Why does this happen... all I want is him back.
My Dad died 9 months ago. I am lost without him. I feel alone in my house even though its full of people. I looked at a picture of him yesterday, and he looked like a stranger. It felt like he had been part of another life with me. I want him back here. I don't care anymore, I can't handle this grief that eats you up. There is a pain in my heart, a space that he has taken with him wherever he has gone. It is very real and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to think about dealing with this. All I want is him here to hug me one more time or a hundred more times. It will never be enough. He had cancer. They told us it was an ulcer that was very treatable because they caught it so early. "They" are nameless faceless people that couldn't save him. All the odds were stacked against him. The operation was a success but the treatment failed again and again. We thought there would be another operation maybe. Then they told us that he was better, that he was on the mend, in remission maybe. A week later they told us that surgery wasn't an option because it had traveled. They said there was nothing they could do. I watched him slowly lose the ability to walk normally, climb the stairs unassisted, go to the toilet and stand up by himself. We got him a bed for downstairs. He never got a chance to use it... I sleep in it now and I usually do a good job of blocking it out but right now I can't. I'm tired and I just want my pain to end. I don't wish he was back here right now because I know he would be in so much pain and wouldn't be able to do anything for himself. I know this. I want my Daddy back from 10 years ago when I was 8 and summer was just over and he would wait for me to finish school and come home on the bus and give out to me for making too much noise but still make the dinner before my Mam got home. He had an office at home where he was able to do his job, I sleep in it now because we needed a room for me. I was 17, he was 51. My mam is heartbroken. I know its hard to believe, but their love is the stuff of fairytales. They are soul mates in every sense. That makes it hurt so much more. I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know what I'm doing but I think it's ok. Please.... I can't take this I can't cope, I'm falling to pieces slowly but surely. I have loads of people I could talk to, so why is it that I feel like the only person in this world? I want him to come back to me. That's all. I've never wanted something more in my life, and it is cruel that I will never again have him right here with me when He needs me and I need him. What if he needs me now but can't see me? Why why why I don't get it...