Where do i start !

by john
(UK)

20th July the chat i thought was about a holiday was the start of the end of our 12 year marriage (14 yrs together)

Truly i never saw it coming, i loved her with all my heart and she was "the one"

we have two beautiful children 9 & 5 and they have been thrown into a world i never thought would be possible.

Today (29th October) we met to see if there was a chance to put it back together.
I gave her space and time for the three months she wanted and sadly she ended it.

I would have moved the world for her and done anything to keep her and right now i feel so broken.
I never cheated and never even looked at another woman in the 14 years we were together.... i was so in love.

Today she just said she did not "love me" anymore and she had changed.

I wish i had seen it
i wish i had not worked so hard to give us the best life i could
i wish i had paused
I wish i could go back in time

But you cant i get that.

i feel so broken.....

john

Comments for Where do i start !

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Sep 27, 2013
Husband left afer 26yrs. together
by: Doreen

Lynn I am so sorry for your loss of your marriage and for the sorrow you are facing right now. Break this down into segments. Establish boundaries by seeing that your daughter is married and away from you so her loss of her father is different to yours. Concentrate on YOU! for now. If possible go and see a counsellor and get yourself in a stronger position emotionally. when you are stronger try and find a job and some friends so you won't feel so alone. If you have a close family relative to support you this will help get you through the worst days ahead.
Remember we live in a world of temptations where family security is threatened all the time. Marriages are not surviving well. Your husband got caught up in a friendship that went too far and you are the casualty. Don't look for failings in yourself at all because no one is perfect and now is not the time to do this. Don't Plead and beg with your husband. Accept the choice he has made and make plans for your own survival. Make yourself tougher and stronger to handle the CHOICES you now have to make for yourself. If your husband has not contacted you in some time then put the house up for sale so that you are protected by your share and can start life for yourself which you will build on. Say to yourself. "What has happened to me was not of my making. I had no Choice. Think of this as a DEATH. And you have to make it on your own from now on. YOU CAN DO IT.! Don't look at the problem. FOCUS on how to get yourself UP and ON. Selling the house will shock your husband because don't bank on him keeping up the mortgage and supporting you. You have to take a strong stand here for your own protection. Once you feel stronger you will be on your way to getting your life back. Don't just sit there pining thinking he will come back one day. This may never happen.
I did counselling years ago. I am stronger in myself and handled the death of my husband 16 months ago, better than if I never had this counselling years ago in my 40's. IT HURTS. I know how you feel. It is a scary place to be. Because of lack of space you can email me for further support at doreenelkington@aol.com. otherwise if you write back I can take it from where you are at in each stage of your loss. If your husband gets wind of you selling the house just tell him "What choice do I have." He will also be shocked that you can give him up so easily. Above all you will be maintaining your DIGNITY.

Sep 26, 2013
Husband left after 26 years together
by: Lyn

My husband left me 9 weeks ago telling me he doesn't want this anymore. I said what his said everything. I asked him are you having an affair he said yes. Was going on for 3 months first month just friends then slept together the last two weeks. I begged him to not leave but he did, he collected his clothes a week later telling me he had a flat. The ow split up with her husband also she has 10 yr old son. My daughter is so very upset will not speak to her dad at all. She has her dad to be on own for 3 months so he could get his head straight and repair there relationship plus granddaughters he didn't and said I'm with ow sorry. So now she will not have anything to do with him at all. It's breaking my heart. I have no friends at all I supported my family and husband. I haven't worked in over 26 years. For now my husband is paying bills and mortgage but not sure how long for. He and this women took off their wedding ring for each other to show how much there love each other. I'm lost and scared I feel my life is over. How can there be in love after this short time. My husband worked 7 days a week I supported him when he was stressed and always told him to cut down with work. He just said he couldn't that it would be worth it in end for us. So I give my life up to support what ever he did. He told me he was buying love by doing up the home and giving me gifts. He now hasn't spoken to me in 9 weeks apart from twice to say about home and ask about daughter. He texts my daughter once a week to say he missing her and love her and grandchildren , she doesn't answer him at all. Pls can anyone help. I'm lost and scared that my husband will just throw away his family for this ow at lease if he doesn't want me I have to deal with it but my daughter who is 23 and grandaughter who is 3 next month do not deserve this. How can a man that was an excellent dad do this pls help

Oct 30, 2012
Where do I start?
by: Doreen U.K.

John I am so very sorry for your loss of your marriage and life partner. It is the worst pain ever to LOVE someone so very much and this is not felt in the same way or respected. It is worse when you build up a life and a home and then it is broken up by SELFISHNESS. You can't fix anything because the decision has been made. Even if she says SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. It may just be because she has found someone else to give her love to. it is more painfull when children are involved. Especially as Christmas is approaching, it is a very bad time to break a family up. John my heart goes out to you. This grief will be a great loss as a death would be to you.
My Son is 43yrs. found a girl on the internet. He married her too soon. She was 37yrs. and a modern Career woman. Both had different needs. She was KIND to the point she looked out for her ex boyfriend. My son ended up with 2 breakdowns. he loves his wife so much. She put a pre-nuptial in place so my son gets none of her house. He says he doesn't want anything from her. HE JUST LOVES HER TO BITS. She is all he wants. My son cannot accept her friendship with her EX and this has caused many problems. We as parents advised him to walk away from her. HE WOULDN'T. she kicked him out of HER HOUSE if he spoke up and voiced his opinion, my husband who was seriously ill with cancer drove 50miles to go rescue his son. We looked after him. My son went back to his wife. My husband died of his cancer 6 months ago and my son walked out on me the day I buried his father. All because I objected to his wife's selfisheness and anger she left us with and I would not let her travel in the funeral car with us. My son has the same mindset as you. FAITHFULL. Wouldn't look at another woman. Would do anything for his wife. Even runs her bath. Cooks for her. A woman who has a pre-nuptial. Kicks my son out of HER HOUSE, 5 times for speaking up against her EX. kicks him out of HER CAR at 4a.m. to walk in the cold and got lost in Berkshire England countryside. All because my son objects to her EX being in her life and sometimes coming first because he is needy. She has no BOUNDARIES. I told you this story so you see. It doesn't matter how good you are. It could all end. because of the other person. I hope that you get the support you need from perhaps a counsellor, family, or friends till you are stronger. This has been a terrible shock for you. HOLD ON. You will get through it. But it still is not fair. Your wife will realise one day what she has LOST.

Oct 30, 2012
One Step At A Time
by: Judith in California

John, I'm sorry you are hurting. If only we had the power to be able to see inside the other person who proclaims to love us . To see into theor sousls and see what they are truly thinking at any given moment and to see into their hearts and how they truly feel about us. Then we could prevent ourselves from being hurt.
Unfortunately all we have is the ability to react to what they say to us and how they treat us. If someone says they love us and then treats us like crap or less than , then all we can surmise is that they really don't love us. And unfortunately, again, we are blindsided like in your case.

Start now to move forward and in time find someone who is worthy of all you have to give and who will be a good step-parent to your children. Take your time and chosse wisely. Life is not a sprint so take plenty of time to really get to know the next lady you want in your life. Take it one step at a time.

Until then be the best you and father you can be and talk to God .

Oct 30, 2012
Where do I start!
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

John,
I am so sorry? You wrote where do I start? You start, by taking care of you. You have two children to think about. Always be there for them. I am sure they do not understand what is actually going on. You will always be their dad, nothing changes that.
I would recommend seeing a counselor. Find out who you are as an individual. I am having to find out who I am, after 46 years of marriage. Mine did not end in divorce, it ended with my husbands death. My husband was a recovered alcoholic, so my marriage wasn't always a bed of roses. You have to stop the"I wish". What you could have done or did do won't change things at all.
Give your wife time, pray for our loving God to be with you and guide you. If it is meant to be, it will be. Easy for me to say, you may be thinking.
My life has been completely turned around. I am finding out who I am as an individual. I was with my husbans from the age of 15, married him at 18. I am now 65 and I am learning to live for me. I have 5 adult children, they have their own families. They keep telling me they want me to be happy again. I am trying, one day at a time. Everyday, I ask God to lead me and show me the way, because I really don't know where I am going from here.
Life is full of challenges. We never truly understand why things happen in our life. There is a reason and down the road the answer is waiting . Be good to yourself and be patient.

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