Why cant the tears come?

by Lynda

Our darling,talented,compassionate caring son Stephen was born in 1987 with congenital heart disorder.First operation was 3 days old and he had several others throughout his life.During an aortic vale replacement in 2004 he suffered 3 acquired strokes as the op went wrong. He had just been accepted for uni to study a BMus Hons in Edinburgh.He had to learn how to write,walk,speak and feed and dress himself and he was back at work teaching classical guitar within 3 months.He had to wait another year before going to uni and audition again and even though he had short term memory probs and his right hand never fully recovered he still was an excellent guitarist.He had been teaching children and adults since he was 16 and many pupils still came to him for lessons after all these years. He also had a scoliosis and poor kidney function and uncontrollable high blood pressure.Stephen was so focused and never once in his short life did he complain about his `lot`.He gained 1st class hon degree then went onto do a masters in musicology at Nottingham.He then went on to do a 2 year Msc in Music Therapy at Queen Margaret uni in Edinburgh and even delayed a `enlargement of aortic arch`operation until he sat his exams in April 2012.He went into Golden Jubilee Hospital in Glasgow on 14 May 2012 and although the op was deemed successful he suffered `global hypoxic brain injury`. The medical team there tried for 10 consecutive days to revive him but sadly his life support was withdrawn on May 25 ( my birthday)at 6.04pm.We have no reason apart from the surgeon saying `perhaps we over perfused his brain`.Was it because of Stephens previos strokes...who can tell.It was just horrific.Every day waiting for them to try and bring Stephen round(he was heavily sedated to stop involuntary movements but only his brain stem was functioning)..he had no consciousness ..so they said...I wonder?.Lots of other traumatic things happened but too many to mention here.It has now been 3 months and I cannot cry. I have had some tears but only for a minute.I am having panic attacks and anxiety and although I know it is real I still cannot believe this has happened. Stephen has had problems after all his operations but this time I thought `luck must be on his side this time` and was fairly relaxed about it. I knew as soon as I saw him (about 3-4 hours afet op) that we had lost him. There was a stillness about him I hadnt seen before.I always said after each op `Stephen,squeeze my hand if you can hear me...and he always did...until this time`.Why? How? Did we make the right decision and withdraw the life support.Maybe Stephen would not have been in a permanent vegetative state if we had given him more time.Stephen was the kindest, most thoughtful,loving,generous,talented (classical guitarist,jazz,scottish (Nackytoosh Ceilidh band),handsome,diligent,focused,caring,fun loving human being I have ever met and he was our son.I cant believe we were so blessed to have a son like him.All the letters and cards I received from all over UK and world all said the same things about him so I knew I wasnt being biased at all.When does the pain ease?Why wont the tears come?

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Aug 27, 2012
Why can't the tears come?
by: Doreen U.K.

Lynda. I was born in Scotland and know of the country and it's people. I am sorry for your loss of your beloved Son. I felt very Blessed reading your post about your son. I also felt very sad for your loss. Such Talent, such Love and perseverance in the face of adversity, says it all. Your Son sounds like a GIFT to you from God. For someone to face such adversity and just keep living and climbing, and going all the way to success as if each day was precious and worth living and fighting for. Is indeed the story of someone EXTRA SPECIAL. It fills me with a sadness to hear of one so talented and possessing a great skill and then it is a LOSS TO THE WORLD. I felt this way about my husband being a carpenter and working with asbestos that gave him a deadly cancer and caused him a slow death for over 3yrs. My husband's skill also I see as a LOSS TO THE WORLD. Grief is so very painfull. If you can't cry Lynda it is because your grief is FROZEN. When someone loses a child even an Adult child they could benefit from grief counselling. Also grief can become STUCK and we often can't move forward and can't cry which is a great part of expressing grief. You would benefit greatly from seeing a grief counsellor to assist you especially since you are having panic attacks and anxiety. How does anyone go on after the death of our loved one? Even one day at a time is so very hard. Each day seems like an eternity. For me each day is still a mountain to climb. You had to make a decision that is hard for any parent to make, whether to continue with life support. In life we have to make many decisions and some as hard as this one is never easy. Part of grief will leave you wondering if you made the right decision. We will never know if we make the right decisions. It is only when something goes wrong that we start to feel guilty about making a decision that may now seem as if it was the wrong decision. I feel like this also. Should my husband have had Chemotherapy, and Radiotherapy when he felt that this would kill him quicker rather than prolong his life? some people fight cancer without chemo and Radiotherapy and they survive. Would my husband Steve have survived? I don't know? I still have many questions even with healing. Steve had a partial healing and then went on to die. Why? I hear endless stories of people being healed from cancer. I hurt and turn off the channel on the TV. I guess we just have to leave what we don't know with God. He is the only one who has all the answers. I hope that the days ahead will give you Peace in your grief.

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