Why am I afraid
Why am I afraid?
It has been 768 days since I lost John. My new level of functional is very different than it was before he was gone. I do not have the drive that I did. I do not have the passion that I did. There are so many things I do not have anymore, because I do not have my John.
But what I have found is that I have developed a fear of death. I was never afraid of death before. It came in its time, it is part of being a human. However you want to put it. John, was the planner. We were of different faiths, but he had figured out if we were married I would be with him. He was worried about being with me for all eternity.
Then he died. And I am alone. I cannot tell you how many times I have begged for him to be back, or begged to be with him. The thing I have hung onto for so long is that when I take my last breath, the first thing I will see is John.
I want to be with him. I hate not having him, but what if I am wrong, what if we won’t be together. What if .. what if there is nothing, or if we are some place different, what if we are not allowed to be together.
People have told me for years that John and I were together in previous lives. Why can’t I remember that, I should be able to. I have developed this fear of death. It is not just the normal gee I don’t want to die, I want to be sure I am with John. And I will never be as good of a person as he was. Does that mean I have lost him forever?
I know that everyone has a fear of death and the unknown. I have that. But this has happened since I lost John. Maybe because loosing John meant losing my faith. Or maybe it is me realizing the truth.. I don’t know I am not even sure that this makes sense..
I just know that on one hand I do not care if I am taken tomorrow as long as I can be with John, and on the other I am terrified of going.
So in summation, grief has now officially made me crazy. Yes I know talk to someone etc etc. but it is like being a widow. How can talking to someone who has never been there possibly understand how I feel.
So I come to you my friends, my family.. and I ask.. am I the only one that has gone squirrely off the tree?
I hate this, this grief.. this death..
And of course the worst part is, the person I would talk to about this, is John..
The Irony is not lost on me.
One breath, one step one day at a time..