why are some inconsiderate

by Steffy

Its been 8 months since my husband cody was killed and everyone seems to have moved passed it.

I feel like his immediate family and myself are the only ones still in shock.

His friends seem to have moved on and forgotten that he is gone?

People act like im suppose to be doing better?
How can i be better?? I am hurting i am dying on the inside..

My baby boy is the only one holding me together and he doesnt even know it yet. He gives me strength I didnt know I had. He brings joy to my sad corrupted life.

I am angry how people think just because I am young I will get past this and fall in love again rebuild a family. Its not so easy. I loved Cody and I need him and I am not over him.. How can i be? i will never be he was 6 years into my life, My first love, my husband the father of my child and he was kille in a neighbors backyard.

I will not can not and must not move on anytime soon. I wish the comments about you are young you will be ok you will get past this would stop.

I hurt, I have real pain. I love Cody and I dont want anyone else and I am not ok.

I miss you baby so much you are so loved.

Comments for why are some inconsiderate

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Sep 22, 2012
Loosing your husband Cody
by: Debby

Steffy, I lost my husband to Cancer February 15 2011, he was 43 and we have 2 small kids. People do move on with their lives and from what I've read/been told the 6-8 month part is the hardest as it's then that the real pain of your loss surfaces, and it is pain. Its now you need them the most but no one is around to understand. People get upset wth you because of your mood swings or anger and just can't understand the stress, pain and axiety loosing your husband brings. It's now Septmeber 2012 and I still scream silently in the shower wondering why my life was taken away but those days are further apart from each other now than they were at the 7 month stage where it was every day.
I just started a group at my church called Grief Share and it's the 2nd week and we've been put into groups, those of have lost a spouse are separated from those that ost a relative. I can tell you now that this group is already helping, they understand for a start. Everyones pain is different but we are all walking a similar path. Grief Share classes are offered at churches all over the US, I'm not sure where you are located but if you are in the US it's worth looking for. Talking with other people who have been through what you are going through helps. I tried a thearapist and it didnt help at all.
As for those people who are inconsiderate, they just don't get it, its one of the topics we covered the first week of Grief Share and its very common, anoying and frustrating.
One of the things they say in Grief Share is "lean into the pain" which is what you are doing and that takes courage and it's a good thing. I ran from my grief for a long time till it caught me up! When you put your baby to bed at night, give yourself a pat on the back for getting through another day, grieving and honoring your husband, but still getting through it and taking care of your child. Try to take time to have a bubble bath, do your nails, try to find something to do for you, take care of you.
My advice, run a bubble bath, poor a glass of red wine, get in the bath, and then mumble to yourself about all those peoiple who have p'deed you off. I don't usually like to use bad language but I did find it helpful to vent my anger at some people to just say F*** you!!! repeatadly until I felt better :-)
remember this is one of the hardest things in the world to go through, it affects you emotionally, physically, socially and your getting through it day by day, so go tell the world to F*** off but remember to give yourself a pat on the back each night and say I did another day. Your husband would be proud of you.
Your in my prayers today Steffy
:-) Debby

Sep 21, 2012
by: Allison

You have double duty for sure, grieving your horrific loss and caring for a baby that takes so much time and energy. However, try to understand that outsiders have very busy lives of their own and just are incapable of taking on our daily struggle along with all their own daily commitments. I think back over the years to the many deaths that others had in their families and I know I didn't really comprehend the enormous grief they were suffering until I faced my own. I now "get it" but I also realize that boundaries have to be set or else we would all go mad enduring everyone's grief as our own. Also, many are just plain uncomfortable with this "death" thing. They want everything "to be okay". Take solace from your family and try to understand that friends really do mean well. I hope your journey gets easier as time passes. You will never forget your love but I wish for you the same peace we all are seeking. Take good care.

Sep 21, 2012
i understand
by: Tunisia

Thanks for the comment you left on my page. The sad part is to be able to understand how your feeling. I'm so f%#ing mad, and sad. I have a hard time being around men and their families. I'm envious too. The plan you two had to build a family will never be. My son will also never meet his dad. No one can truly understand unless they're in it. I'm all the way in too. I know what the hurt feels like. There is no way to describe it. Just hold on. I don't know when its going to get better but I have faith that it will. It has to.
If you haven't tried counseling it helps
I also get massage & acupunture for anxiety
I write to him in a journal when I'm feeling fully overwhelmed.
Once I have this baby I'm going to try a boxing class. Maybe that could help with the frustration.
If you want email me newbridges2012@gmail.com


Sep 21, 2012
thank you doreen
by: steffy

I appreciate the comment. Life is so confusing I have tried counciling and it just made me more upset... Not sure what can help other then writing down what I am feeling when I'm feeling It

Sep 21, 2012
by: AA (Eire)

Ah sweetheart, my heart goes out to you for your unbearable loss. Your posts have resonated with me throughout your loss, and I can still see the picture of you and Cody on your wedding day in my head. Your grief is your own. No one will ever understand this fully. No one will ever walk in your shoes, so don't expect them to. What you have been through is soul destroying and incomprehensible to many, so bear that in mind...and also that love is eternal and transcends time and space. It has been a blink since you lost Cody, so don't rush to feel better, because you feel obliged to make others feel better. Your pain must be heartbreaking for them, I feel it and I don't know you. A support group could be a better outlet, and it may be that this could give you the compassion and understanding that is essential for you at this time. Your grief will help others, although that might be hard to understand at the moment. You a true warrior and you will come to terms with this on your own terms. Your deep and lasting love for each other is represented in your darling son. Just take one day at a time and love yourself and your son as much as you love Cody. You are not alone darling, sending love, light and peace to you all the way from liverpool xxx

Sep 21, 2012
why are some inconsiderate.
by: Doreen U.K.

Steffy, I am sorry for the pain you are still in at the moment. You sound desperate and perhaps a grief counsellor could support you IN PAIN. this would at least be more bearable. I am in the same place right now. I keep getting told that it does get better in time. I don't want to hear this. It is NOW that bothers me. How do I get past the NOW. So I don't talk about how I feel. I change the subject and then I don't hear what I should be doing to help myself. like you I am not ready to move on. I will do so when I am ready. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to marry again. I don't want to go through this type of pain again. Losing a husband is the worst Pain ever. I think we will know in ourselves when the Pain gets less and we are ready to move forward into whatever life we choose. It is worse for you because you are so young to be a widow. You have a son you are raising without a dad. So you have longer to suffer this pain. But don't think you will remain where you are. You have to give yourself HOPE. If you don't who is going to. As you say everyone is going on with their own lives and planning and making all sorts of decisions that we can't make right now. If feels as if everyone doesn't care anymore they have all gone their own ways and I never will understand why this happens after the funeral. It makes me very overly sensitive. I get irritated by this and fall out with people as a result because they can't understand how it feels, or how bad the pain is. I don't know where any of the answers lie. I can at this time only reach out to GOD. He gave us Life and Death. I guess He is the only one who can really see us through this. Perhaps God is just waiting for us to call on him and depend on HIM.

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