Why does this happen... all I want is him back.

by Michelle
(Ireland)

My Dad died 9 months ago. I am lost without him. I feel alone in my house even though its full of people. I looked at a picture of him yesterday, and he looked like a stranger. It felt like he had been part of another life with me. I want him back here. I don't care anymore, I can't handle this grief that eats you up. There is a pain in my heart, a space that he has taken with him wherever he has gone. It is very real and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to think about dealing with this. All I want is him here to hug me one more time or a hundred more times. It will never be enough. He had cancer. They told us it was an ulcer that was very treatable because they caught it so early. "They" are nameless faceless people that couldn't save him. All the odds were stacked against him. The operation was a success but the treatment failed again and again. We thought there would be another operation maybe. Then they told us that he was better, that he was on the mend, in remission maybe. A week later they told us that surgery wasn't an option because it had traveled. They said there was nothing they could do. I watched him slowly lose the ability to walk normally, climb the stairs unassisted, go to the toilet and stand up by himself. We got him a bed for downstairs. He never got a chance to use it... I sleep in it now and I usually do a good job of blocking it out but right now I can't. I'm tired and I just want my pain to end. I don't wish he was back here right now because I know he would be in so much pain and wouldn't be able to do anything for himself. I know this. I want my Daddy back from 10 years ago when I was 8 and summer was just over and he would wait for me to finish school and come home on the bus and give out to me for making too much noise but still make the dinner before my Mam got home. He had an office at home where he was able to do his job, I sleep in it now because we needed a room for me. I was 17, he was 51. My mam is heartbroken. I know its hard to believe, but their love is the stuff of fairytales. They are soul mates in every sense. That makes it hurt so much more. I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know what I'm doing but I think it's ok. Please.... I can't take this I can't cope, I'm falling to pieces slowly but surely. I have loads of people I could talk to, so why is it that I feel like the only person in this world? I want him to come back to me. That's all. I've never wanted something more in my life, and it is cruel that I will never again have him right here with me when He needs me and I need him. What if he needs me now but can't see me? Why why why I don't get it...

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Sep 24, 2013
My Papa ...my Hero.
by: Samantha

My Papa passed away on 24 Sept 2013..a part of me has died too. In my family Papa was the person I felt 100% safe & comfortable with.Papa provided me with unconditional love. Tears can fall at anytime of the day but the weeping is at home. How do I erase the emptiness ? No-one can compare to Papa...sometimes I feel really low but I know Papa would not want me to do something stupid. Papa I hope you meet you in the afterlife..as father & child once again.

Sep 17, 2013
I love my dad
by: rose

I feel every word you said.. Its only been a month since I lost my dad, who was also my best friend.. He was there for me daily.. I needed him more than he needed me. I took care of him day and night, until the last day.. My days are unbearable..I know what you mean about wanting one last hug.. I am trying to be strong. but the tears just come and come. Everyone tells me to be strong, but I don't want to be strong right now.. I can't even look at his picture without my heart breaking. I love my dad and don't know how to move on

Sep 13, 2013
You're Not Alone
by: Debra

Michelle,
I lost my dad last November, so I am also coming up on the anniversary of his death. You're words reflect the anguish you are feeling right now, and I wish I could reach out and just hold you until the pain goes away. But alas, it does not go away: however, it does become bearable. It sounds so cliche' but you must ride this grief process out. There will be days when you feel almost normal and other days when you won't want to get out of bed. Although it doesn't feel like it, you will feel moments of joy. I have used this time to build a new relationship with my mom. We have grown incredibly close. You're mother will need you now, more than ever. God bless you Michelle and continue to share your journey with all of us. We do care and remember, you're not alone.

Sep 07, 2013
Why does this happen... all I want is him back
by: Doreen U.K.

Michelle I am sorry for your loss of your dad at a very delicate time in your life when you still needed nurturing of a father.
You are in despair and need professional support to help you get past this raw grief that is crushing you to the point of despair. Please consider seeing a grief counsellor. They are trained in this area. My sister was in despair when she lost her son. She had to have a counsellor come to her home. She couldn't function anymore. It did help her to come through the worst of raw grief. There is no shame in needing support.
Cancer is such a horrible disease to have to fight from. My husband had lung cancer and it was terminal. His cancer was incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. His face crumbled when we got the diagnosis. My world ended that day. I went through this horrendous 3yrs. cancer battle with him and watched him die a slow painful death. He died 16 months ago. The only way forward from grief is ONE DAY AT A TIME. Good support and taking care of yourself by nurturing yourself back into good emotional health. But it takes TIME. I want my husband back also but I know this will not happen. Instead I draw from my deep Faith in God. I know from my beliefs that I will see my husband again. This is the only way I could go forward. Knowing and believing in Eternal Life. We live in a fallen world and because of Sin we Die. But death is not the end. Our loved ones are safe in the arms of God. No harm can come to them. We have to find a way to move forward each day. I try to FOCUS on Heaven and what it will be like to be there. I gain strength from this. Find something you can do to make your world better. What is important is to get you past your despair into a healthy grief. Crying is healthy grief. You need to express this emotion of crying when you feel like it. Don't try and be brave and show anyone you are strong and coping. Often our families are grieving also and so you may feel so alone without someone to talk to and express your sorrow. I cried on the bus, the train, in the bank, in the supermarket. I always felt better. This is where our healing comes from. You are struggling with your grief and a good counsellor could lift the lid off your raw grief and help you cope better till you can find your world changing. You are worried about your mother. She is in the same place as me losing my husband so I think she would benefit also from seeing a grief counsellor to help her past this rough stage of struggling with grief. Life does change from day to day. Some days good and some bad. When Healing starts this is when you will be able to find your way back into life again. Life hurts. I know. WE all on this site feel it and know what you are going through. You could also keep a journal and write out your feelings of sorrow to your father and even write letters to him in your private journal. This is also another way to heal from grief. Write back again.

Sep 07, 2013
lonley
by: Jolynn

I said I lost my son 8 months ago but it is going to be a year in a few weeks...the worst year of my life. There are no silver linings in losing a loved one but there is change and we can become better people thru empathy and understanding what is truly important in life...not a Prada handbag(not that I'd turn one down if asked...just kidding).keep a look out for joy some little place each day and try to find gratitude as difficult as that may be right now. You did not die with your father, you are alive and well. You will be able to survive and face any challenge that comes your way after this.

Sep 07, 2013
lonely
by: Jolynn

Michelle I am so sorry you lost your dear friend and father. You are in such pain because you loved him so and to be separated feels like a physical affliction. You are wounded mentally and physically. You were actually grieving during your father's illness. It was pure heartache to watch his silent decline as your memories most cherished were of a strong, fit energetic dad who could out do you sometimes. Your relationship sounds special and close, try to find some peace in that. Grief can cause acute reactions in our body. In the doctors manual it talks about the health issues that can befall someone who suffers a profound loss. Do u have any reprieve? ANY "good" days". If not. u may be clinically depressed and should seek help. Those of us who grieve are overloaded with the stress hormone Cortisol. It's not a matter of weakness that we hurt and weep for loved ones we feel emptiness and loneliness. It is quite normal to experience loneliness even in a room filled with people as loneliness and being alone are two ends of the emotional spectrum. Being alone is solitude an escape from distractions. Loneliness is emptiness and hurt and longing. You wonder how anybody can hurt so badly and live. I know this well because I lost my 26 yr old son about 8 months ago. He was an officer in the Marines training to be a fighter pilot. Things went terribly wrong and he died of a Heroin overdose. It was shocking and horrifying and pitiful to watch a big tough soldier become sickly, pale and sad. It made me feel sick. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes it's worse many months after they pass on because numbness, shock and denial are gone. You wonder how people around you can go about their day when your days have come crashing down. You yearn to have 5 minutes more with him Guilt can become a companion. You are forgetful. You feel horrible sadness and depression when you think that everything you love has been taken from you. You wonder where he is. You no longer care about taking care of yourself. You find there is an endless loop in your head replaying everything. You think u may die and welcome that. Don't think that each day is a day without him...think each day is another day closer to reuniting with him. You WILL start to feel better. Get out. Go to movies, lunch with friends even if u don't want to. Join a grief group where u can share your loss. All the things u are going thru is really growing thru grief, painful as it is you must have courage to face the pain.
Keep sharing as it will lighten your heavy load. I am so sorry. I sleep with my son's shirt and I write him letters, then I write what I think he would want to say to me. Read about grief and the ways people cope. Something may help I hope.
Take care of yourself you are broken right now.

Sep 07, 2013
Why does this happen...all I want is him back.
by: Katrina

Hi Michelle, I lost my mom a little over 3 months ago, and yes the pain of losing her is almost unbearable at times. I don't know your religion or what you believe in, but I am a Christian and I say this because about 3 weeks ago I felt as though I could not go on but I kept praying to Dear God to please help me. I went to church last week and I must tell you that it really did ease my pain a little. At times like these I have learned to hold on to the little moments when it seems I breathe a little easier, I cherish those moments because the pain hurts so bad till it even hurts when I'm sleeping but I just continue to keep praying because I know that God is the only one who can give me comfort. Michelle I pray for you, your mom and your family for your pain to be eased.

Sep 07, 2013
You're Not Alone
by: Anonymous

Dear Michelle,
I am so, so sorry to read about your father.I started to cry reading your post and I could have written this post myself. I lost my father in January - suddenly and without warning. I am feeling the EXACT same way. The same raw emotion, grief, lonliness and incredible sense of loss. I am a grown woman, with two children and a husband, but I was still my Dad's little girl. He and my mother also had a fairy tale marriage - almost 50 years. She is beyond heartbroken and her grief and sadness is so hard for me to watch. I also posted on this website last night because I found pictures of my Dad from the holidays 2012. I cannot even imagine the holidays this year - just regular days and weeks are almost impossible to get through. I go through each day with a heaviness and a sadness that is just too much to bear. The memories, the pictures, everything. This is a wonderful place - we all can relate to your emotions, and there is a lot of support here. Please know that you are in my thoughts. May you find some comfort along the way. Barb

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