Why does it seem birthdays and holidays are so much harder for moms?

by Debbie
(Oregon)

My story is one of violently losing my daughter, Kristy, age 38 when she died, and of Jordan, our only grandson, age 5 at his time of death. Their husband and father of Jordan, were snapped from us so suddenly when the husband/father/son-in-law killed then. He had completed two tours in Iraq, developed PTSD, but promised never to hurt them. Kristy tried so hard to help him, being the caregiver and loving person she was, but her 40th birthday would have been this Saturday and I cry at a drop of a hat. I have been doing better but now find myself so lost, alone, and vulnerable at this present time than ever. I want to celebrate their lives but the tears and heart-ache hit me so suddenly that I can't even get my great.

I am not sure how this to get though this. My husband, Greg, and I have been married 42 years. These "anniversaries don't seem to take him down like they do me.Maybe it is because it seems the woman was the one to plan all the birthdays, assure Christmas gifts were bought and wrapped, and that type of thing. I want to take something on Kristy's birthday and sleep the day away. I truly have given every thought to make sure I could make her day a celebration of her life, but the pain is so intense. Anyone have any ideas on what I can do?

Thank you,

Debbie

Comments for Why does it seem birthdays and holidays are so much harder for moms?

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Mar 10, 2013
I wish I had some answers for you
by: Terri (Liverpool UK)

Hello Debbie - what an absolutely horrific thing to happen to you and your family. It's so shocking to read and must be unbelievably heartbreaking for you.
I lost my eldest daughter Nicola just before Christmas (2012). She was only 32 and left behind two beautiful little boys. Knowing I have them is a great comfort to me but you are suffering the loss of your little Jordan too. I wish I had something profound to say that would ease your pain, unfortunately I don't. Losing a child creates such a void in your life and at the moment it feels as though it will never be filled. The only way I can get through the day is literally hour by hour. If I feel like crying I cry. If I feel like sleeping I sleep. If I don;t want to talk I don't. You have to care for yourself. Be kind to your heart and remember how much you loved your daughter and grandson - and how much they loved you.

Mar 08, 2013
I know your pain
by: Cynthia

Hi Debbie, I am so sorry for you loss. It is a mother's worst nightmare. I lost my youngest son of 29yrs ,it will be 2 years in April. The way we celebrate his birthday is by cooking his favorite meal, inviting a few of our best friends over who know our pain and love us deeply. We toast him, read the cards that we bought for him. As long as I am alive I will always buy him a birthday card and read it to him. We buy balloons, put a message on them and send them up to him. You should not be alone , I have tried to isolate myself and it makes the pain worse. I also have to be out in nature a lot, I take a lot of walks with our dog, we got her about 3 months after my son passed and she is a blessing to me, she gets me out of bed, she needs me and I need her. Our journey is the hardest we will ever travel, but we need to keep going because our child wants us to live our life as best we can and your husband needs you. Take care of yourself and be kind of yourself , if you fall down that is okay just get yourself back up and keep moving.
You may not believe it but you will survive. I never thought I would , but I am still here. If you would like to email me:
cynthia.thompson@norcalgold.com
Take care, Cynthia

Mar 08, 2013
Do what is...
by: SoSadDad

Do what is right for you, Debbie. You have surffered a terrible loss times two. There is nothing worse than losing a child. The only thing that compares at all is losing a grandchild. And these less than two years ago. Debbie, my wife and I lost our two adult daughters, our only children, 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 years ago. Mel was 31 and Jenn was 28. Of course, the celebration days, like Birthdays, Remembrance days, Christmas, Easter and the others are very difficult. We do have a grandson, and he wipes out some of the grief and sadness by his presence. But you need to do only what you feel like doing. Trust me, your husband is hurting just like you. Unfortunately, sometimes we tough guys tend to hide our feelings, 'cause we're tough, you know? But we hurt just the same. Try to understand that. I am so very sorry for what you are experiencing. It is a horror story come true, and no one will understand the depth of your grief, except perhaps another grieving parent. See if there is a Compassionate Friends group locally. They are lifesavers. God bless you!
www.compsassionatefriends.org

Mar 08, 2013
Why does it seeem birthdays and holidays are so much harder form moms?
by: Doreen U.K.

Debbie I am so sorry for your loss of your daughter Kirsty and grandson Jordan to a violent death. What a tragedy and great loss to you and your husband.
This is such a cruel and unnecessary way to die. Two young lives cut down so suddenly in the prime of their lives. You won't get over this any time soon. The scars will heal in time. But often TIME feels as if it is FOREVER THIS WAY.
You will find a way to honour your daughter. Do what you feel like doing on this day. If it is NOTHING. Then this is what you do. It is how you FEEL INSIDE that will determine how you spend this day.
I buried my husband of 44yrs. 10 months ago from cancer. He died 16 days before his 66th birthday. My sister and husband, my daughter, and my husband's sister and her husband went to the graveside and put balloons down. We tied them down firm. with the usual flowers and plaques of remembrance. I could only have done this with family support. It still feels very surreal. On Christmas I bought Steve's favourite drink of Ruby Port and raised a glass to him. I honour my beloved as and when I am able to. I have made a small memorial in our back garden yard. I can go there and honour him. I then want to prepare his Log cabin with all the things Steve loved. He won't ever be forgotten. MY HEART ACHES. God gives me the strength to go on in life and He gives me the strength to honour my beloved when I can.
For your Kirsty you can put flowers down for her. Maybe a 40th Balloon. A memento of something she loved. But just don't do anything that is too painful. You could also go out for a meal or a drink in honour of her and raise a glass to her. Also DO IT FOR YOU. & YOUR HUSBAND. Do something that is going to make you both feel better. However small it is. It is the significance of the day and the taking part that is important. You can build on this and it can be the start of a new way of life for you. We have a responsibility to each other to make our days as best as we can for each other and those we still have left in our life. It is all about remembering and making new memories that will also include those we have lost. It is harder for Moms as they are the primary homemaker and as you say. Buy the cards and gifts for Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and those holidays that belong to families coming together. A Mom does it all. This is why it is so hard for you. Involve your husband and other family members to do something if you can't do it. But you can still celebrate the moment. Best wishes

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