Where have you gone?

by Wendy
(North Carolina)

In August my dad passed away. He ws 81. You may say that he lived a good life, but in actuality he suffered the effects of a dabilitating stroke about 6 years ago. This summer out of the blue he stopped eating. He eventually went into the hospital and passed away there. After, they said he was having a lot of little strokes that were taking away his abilities to eat, move, and remember.

I say it happened suddenly, but I think I had been trying to prepare myself. I found out that you can't. I have been sad, angry, and mad. I am an only child and my dad was everything. I was his little girl. I am angry because I live 500 miles away. I was there right up until two days before he died but I missed being there right at the end. He died after being revived 4 times over the course of 2 weeks. Even though the nurses were there, giving him comfort, I wasn't.

I also have this guilt that my mom is now living by herself and I should be able to help her more. I don't have the right to ask her to move 500 miles away from all that she knows and my dad's gravesite. So I continue to feel guilty about this too. I feel I have to be strong for her, so I keep my grief away from her.

I don't know how to put this all in perspective. I want to hug him one last time.

Comments for Where have you gone?

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Feb 08, 2010
Losing Dad
by: Anonymous

My Dad was just shy of 81 when he died in October. I saw him in August and while did not look so great, he had had a recent PET scan that showed a growth on the liver which they thought was not problematic. Unfortunately, his cancer returned very agressively. On the other hand, he was not as sick as he might have been from treatment.

When he was rushed to the hospital, my sister was the first to get there because my Mom called her husband, the family lawyer, regarding end of life issues. At first they thought he had weeks or months, but within 2 weeks he was gone.

Although I did get to be with my Dad when he died and he was able to tell me he loved me, I am heartbroken that I could not have more time with him sooner, while he was still coherent.

On a logical level, I know he was in terrible pain and that we helped him die peacefully, but I was not ready to lose him.

I am working on being grateful for the time we did have and that he lived longer because he quit smoking 44 years ago (3 packs a day).

He and Mom did get to celebrate another anniversary with a special meal in September.

Then we did go to the hospital when it was time to bring him home and we had quality time that day. He told us he wanted to go home and we got him there and he died peacefully the next morning.

I think about a childhood friend who watched her Dad die of a massive heart attack at home when she was a teenager and it makes me feel gratitude- but it is still not easy..
Love..

Feb 03, 2010
Why Did My Mom Died For ?
by: Anonymous

I am feeling the seem thing here but my Mom died in November 2009 and my daddy died 22 years ago. As I seen my mom laying there so helpless I should had been there the night before she died, but I didn't go. Now I have this guilt building up inside of me and wishing I was there for her like I should have been but I was not there. Now I feel bad because she passed away and didn't get to spend the rest of her life anymore, she was 83 whenshe died. But why did she go and why does it still hurt after 3 mos when she passed away? I am Lost and don't know what to do, I miss her calling me every night. I sit here looking at the phone waiting for her to call. I miss her laugh and talks and telling me I love you and her advice to what to do. Christmas was hard, but I done what I can and there was a empty spot on the dinner table .. it's just not the same with out your mama. Enjoy your time with your parents because I didn't get to before she or they died, thanks for reading this.

Feb 03, 2010
your anger and grief
by: Anonymous

I was with my dad, in the hospital, for a full week and then my daughter and I went back to our homes in Austin and New Mexico. Daddy died two days after we left. One of us had stayed in his room every hour for a week and we were stricken that we weren't there to be with him when he got his wings.......

Please talk to your mother about your grief and allow her to talk to you about hers. She may be holding off because she doesn't want to worry you. I talked to my mom and she was so glad that we were feeling similiar things.......
Good luck, Pat

Feb 03, 2010
All The Best
by: Anonymous

Wow, Wendy you have basically said everything I feel! It's kind of comforting to know there are others out there who are going through similar feelings. I wish you all the best Wendy, and know that your father is still around, just not physically but he is spiritually.

Feb 03, 2010
WENDY IN NC, LOST DAD
by: Anonymous

DEAR WENDY,
MY DEEPEST SYMPATHY TO YOU. I HAVE LOST TWO MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY, AND IN JULY, I LOST A THIRD, MY MOM. THERE IS NO WAY TO PREPARE FOR LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE. BUT YOUR DAD KNEW YOU LOVED HIM AND HE'S NEAR YOU IN YOUR HEART FOREVER.
YOU DID ALL YOU COULD. LET YOUR GRIEF OUT AND CRY OR EVER HOW YOU FEEL, YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS.
TALK TO YOUR MOM WHEN YOU CAN. YOU BOTH NEED EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW. GOD BLESS YOU.


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