Where has Time Gone ??? Yesterday and then Tomorrow

by Patricia
(Las Vegas, NV)

Disneyland 2009

Disneyland 2009

I sit here thinking where my life began and where it ended. Memories echoes against the walls of my heart and life of then and now.
3 years, 3 months… I see back to the beginning of time. The tears and sorrow that surrounded my life that day in time, my world stopped. It looks like a movie each frame continually showing and the will to stop it unable. How many times I see in my memories, see his face that morning after I kissed him quickly good-bye running out the door to work, his smile the last thing I saw….
How have I survived I don’t know or if I have. If I could have stopped that moment in time, to just look and hold so I could have been with you forever. But time doesn't stop and we can never know what the greater plan can be.
I watch the days and now the years have gone, the edge of pain doesn't cut as deep but is still a knife in my hear, it will forever be scared with the pain of losing you, you were my love, my life, you who believed in me and always saw the better….
Where do I go now…?
I live each day with the day to day things that need to be done, but the hole in my heart burns with the pain and desire to be with you. I understand that it’s not my time. Do I pray to God for me to be with you, yes I do. Time is a story in which we all play a role… only God knows how it ends and we hope for the future with those we have lost. It’s a long journey and sometime I’m so tired and wish I could lay my head down, close my eyes once more to wake with Billy at my side. But I do wake and I see these blank walls, me alone once more and must believe I’m here still for a reason. One I may understand but for now, I must continue to follow this road of uncertainty.
When I left Arkansas 4 months after I laid my Billy to rest I wrote:
As I walk down the hall ~
Footsteps echo my good-bye
Each door closes with tenderness of love’s sorrow gone ~
It’s time to step from the past, the darkness of uncertainly
Into the future, the light of a new dawning day
I leave my heart, my soul and the very fiber of my life
Until I return one day to rest with my love, no more tears of despair to fall
1 step, 1 breath at a time

I still live my days and will continue ~
1 Step, 1 breath at a time

Comments for Where has Time Gone ??? Yesterday and then Tomorrow

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Oct 06, 2013
Where has time gone?
by: Judy in FL

Patricia it is so good to hear from you and know you are still hanging on.

Where did time go? It seems unbelievable that three almost four years has passed. The answer is we just keep on living as we must do. I too miss my love and think of him often. The difference is now he is a warm and cherished memory and not the raw, bruised heartache I once carried. Time does this, nothing else.

I am a new and different woman now, a stronger, independent one. So are you, my sister on this unwelcome road we have traveled together.

Stay well, stay strong.

JM

Oct 03, 2013
Where has the time gone????
by: June

Yes, where has the time gone....seems like yesterday and at times it seems like so long ago.
I did not want to become a member of this club....but we have no choice...what will be, will be.
My Mike has been gone for 19 months and it seems like a bad dream. We were married for 42 years. I miss him more each day. Yes, the crying has lessened, but my heart is broken. My hope is that we will be Together Again, not sure when, but I am now not afraid of death.
This site is so very helpful, the comments and wise advice of Doreen, Lawrence, Judith, Pat, Allison, and others is comforting.
The love of family, friends and animals has been great but of course does not take the place of Mike.
As has been said, you grieve because you loved.
My thoughts are with everyone going through this journey.
June
Canada

Oct 02, 2013
Time
by: Zoe

Patricia

Hugs..

well here we are three years plus

and we survived..

are we the lesson for those who are new to this, that you do survive, even though you don't want to

We are the truth no one wants to see, no matter how much you plan, how hard you love, or pray, it can all be ripped away in an instant,

and yet

here we are

new women, different, damaged. but new

and we survive

love and hugs

one step, one breath, one day at a time

Sep 29, 2013
Your beautful words.
by: Lawrence

Patricia,
What beautiful words you brought to all of us who are mourning the loss of a beloved partner, you are indeed blessed to be able to express your feelings so eloquently.
Yes, all we have left are memories, sweet, tearful and heartbreaking as they are.
We all wake in the morning, stretch out our hand hoping it was a terrible dream finding only the space where our beloved used to be, empty, and we have to face another terrible day.
You wonder how to survive this horror, the long lonely days and nights.
I expected to die very quickly after my precious wife passed away nine months ago in my arms as I just couldn’t face the future alone after seventy years together, but I am still here, the intense grief has just slightly lessened its hold on me. I still cry bitter tears daily, just staring at the empty chair she used to sit in to watch T.V breaks my heart.
Yet throughout my anguish and heartache I still give thanks to God for sharing this special lady with me for the years of absolute happiness and bliss.
I will repeat my Mantra that keeps me going “GRIEF IS THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR LOVE” and I’m sure like myself and all of us on this site, you feel it was worth it, I certainly do.
Thank you once again for your words.
Lawrence.


Sep 28, 2013
Where has Time Gone ??? Yesterday and then Tomorrow
by: Doreen UK

Patricia I am so sorry for your loss of partner. This is indeed a terrible, long and hard road to travel having lost a close loved one. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 16 months ago to terminal lung cancer. This road of grief is long and hard. A very lonely road for a long time.
If you have a Faith and belief in God it helps one cope better with a loss. There is no easy way to get through grief but ONE DAY AT A TIME!. If you nurture yourself by doing what you need to do to take care of yourself you will build up your self-esteem and cope with grief better.
It is a lonely road ahead but if you have good friends and family to walk with you through your grief it makes things easier.
some days I still wake up and wonder if this loss is real or if I dreamed it. It is hard when we find out our dreams are REALITY. Our loved one is never coming back. the HOPE is that if you believe in God you will see your loved one again. This thought keeps me going on each day, and looking forward to this time. WE all recover from grief at different times, but we do RECOVER.

Sep 28, 2013
Where Has Time Gone???
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Patricia,
That is my birth name also.
It was 27 months yesterday, that I lost the love of my life to a massive heart attack. Where has the time gone? I ask myself that so often.
I felt a part of me died the day my husband died. I still feel that way. Our lives are forever changed. For 46 years I was Red's (his nickname) wife. I am still a mother and grandmother, but oh so miss being Red's wife.
As you, I will always have that ache in my heart for Red. I do not picture another man in my life. I do not know what life has in store for me. Like you I too just take it one day at a time.
I am so grateful for the support of his siblings. They tell me I will always be a part of the family. My adult children have included me in alot of new adventures. I had never gone camping, until this summer. I truly enjoyed the relaxation. In two weeks I am going camping again to see and enjoy all the Fall colors up North.
I too wish I could turn back the clock and still have my husband with me. I cherish each day, because I know how precious life is; here one moment gone the next.
We never truly get over the loss of our loved one. We slowly learn how to go on without them, always keeping them tucked safely in our heart.

Sep 28, 2013
TIME
by: Judith in California

HI PAT, I have read your post form the beginning of this horrible grief journey and am glad you are a bit strnger now. WE have to continue and I feel like you as it's been 3 years and 1/2 months for me.
Every time a month goes by I feel it's one month farther away he is physically but not from my heart.

I was told by a person that some people grief long because they think it shows how much they loved the person and that they would feel guilty if they didn't. I told them they obviously have never lost their spouse to death and until then they should not make comments like that. WE grieve because we miss them and the US of the life and what we once had. And it's because we loved them so much. I don't feel guilty when I don't cry .

It's not good living a life in which we will never be told again how much we are loved and how special we are and give them that love back.

We go on, as we must, but like you said Pat the emptiness will never go away..we were two now we are one and we had no choice in the matter.

I think of the song "Time keeps on Slipping into the Future".

I continue to pray for those of us who have lost our mates. It's a hard road to hoe.

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