Why can't heaven wait?
My Mom died 9 days ago and I thought I would be OK, but I'm not. She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and gone 6 weeks later. I realize that my family is fortunate that we had been forewarned and had a little time to brace ourselves. Her passing was peaceful on hospice with my sisters and I at her bedside. We got to say goodbye and her transition came with no unfinished business.
So why do I feel so horrible? I wanted her out of pain and suffering but the devastation is almost unbearable. If anyone had a ticket to heaven it was my Mom! So why are my feelings of despair so great?
I'm mad at the doctors for not finding the cancer earlier. She did not have a chance to really fight because the disease spread to multiple sites. She did not want to die. In fact, she did not want to be on hospice. The news to her was alarming and very disturbing.
She planned her own Mother's day party and it was a huge success and after everyone left she slipped into a coma and died the next day. It was if she planned the life events to her convenience and then left her body. This makes no since to me. I'm confused and hurt and I feel guilty for feeling so much pain.
I can't function right now and that scares me. She would not want me to put a "hold" on my life, yet that is what I'm doing. I feel paralyzed and hopeless. It's such a sad story for her....someone who wanted to fight for her life. I feel guilty because I want to give up on life. I told her before she died that I would gladly trade places with her and let her have my life and I would welcome hospice. Now she is gone and I am searching for one reason to continue living. I have not found the answer yet. Just does not seem fair!