Why Didn't She Tell Me

by Michelle
(Illinois)

I lost my mom on April 2, 2012 to cancer. She never told me or my brother that she had cancer. I live in Illinois and she in New York. I spoke to her at least 5 times a week, and saw her 3 times last year. Never once she mentioned that she was sick. I want to know why. Why didn't she tell me. I spent 4 days with her before she passed. We talked and I cried, but it's not enough. I want to know why. I feel I could have done something to help her. Everyone keep saying that is the way she wanted it. I can't accept that. I feel my life around me is crumbling around me. I made an appointment to a grief counselor; I pray it helps. I don't know how to go on with her.

Comments for Why Didn't She Tell Me

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Apr 25, 2012
I wasn't told the true extent of her illness
by: Ilana

In my case, my parents kept the truth about the extent of my mother's cancer from me and my brother. We were told she had ovarian cancer and that she would go through chemo and be fine. We were never told she only had a 30% chance of survival. If I knew that, I would have spent all of my time with my mother. I only got five months and even then, there were times when my mother didn't want to see me or my brother. I suspect your mother felt the same way. They don't want us to see them in that condition and try to protect us. They mean well, but they don't think about the end result. Meaning that although they are trying to protect us, they are keeping us away from the truth and taking away valuable time that we could have had with them. It hurts, I know it does, but I have come to the realization that we need to respect their wishes.

Apr 22, 2012
Grief
by: Anonymous

Hey I lost my mother in 2006 to cancer unexeptedly and my initial reaction was anger and guilt. I was 14 and felt that she was a burden on the family before but didnt realize her condition was that serious, I never got to say goodbye before she was gone and was angry that for all that time before i had wanted to her gone anyway, i felt like a terrible person relieved that someone was dead, what a terrible way to see your mother go, i couldnt accept that feeling so i got angry at her feeling that she quit on us.. the house was never emptier the day she was gone but i believe that she wanted and wants me to continue and be the person that she raised me to be and iam going to commit to that for her or myself but for life.

Apr 19, 2012
Why Didn't She Tell Me
by: Michelle

I want to thank you for your encouraging words, they have really meant a lot to me. Judith, please continue to pray for me. I am having such a difficult time. I wish she would have left me a note or something. I am a fixer and I would have liked the chance to try and fix it for her. It seems like she took that away from me. Thank you all for your thoughtful words.

Michelle

Apr 19, 2012
My Experiences
by: Anonymous

I'm 15 and I lost my mum to cancer last year. She was open about it with me and my older sisters, but my younger sisters didn't really know what was happening. A reason for this is that she didn't want it to affect our schooling and she wanted us to live a great life without having to feel upset knowing what was going to happen. I feel as though my sisters not knowing was a good thing in a way because they were both under the age of 13 and the wouldn't have completely understood everything. I knew about what was happening and I found it quite hard to keep focused in school. Cancer is a horrible thing and I know from experience that there is nothing you personally could have done, if there was something doctors would have done it.

Apr 18, 2012
Instinct?
by: Novi

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to cancer last November. Back in July when she was first diagnosed, she admitted to my brother and I that she had thought about not telling us. Her reason was that she didn't want to put us through the pain of anticipatory grief. But unlike yourself, I live in the same city as my mom. She knew she wouldn't be able to hide it. Maybe she didn't tell you because it was her instinct as a mother to protect her child.
I was seeing a grief counselor for a while too; it helped me. Next I want to try group therapy. I hope you find a counselor you click with and that you benefit as much as possible from it.

Apr 18, 2012
Help To Understand
by: Judith

Michelle, I'm sorry for your loss.
Your sweet mother had her reasons as to why she did not tell you AND you must accept it. It was cancer and you could not have done anything to help her. IF the doctors couldn't with all their knowledge how could you? All you would have done is sit with her and worry and cry and feel sorry for her and she didn't want that for you or your brother.

I pray for your healing and understanding of her loving you wanting to protect you from a lot of stress and worry. It was not selfish but selfless.

Look to God for the strength to see you through this grief.

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