Where Are You?

by Harper

My dad is dead. He passed away on the 15 of August 2013... he died. Passed away sounds so euphemistic. I've heard so many people talk about how you feel as if the person you've lost should walk through the door at any minute. People tell me that for a while it won't feel real. I don't get that. It's hard for this to feel anything but real, I was there. That morning we were working together at his shed, putting a new track on his excavator. I had just moved back home from across the country. We hadn't lived together since I was 17, and he was disappointed with me for some mistakes I had made. We were always too alike, even though I was the daughter and my brother was meant to be the one to take after him.

It was a normal day. I went inside to put some laundry on. When I came back out, he walked up to me and said he wasn't feeling well. Ten minutes later I was holding his hand telling him I was with him and the ambulance would be here soon. He looked at me, in that fierce way he had, and said, "It doesn't matter if I die, as long as your mum knows how much I love you all." He lost consciousness less than a minutes after the paramedics took over... but the kept working on him for over half an hour.

My dad was the simplest and most complicated person I will ever know, a mix of pride and insecurity. He loved my mother with a passion so fierce and so common place, it made their relationship something there were always willing to work for, and something I'm scared I'll never live up to. I never in my life have doubted that he loves me, but he could hurt me more than anyone else I have known. He's the only person I have ever felt safe being angry at.

I lived away from home for a long long time but i always knew he was there some where, and that he loved me. I don't expect him to walk through the door, but the feeling that hits me hardest is when I remember that I can't call home and hear his voice, that I won't be seeing him again, won't fight with him again. When the paramedics were trying to resuscitate him I remember curling into a ball and just saying please please please please. No matter how much I feel he is somewhere, I can't find him, I can't see him or hear him or touch him. I just want him back! The intensity of this scares me... and yet even know, like I did with the knowledge he was there in the past, I still feel like I'm taking him for granted.

Comments for Where Are You?

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Oct 12, 2013
Where are You?
by: Doreen UK

Harper I am sorry for your loss of your father to a sudden death. This is one of the hardest parts of losing a loved one. It takes a while for the mind to process everything that has taken place. Almost surreal like it didn't happen and when you wake up each day you know it did happen. Reality hits you in stages. Some days you will feel as if your father is close but yet far away and as you say you Cant' find him. this is the first stage of grief called CRYING & SEARCHING. Another painful moment is wanting to physically touch your loved one and he is not there.
I lost my husband to cancer 17 months ago. On a Saturday and I don't like Saturdays at all. I always Cry on Saturdays and feel miserable. I want to reach out to touch my husband and he is not there. My heart goes out to all of you but to your mother who will have a different grief to yours and it will be exceptionally painful. Healing is such a slow process it feels as if we grieve forever.
The best way forward is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. Parents are not perfect and often they live their lives through their children and sometimes when they are upset with their children it is because of their own inner world they are not happy with. Also if you have the same type of personality as your father he may not like certain aspects of himself in you which is why he may make you feel you made so many mistakes that made him unhappy. It is more about HIM than YOU. This should help you to not take this to heart but shrug it off as your father's AGENDA not YOURS. I learnt this at an early age, but my life was affected for a long time before I understood the family dynamics that can become complex within a family. However the Love is still so strong that crushes you when they die. You will recover from grief in time, and it will take a long time for your to be comfortable with life without your father. I wish you Comfort and Peace in your grief.

Oct 12, 2013
He's everywhere
by: Anonymous

Your dad is everywhere you need him to be. You just can't see him. He knows how important he was and is still and will always be there whenever you need him .

Oct 11, 2013
He's still here stay still and you'll hear is voice
by: yolanda

You had a normal relationship, he loved you so much and the way you spoke of him, he was your rock.. Just know your dad hasn't left you he's with you everywhere. Their is life after we leave this earthly world..read the book "Bridges to Heaven" from Sue Frederick and afterward get back with me picturesque_media@yahoo.com...
You ere is angel no mater what... My daughter Michelle past away Sept.11, 2012 in her sleep she was 30yrs she was special but very smart she loved life and she loved me so much... yes we had arguments and screaming match but loved each other so very much.. I will never anyone love me like my Michelle..I miss her so much.. but I know I will see her again when its my turn and that will be a glorious day...Talk to your dad everyday, he's still with you..God Bless...

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