WHY, From Nowhere Now ?

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

My Frog on a Journey

My Frog on a Journey

How many times do we ask the same question, Why me, why now, why ~ what did or didn't I do....
If only ~ the never ending questions.....
What do we do? what do we say, am I doing it right or what have I done wrong....
Life is not a road down the lane, we go right, then left, over the hill and it's not to grandma's place...
We see into a darkness that's taken those we love, wishing we could enter but left standing in the light ~ unable to enter the darkness.
We are life, a light of our souls so we must continue walking, running and sometimes falling but always moving forward.
The darkness is a barrier between life and death.
A heart missing on this side, a soul knowing they can not easy the pain of the other. It's these moments in time that I miss Billy so much. I was on a roll, doing good, meeting and talking to the outside world and even working, but like a roller-coaster I've dipped to the lowest and into the darkness and my soul is crying for what it can't have. I know I'll soon be in the light, the day, the ease of pain caring a broke heart around taped, stapled and string wrapped around tightly hope I'll be able to keep the pieces from falling.
I speak words of words but my heart cry's for a love lost and gone until we meet once more on the other side. I'm brave to the outside world, if they only looked inside what would they see. It's been awhile since I've bottomed out so to speak but the lows are lower when you try to enter the world and be a person. Maybe its better to stay in the cave of memories, live with the love once had and wait until time calls me to go...
My heart say's stay, my comment sense and Billy standing in the background telling me to pull myself up by the boot straps and do what needs to be done. I've tried, but nobody is him and I don't want anybody but him.
My sorrow is deep this night. Just when you think your doing better its a drop of devastation into the pit of despair. Devastation, despair, sorrow, heartbreak and overbearing pain are words that now become regulars in my vocabulary. It's simple and plain ~ it sucks being me and I'm tired, so tired...
So I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, pray once more to see Billy in my dreams and hope with tomorrows morning light I will be able to start a new day with new hope.
Tonight is dark and painful ~ a time I haven't felt in awhile. So I will give myself tonight, to feel, cry and want Billy... This sorrow tonight I give myself permission to feel the lost but I know tomorrow, I will be here, I have survived the night and I will continue forward....
This is just a dip, a darkness in the road I travel...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

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Oct 07, 2011
Living life with arms wide open...

I thought that I had a handle on grief. I really thought that I was on the tail end of this misery. Things were looking up, I was looking forward I even found myself with a glimpse of excitement with Halloween coming up. It was Paul's and My favorite holiday.

He would have a theme brewing in July. How he would decorate the yard. Figure out what the theme of the party would be. It was our big shin dig and we did so for 13 years. But when he died that died with him, last year I said !@#$%^&*()) Halloween! But this year just a glimpse of excitement returned.

Yet yesterday the 6th of Oct I had a major meltdown at work and had to leave, I could not stop sobbing and left work. I took off on a road trip and going the Halloween City in a total fog, remembering how gleeful we would be entering that store, or Spencer's Spirit of Halloween.

I guess it was the fact that my 2 year mark is coming up Dec 6th 2011. The fact that I have managed for nearly two years without him. The fact that it was forever yesterday that he died.

Grief never really leaves it just dissipates long enough for us to test out this new life, to strive for some joy because we know that that is what we are supposed to be doing. Celebrating life instead of dying with them. It is not by any means easy but we just keep on keeping on. When a really bad day jumps out of no where it does startle us and bewilder us and our progress.

But we will make it we will make a new life one day one step at a time. With every new experience we view the world for us and with them, right there at our side cheering us on. Lets not let them or ourselves down. Lets see what life has to offer and embrace it with both arms wide open. Let us find new things that we have never done before and hit it with gusto. Viva la life! from this day from this moment on...

Oct 07, 2011
from your cousin
by: Anonymous

There are days, night, and moments when I wonder how we manage to move on. I thought I had some kind of "handle" on life until my son died. Now I just wander aimlessly day after day after day....waiting for the time when I can join him. Nothing has meaning anymore. I have come to realize that this little stop on earth is just a moment in the big picture. The real life comes after we die. so.....one step, one breath....

Oct 07, 2011
1 year
by: Anonymous

I empathize with you in your deep valley of distress and pain. I am approaching my year mark and feel as if I am falling backward. The worst part is there is no one to catch me. I hope that with the sun comes a little brightness to your day. Even if it is just a small sunbeam. I like your idea of the frog on it's journey. For that is what we are truly on is a journey into unknown territory. May the Lord bless your path.

Oct 07, 2011
by: M Mack


A year is not a long time when healing from loss of a soulmate. After all, the love we had was nurtured over time, many years and circumstances have made our relationships as love took time to grow. I know you heard the saying "love is patient, love is kind" and thats exactly what we had. Its unfortunate we had to loose our partners so early. I cry for all of us who lost someone we love. We are given the worst project in the world, to live through the pain of grief. Going on and making it is now a project and alot of hard work. So take your next steps carefully, one breath, one step, one day at a time and pray. Pray for strength to carry through until you meet Billy in eternity. As always, my best to all and hope for better times in our very days and years ahead.

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