Who will I be when I come out the other side ?

by Tim

I'm 48 years old and got married the first time ever five years ago with my dad and best friend as my best man. We got a dog, built a new home and started trying to have a child. Never been so happy.

Three years ago my 11 month older brother died of a drug overdose leaving behind a wife and 5 year old boy. We all thought his drug problem was way behind him. 30 days after he passed, when the report came back as drug overdose, my sister in law sent me a text asking I make no efforts to contact her or my nephew Sawn until she was ready. 3 years later she never has become so,I lost her and my nephew as well. I feel like I have let Patrick down by not being an uncle.

We where in the early stages of a Russian adoption when we lost Patrick so he never got to meet my son Hunter. Patrick died in February and we brought Hunter home in April.

One year after Patrick passed my father suffered his first heart attack. While recuperating, my older bothers wife Maureen died of a drug overdose. My father was to weak to attend the funeral.

Three months after Maureen passed away my oldest brother Christoper died of a drug overdose. Being the youngest of four, this left me with only my older sister Donna Jean.

At the very beginning of all this, my business started failing and with my new family responsibilities, I was forced to start working for a new company after 16 years of self employment. I really feel the distraction was a god send and am grateful.

Trying to learn a new skill and being the best husband and father I could, I simply have a hard time knowing who I am. Certainly not the light hearted, happy go lucky guy I was when it started.

I guess time will tell who the new me will be, and I can't wait to meet him. Hope my son likes him !

Can not for the life of me understand the decisions my two brothers and sister in law made right before they passed. I hoped they knew we all loved them.

PS this just spilled out so who ever reads this thanks for listening. It felt good just to type it. Tim

Comments for Who will I be when I come out the other side ?

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Apr 28, 2014
by: Anonymous


You are stronger already! After losing family member every 5 yrs from 1996 - 2006, I felt I had lost the old Dawn who used to be happy and carefree. I had such sadness and a doom and gloom attitude during the grief. I did not realize that I was teaching this to my son. Even though I tried to continue on I wasn't letting go of the grief.

In 2007 when he started college it was then obvious he was dealing with major depression. I know he was dealing with the grief himself, but he looked to me to make it better and all I felt was happening was we were pulling each other down. We did seek counseling, and I made the decision to be happy. It was work, lots of work.

But its been 8 years and we are doing good! We allow ourselves to still grieve. I know we are both stronger and more compassionate because of our experiences. And we are much more forgiving of others and ourselves.

You sound like a really good husband and father with a lot of integrity! Keep the faith and on this path and I am sure you will be very proud of the person you are becoming!

Jan 17, 2014
Your family and drugs
by: Anonymous

I'm a a mother who lost her 30 year old son to a drug overdose. He graduated from a good college, was smart and athletic, and a great guy. He made a mistake trying drugs, but then couldn't handle it. I know he did not want to be a drug addict and die. I wish I could have helped him. I feel guilt, even though I tried my best. Once they become adults, its hard to tell them what to do. But my husband and I were good role models. We had a nice family, and my son was loved. So you never know. I wish I could go back in time and do some things differently. I can only think what a wonderful kid he was, and wonder how it went so wrong. He had such potential to do great things, but drugs changed all that. The rest of my life will be filled with guilt and sadness for this life that was lost.

Jan 17, 2014
You'll Be Better
by: Judith in California

Tim, it's so sad all the loss you have gone through. Needless loss at that. It seems more and more that we are losing so many to drugs. The war on drugs has been lost. Don't understand why so many in our society today feel the need to be drugged up instead of facing the world head on and doing all they could to make our world better. But that is what you are doing. Just knowing you want to keep on going and make your life the best it can be is comforting. That you care what your son will think of you is good . I'm sure you won't disappoint him. Be the best role model you can be and you'll be rewarded with a good son.
I pray for you to to accomplish all you need to as you reach the other side of all this loss.

Please let us know how you fair from time to time.

Jan 17, 2014
Who will I be when I come out the other side.
by: Doreen UK

Tim I am so sorry for your loss of two brother's and a sister-in-law to a drugs overdose. It is such sadness when we have siblings who make choices that can find one hard to come back from and which may claim their lives. Hold your head up high and applaud yourself for not making a choice of taking drugs. Many people find themselves unable to cope with life and so try drugs to block out their pain and get caught up in a habit that controls then and which they find impossible to control. Drugs then claim their lives. It is a pity your sister-in-law has dropped out of your life and you cannot establish a relationship with her and your nephew. She may come back later. Grief changes people and causes so much pain that many make decisions which isolated themselves so they can cope with life. You may one day decide to contact her and let her know that you miss her from the family and you want to be a mentor to her son (your nephew). She may let you back into her life. Who knows why people make the decisions they do to exclude one from their life. After a loss you can find so many attitudes change. You may lose people from your life and this is such a common problem.
You seem to be going through an IDENTITY CRISIS. This is difficult to cope with. A good counsellor would be able to help you. Difficulties in life can cause us to repress our feelings and emotions and when we lose people from our lives it is then we find ourselves not knowing who we are. I lost my husband to cancer 20 months ago. Being married for 44yrs. a wife would dedicate herself to her husband and family and when he dies. A crisis occurs. I suddenly was aware of ME. I then wondered. "What do I do with ME." It has become a discovery. I discovered a gift from death. FREEDOM. We have the freedom to choose, plan, do what we want to do even if it is nothing for a while going through grief. Grief turns one's life upside down and we are thrown into turmoil and don't always know how to handle what life throws at us. Don't make decisions when you feel like this. Take time out and be good to yourself and build yourself up. Don't try too hard to find the answers. Take one day at a time and each day you will find yourself again. But counselling does work if you get the right person you will start feeling better. I have been where you are and done it and I have reaped the benefits to feel so good I can't put it into words. It is a marvellous feeling. See this as an adventure and an exciting discovery, into finding yourself. I wish you better days ahead.

Jan 16, 2014
by: Anonymous

Tim what you went through was difficult. I think you already know who Tim is. He is you a caring, very concerned husband and father who just wants to live his life happy with his new family. You never have to follow in any of your siblings foot steps because I believe you already know the direction you are headed. Its the direction you knew before you wrote this. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God Bless you!

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