Where are you, Hugo? My husband passed away June 29, 2012, at 8:40 p.m.

by Elisa M.
(NewYork, USA)

Where are you, Hugo?
I ask that question day and night since you passed away
In between asking God and You, I still don't know today.
I'm supposed to have faith so strong to know where you are,
Up to the sky I gaze to see your face in the bright sunlight.
At night I gaze at a certain star, and there's one that shines so bright.

Where are you, Hugo, my husband, my best friend, my life?
Do you hear me crying for you to come back to me, your wife?
I listen for your voice, I talk to you, no answer do I get.
But maybe you're speaking to me, but through my grief, I don't hear you yet.
This separation is tearing my heart to pieces, and my tears stain my face,
A face that expresses sorrow, pain, loneliness and fear,
Because my darling, Hugo, missing you is way too hard to bear.

Where are you, Hugo, my Babe, my Angel, I want to be with you;
It's not my time to find you now, and the time I know not when,
But I pray that you'll be waiting with open arms to hold me again in Heaven.

Until then, wherever you are, I pray you know every thought I have, every feeling within me, keeps you in my heart every second. I love and miss you, Hugo. Your wife, Elisa
'Til....Babe--Our wedding song says it all. Posted on May 17, 2013

Comments for Where are you, Hugo? My husband passed away June 29, 2012, at 8:40 p.m.

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May 28, 2013
to Anonymous--does my husband miss me?
by: Anonymous

Dear anonymous--your reply to Elisa's poem--I read your post just tonight and I have to respond to your questions of 'where do I go when I die? I lost my husband 6 mons ago and the grief is unbearable. I loved him so and he was my life---however, I want to tell you that I serve a risen Savior--Jesus Christ--if we live for Him and serve Him then at death's calling we will go to heaven to be with Jesus and then see our loved ones. Our suffering here on earth seems endless (it does to me) but in God's time--it is but a swift short event compared to eternity and time in heaven There will be no end, no tears, no sorrow, no parting from loved ones and only happiness that we cannot even begin to imagine. God makes no mistakes (although it feels as though He did when He takes our loved ones from us)and to we who have faith and trust in God and strive to live a life as He wants us to--- there will be everlasting joy. I know your sorrow--your grief--I have the broken heart that you have and I pray for all of us on this site.

May 24, 2013
Where are you Hugo
by: silver

First to Elisa,what you wrote is so beautiful.It really does say it all.My dad died Dec.9,2009 after a long bout with cancer.My mom and dad were married for 64 yrs and 5 months.My mom just sat down in a chair,watched TV,slept and occasionally got up.She, medically died of a clot to the heart.She died of a broken heart I think.She had so many friends that I wondered why she didn't just get up and go visit with them.She bowled once a week right up until the day my dad went into the hospital.I couldn't understand it until it happened to me 11 months later.I slept a lot and hardly ever got out of my nightgown for the first 3 months.I'm glad I had to sometimes because it gradually became easier to get dressed each day.Then I began to go out once a week.Like you Doreen I began to do at least 2 things a day.I still(at 2 yrs mark)have to make myself do something each day but at least I'm moving now.To the others here I need to let you know that YES it's hard but it does get easier.I still cry several times a week but not all the time.I still turn off a TV channel when they start showing someone crying about losing a spouse,but I AM getting better.I will ALWAYS love my darling husband and I will always miss him.What keeps me going now is:my faith that GOD will reunite us one day,my children,my grandchildren,and the found poem I posted as well as love.LOVE can never be destructive,I have found.So we live on until the day we can be with our loved one again.GOD bless all of you with strength and peace.

May 21, 2013
Rise like a phoenix out of the ashes Melina.
by: Doreen U.K.

Melina I just LOVED YOUR POST. I loved your expression in a way I couldn't put into words how I feel. I can ECHO what you feel and going through. DO WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE DOING NOW. It won't always be this way. I needed to go clean the yard, clean the house, do so many things. I gave myself a target of doing 2 jobs a day. I make a list and prioritise this. I then tick off what is done and what needs to be done and then update the list. Even if I don't complete the list I don't worry. I made the effort to do the list. If I die the work will still be there. Like you also I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. some days I do a lot and days I do nothing. But I also love to write. This is good for us to do. Never worry about what others feel you should be doing, even if it is family. They don't know how it feels where we are. I got to thinking about all the people who lost loved ones before I did and I couldn't feel what they were feeling till I have gone through this. This will always happen in the world. People will die, grieve, hope, live and die all over again. We have to find our Niche in life again. It doesn't matter how long it takes. JUST BE COMFORTABLE WHERE YOU ARE TODAY. Just like a Tornado came in America and claimed the lives of so many. WE could be that one who died. We will probably die when we are having the time of our lives. When something good happens it is snatched away from us. I used to be cynical and afraid to be happy at the same time in case I lost what I loved. God taught me not to hold onto anything tightly lest he take it away from me. So I learnt that God owns everything. I hold everything loosely as if it isn't mine. And I enjoy the journey whilst I have it. This is my experience. WE will each have our own. But I am glad that you are in the world. You will benefit someone and they benefit you one day. Just as you are a benefit to us on this website. You are valuable to the world and you will find a way to go on in life. Just take it one day at a time and realise we all know how you feel. I am thankful for those who have moved on and perhaps can write us and give us some hope whilst we are in our dungeon of grief. So we can rise like a phoenix out of the ashes. Best wishes.

May 21, 2013
Feeling I betrayed the one I lost by living
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 1yr. ago to cancer. I feel the same as you do. But you need to realise that you did not betray your husband by living. We have no control over our life and our death unless we commit suicide. And even when some people commit suicide they are not fully in control of their normal thinking processes to always clearly make this judgement. Their misery and sorrow takes over and in the unbalanced state of the mind they end their lives.
Many of us don't feel like living when our life partner dies. Sorrow takes over and dictates how we feel. But in reality we have to go on each day and hope it will find us healing from our loss. Your father was blessed to marry 25yrs. ago and find happiness. But it is not for everyone. I myself do not want to ever marry again. I found my one and only love and I lost him. He was my first and my last. But don't ever cancel out your own happiness. You are not betraying the one you lost. You will have a special place in your heart that is only reserved for him and it is possible to find love again. But it is BY CHOICE. Just don't feel guilty with the choice you make. You are never betraying the one you lost. That is a part of your life no one can take away from you or ever replace. You deserve to be happy again however you find this.

May 20, 2013
same feeling as Melina
by: Anonymous

I am very sorry for your loss and share the pain. I just lost my love, and I want to join him. My emotions swing madly.

My father remarried 25 years ago, only a year after my mother died, and he is in a wonderful loving relationship. I just thought of this today, but the idea that I could ever betray the one I lost is unthinkable. I am deeply attached to him. I feel like I betrayed him by living. He died suddenly.

May 19, 2013
Mad at the world just now.
by: Doreen U.K.

Anonymous I am sorry for your loss. YES!! I can echo what you say. HOPE GOD COMES BACK SOON FOR US! Our hearts are aching so much from our loss. God knows and understands. He created us and put the family together. Creating woman for man. So God will be CRYING WITH US. Only he can't do anything about our loss yet because the world has to run its course. People have to be saved and due to SIN we DIE. But God is going to come back one day and address Death and what it has done to the human race. God didn't set up death. SIN caused this and so we have to accept this part of our living. IT HURTS. To live and then end up in a coffin doesn't say it all. This is just the place we rest in till God comes back for us. We will all be mad with the world as life is not good anymore. Full of struggles and hardship. But going through this having each other for support was easier. But God is our strength and our HOPE. It is God who is going to walk with us throughout our remaining days. He won't abandon us. God cares for widows. So let us all HOLD ON Till Jesus comes back for us and reunites us with all those loved ones we have lost and gone on before us.

May 19, 2013
No answers~~ May 19 1:15pm
by: Melina

On the days that I was not seeing any posts I was searching and found your poem. What a beautiful, heartfelt, loving expression for Hugo and the rest of us to feel your love. The heck with syntax. The flow and feelings were loud and clear. I was quite taken by the depth of what you wrote. Your husband was the world to you as mine was to me. We are all really struggling to find answers and your writing just shows what a caring person you are. I think Hugo was very lucky to have you. And you him. I have no answers only lots of deep unmanageable feelings that prevent me from moving on with life as it is proffered. I am stuck. I sit here on this couch writing and writing. I am exhausted trying to figure it out. What happened? Why? Where do I go from here? How do I get the energy? If I end it all will I be any better off? When does it get better? Ever?

I think anonymous has the same feelings. She too is looking for answers like us and no one has them. I said to myself a couple months ago that I have lived my life asking questions looking for answers. I loved learning. It was a passion. Most of the time I was able to satisfy my quest. Now I have the biggest questions of all and there are no answers. None. I am desperate for answers. With people dying everyday there must be billions of people putting on a mask every day looking for answers pretending they are living life. I never noticed them before. Now that I am one of them I feel like I stick out with a big red flag on me calling attention to my grief. Not that I care I just wonder why I never saw the others. Now I know we exist. Everywhere. I just want to know why now. Why exist when I feel like I do?

Anonymous, I wish I could say something, anything, that would make a difference in how we feel. My level of feeling now is shot full of holes. I feel your desperation. I am there too. I have no children, no diety to hang onto and the only thing that is keeping me halfway sane at the moment is writing on this blog. As much as what I have people who want to help me they don’t know how. I don’t know how. So I sit and write. I should be working in the yard, doing paperwork, cleaning house, organizing to sell our home, etc etc but I can’t find the energy. The motivation. Any purpose. So instead I write. Oh, and I watch my caloric intake carefully because my best and only way to solve this is to die a natural death exacerbated by the weakest body I can muster. Is that morbid? I guess. My family hates that I can’t pull it together. They knew a different me. But I am a different me. I am not the same with my beloved gone. The day he died I died. I just haven’t left the physical mainfestation yet. But I will. As soon as I can.


May 19, 2013
To Elisa's poem where are you Hugo?
by: Anonymous

Life is horrible for you, for me, for all of us. Why are we like this? Are other widows who don't know about this site the same way, or are we very sensitive. I don't know or care what people think. In fact, with all the shootings, violence, killings, storms, etc., I hope it is the end of the world, then we can all be together with God, and our husband and everyone else in our lives who have died. No poem has to be perfect; it's words spoken from your heart.
From: another lonely, grieving, mixed-up. scared, and angry lady who is mad at the world right now.
I miss my husband, and I wonder if he misses me.
Does he? Please someone say something that really will make me try to believe in what's waiting for me besides just lying in a coffin underground, nd people putting flowers there when they have the time. After years, they don't even go. HELP.

May 19, 2013
To: Doreen & Melina
by: Elisa (Lisa) - Liz on other site

Doreen and Melina, I'm glad that you found my poem and wrote your comments that I am so grateful for, but I am so sorry that all of us lost our cherished husbands, and we turn to this site for comfort. As I said before, I only wish that all of us met on another type of site: like a cooking site, or shopping site, and anything but this. Somehow we found this place, we love it because we find we are not alone in our thinking and in the emotions we feel each second; but I hate it because we have faced the death of our husbands.

I got very upset because the other page has been down. I started to write to Nirmala and Jenny by e-mail; and thank goodness because I was feeling let down when I saw no postings on this place.

My poem isn't the masterpiece poetry, and I am capable of better, and my syntax is off, but I wrote it late, feeling pain, anger, and just took off with it. It's not considered great, and I don't care, but it's how I feel.


Melina, I was worried about you; I kept sending you long posts. I know they don't help, nothing I say will ease your suffering of separation from Richard (did I get his name correct?) Sorry, if I didn't--I write to so many people. I write to Jenny a lot, but she is far away. We both don't know how to use Skype, but I looked it up and it does cost money, and my niece told me I need a microphone, camera if I want to see the person I call, etc. I'm not very good at all of this; my husband was, but he's gone. I had a nightmare last night. I kept screaming to God to let him come back; then I say, why him, a lot of people are asking God for the same thing, and deserve it as much as I do. It isnt going to happen. Even looking at his caps (we had to buy a lot and we had a lot--but he never wore any until the cancer and chemo took away his hair)-so even looking at his caps hanging in the garage, upset me. I wear them when I work outside or when I drive just fill up my car, but I kiss it, and I know I will never see it on him. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM BEING GONE.


May 19, 2013
We all need a bright shining Star to carry us through our life.
by: Doreen U.K.

Elisa these are days of torture for you and all of us who has lost the love of our lives. That star you see shining so bright is for you to follow and know that Hugo is safe in the arms of God and you will be reunited with him again.
My daughter told me yesterday that 4 people including her saw the brightest star shining over us when I lost my beloved husband and her father 1 year ago. That shining star is still so bright. Hold onto this it will bring you comfort in the days, and months ahead. Best wishes.

May 18, 2013
How do we do this? Sat May 18
by: Melina

Lisa, I can't see anything on the other posting page. What has happened? I get so anxious anymore and that was my place to help shed my tears. I see you are here. We are still in such grief. I am getting worse. I cannot see any light. I am doing what I have to to keep going and hating every minute of it. I cannot make any sense of anything. All I want is the kind of help my husband used to give me. It is nowhere. I am so lost. Love, Melina

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