Why am I afraid

by Zoe
(Maryland)

Why am I afraid?

It has been 768 days since I lost John. My new level of functional is very different than it was before he was gone. I do not have the drive that I did. I do not have the passion that I did. There are so many things I do not have anymore, because I do not have my John.

But what I have found is that I have developed a fear of death. I was never afraid of death before. It came in its time, it is part of being a human. However you want to put it. John, was the planner. We were of different faiths, but he had figured out if we were married I would be with him. He was worried about being with me for all eternity.

Then he died. And I am alone. I cannot tell you how many times I have begged for him to be back, or begged to be with him. The thing I have hung onto for so long is that when I take my last breath, the first thing I will see is John.

I want to be with him. I hate not having him, but what if I am wrong, what if we won’t be together. What if .. what if there is nothing, or if we are some place different, what if we are not allowed to be together.

People have told me for years that John and I were together in previous lives. Why can’t I remember that, I should be able to. I have developed this fear of death. It is not just the normal gee I don’t want to die, I want to be sure I am with John. And I will never be as good of a person as he was. Does that mean I have lost him forever?

I know that everyone has a fear of death and the unknown. I have that. But this has happened since I lost John. Maybe because loosing John meant losing my faith. Or maybe it is me realizing the truth.. I don’t know I am not even sure that this makes sense..
I just know that on one hand I do not care if I am taken tomorrow as long as I can be with John, and on the other I am terrified of going.

So in summation, grief has now officially made me crazy. Yes I know talk to someone etc etc. but it is like being a widow. How can talking to someone who has never been there possibly understand how I feel.

So I come to you my friends, my family.. and I ask.. am I the only one that has gone squirrely off the tree?

I hate this, this grief.. this death..
And of course the worst part is, the person I would talk to about this, is John..
The Irony is not lost on me.

One breath, one step one day at a time..

Comments for Why am I afraid

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May 08, 2012
If you are squirly then so am I.
by: Sandra

My husband has been gone 860 days and I know what you are talking about. I used to be a fairly smart person, but now my thoughts are a big mush. I was married for 44 years, we were so very close, did everything togeather .... even grocery shopping. We also worked togeather so were were together almost 24 hours a day, I say almost as once in awhile I might go and shop with my kids or grandkids without him, but not often, missed him to much when we were apart. I used to love to read, read a book a day, can no longer concentrate, so lost that too. Food, geez, used to love to cook and eat, not cooking is a chore and nothing tastes good. When watching television I could not just sit so had to be doing something, crocheting, paperwork, something, now I find myself just sitting a staring. I can start something but soon find myself just sitting again, nothing seems worthwild. Everyone says I should be getting over it by now, to grow up, but seems to be getting worse, I am so very lost. So sometime if you need someone to talk to you have a friend here that understands.

May 01, 2012
i lost my love of my life
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband of 33yrs. And I feel the same as you all feel I'm so afraid of everything when my husband was with me I didn't feel fear but I'm glad there's alot of person going through the feeling as me thank you so much.

Apr 28, 2012
We're All Afraid..........
by: TrishJ

Oh Zoe~
I have always had such a strong faith and since my husband's death I have been questioning everything. I depended on Joe so much and without him I'm afraid of my own shadow. I don't like one thing about this new life. I feel like every day brings me closer to the time I'll be with him again. And then......I doubt. I think the same as you do....what if. The only reason I would fear death is the thought of leaving my children and grandchildren behind. Other than that I'm ready.
Thank you for your post. It always helps me when I can realize that I'm not the only one who feels as I do. You're not crazy. You are grieving. We're all in the same boat. Some days my boat sinks and other days it's smooth sailing. It's all very confusing. I really don't know how I feel about much of anything anymore. I drift. I cry. I hate myself and the world around me.
Yes indeed. One breath, one step at a time.

Apr 28, 2012
ME too
by: Anonymous

Zoe - I just feel that if my partner isn't there when I pass and I just go to sleep than that is better than living with the missing.
My partner said that himself before he passed. He believed his family and friends passed would be there, BUT if not he would just be asleep and there would be no more pain. Just sleep.
Nothing to be scared of.
I miss my partner too, it's unbearable. I hope he's there waiting.

Apr 28, 2012
Why are you afraid
by: M Mack

Zoe,

We are all a little wacky in the stages grief throws us. I think I have post traumatic stress disorder- strange things happen in that stage. I'm exhausted with this and keep telling myself to stop the fraying and falling apart over nothing. I've lost patience and now I'm trying to find it. In regards to your situation, you said you lost your faith. Believe in a higher being, know you will be taken care of when the time comes. Haven't you read about the afterlife? There are many sites that claim there is one and I believe there is. John is here, there and everywhere. You will be with him one day and this life takes you into the next. Nothing to be afraid of here. You just have uncertainty because you weren't convinced to believe. No worries Zoe- know you are here to live out your contact and when it's up, you'll see him again. Soulmates reconnect and life goes on. Just be yourself - you have a gift of giving the advise and comfort many of us on this site need to hear. I thank you for so many times you made me feel that I am worth something through your words alone. We are all finding ourselves in this lifetime and you will definitely find John waiting for you in the next. Take care and sending cyber hugs because you need them tonight.

Apr 27, 2012
It feels so overwhelming sometimes...
by: GW

Your story is similar to mine. I lost the love of my life after 27 years of being together on 02 08 12. It still feels so raw and deep. You are not crazy...with deep and long love it seems that there is deep and long grief....pain. It is good to read about others in this blog...i'm planning to join a grief support group.

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