WHY, From Nowhere Now ?
by Patricia
My Frog on a Journey
If only ~ the never ending questions..... What do we do? what do we say, am I doing it right or what have I done wrong.... Life is not a road down the lane, we go right, then left, over the hill and it's not to grandma's place... We see into a darkness that's taken those we love, wishing we could enter but left standing in the light ~ unable to enter the darkness. We are life, a light of our souls so we must continue walking, running and sometimes falling but always moving forward. The darkness is a barrier between life and death. A heart missing on this side, a soul knowing they can not easy the pain of the other. It's these moments in time that I miss Billy so much. I was on a roll, doing good, meeting and talking to the outside world and even working, but like a roller-coaster I've dipped to the lowest and into the darkness and my soul is crying for what it can't have. I know I'll soon be in the light, the day, the ease of pain caring a broke heart around taped, stapled and string wrapped around tightly hope I'll be able to keep the pieces from falling. I speak words of words but my heart cry's for a love lost and gone until we meet once more on the other side. I'm brave to the outside world, if they only looked inside what would they see. It's been awhile since I've bottomed out so to speak but the lows are lower when you try to enter the world and be a person. Maybe its better to stay in the cave of memories, live with the love once had and wait until time calls me to go... My heart say's stay, my comment sense and Billy standing in the background telling me to pull myself up by the boot straps and do what needs to be done. I've tried, but nobody is him and I don't want anybody but him. My sorrow is deep this night. Just when you think your doing better its a drop of devastation into the pit of despair. Devastation, despair, sorrow, heartbreak and overbearing pain are words that now become regulars in my vocabulary. It's simple and plain ~ it sucks being me and I'm tired, so tired... So I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, pray once more to see Billy in my dreams and hope with tomorrows morning light I will be able to start a new day with new hope. Tonight is dark and painful ~ a time I haven't felt in awhile. So I will give myself tonight, to feel, cry and want Billy... This sorrow tonight I give myself permission to feel the lost but I know tomorrow, I will be here, I have survived the night and I will continue forward.... This is just a dip, a darkness in the road I travel... Always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year
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