Why can't heaven wait?

My Mom died 9 days ago and I thought I would be OK, but I'm not. She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and gone 6 weeks later. I realize that my family is fortunate that we had been forewarned and had a little time to brace ourselves. Her passing was peaceful on hospice with my sisters and I at her bedside. We got to say goodbye and her transition came with no unfinished business.

So why do I feel so horrible? I wanted her out of pain and suffering but the devastation is almost unbearable. If anyone had a ticket to heaven it was my Mom! So why are my feelings of despair so great?

I'm mad at the doctors for not finding the cancer earlier. She did not have a chance to really fight because the disease spread to multiple sites. She did not want to die. In fact, she did not want to be on hospice. The news to her was alarming and very disturbing.

She planned her own Mother's day party and it was a huge success and after everyone left she slipped into a coma and died the next day. It was if she planned the life events to her convenience and then left her body. This makes no since to me. I'm confused and hurt and I feel guilty for feeling so much pain.

I can't function right now and that scares me. She would not want me to put a "hold" on my life, yet that is what I'm doing. I feel paralyzed and hopeless. It's such a sad story for her....someone who wanted to fight for her life. I feel guilty because I want to give up on life. I told her before she died that I would gladly trade places with her and let her have my life and I would welcome hospice. Now she is gone and I am searching for one reason to continue living. I have not found the answer yet. Just does not seem fair!

Comments for Why can't heaven wait?

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May 31, 2012
by: Jacki

I'm so sorry to hear about ur loss. I went through the same thing. Even though I had a 11 months with my mom it's never enough time to prep yourself for your mothers passing. I lost my mother a little over a month ago from liver failure due to her stage 4 breast cancer which just took over her body. Even though I know how much relief my mother got from being able to go to heaven and get away from her pain I knew my mom wasn't ready to pass, in fact my mom didn't realize she was passing until the Tuesday before she passed. She looked me right in the eyes and " jacki, I'm not ready to die, I can't die" with tears in her eyes. That was the first time I've seen my mom cry through this whole processes. It was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with and it makes it even harder when ppl say it will be okay. Cuz it's not going to be. Just know that your mother is always watching over you now. You have the best guardian angel that anyone can have. I always think when something unexpected but happy its because now I have my mom to guide things the right way.

May 29, 2012
Missing her
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your response. Talking to her in my mind does help. I cannot sleep since she passed. Thought's of her last day keep running through my mind. I wish she would have been more receptive to hospice. The biggest pain comes from knowing in her heart she wanted to stay with us and God plucked her away. Sad in Texas.

May 26, 2012
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your story. I lost my mom recently too, just before Mother's day. I still can't believe it and am still in a state of shock. I don't understand either. It's very hard to go on. I wake up and think it's not just another day it's another day without my mother. Another day of pain. I am sorry for everyone in our state. I never knew it would be this hard.

May 24, 2012
by: ron

It's been 8 months and I talk to my mom every day.She died 9 weeks after diagnosis.She was so healthy and the most beautiful person in my world.I had the most wonderful relationship with my mom.I am still mad that she was taken.She died with the dignity she lived with.Always worried about everyone else.It's so unfair and even thou I'm not religious I feel that she was taken because she was needed elsewhere.That's the only way to understand this life

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