Why Did she have to Suffer?

by Evelynn Aguilar Bailey
(San Antonio, Texas)

Two and half years ago my Mother was given 3 months to live. She had been misdiagnosed so badly and so many times by the time they had found the ovarian cancer it had spread. We thanked the Doctor for the correct diagnoses and took a couple of weeks to visit other doctors who would give us more time. We found one willing to work with her for more time and after a long and risky operation and chemo she had a 6 month remission and we went to Disney World. I should be feeling grateful, I know.

She requested an at home hospice experience after the chemo stopped working. My sister quit her job to take care of her and I quit my job too towards the end. The hospice people were angels but the process seemed so cruel. I just watched my Mother suffering, getting medicated and waiting to die. It was degrading and maddening, toward the end I prayed for the release that only death would bring her. We were all there at the end but she had really been gone for a while. Not really here, not really there. There was no drama, we all played our roles as we should and now it's over.

We buried her 3 days ago and I am plagued by nightmares and the inability to focus. The friends, calls and cards are dwindling and I am just left with my numbing grief.