by Ivy A. Harper III
The last time we fished.
I am a male 43 years old and my dad passes away on Mar. 11 2013 at the age of 82. Before March 3, my Dad had never spent a sick night in the hospital. We suffered the loss of my sister in 2009 and both Mom and Dad have gone down since. Dad's mobility had gotten to the point that he was not far from a wheel chair and he even had difficulty feeding himself. My mother was in complete denial about his condition and actually made taking care of him harder. In 2008, my wife and I had to make the decision to take his truck and that nearly killed both of us. To see the man that has been my crutch all my life, begin to lose his independence was awful. I guess the point I am trying to make is that I know that it was Dad's time and God's plan was fulfilled.
At first the pain was entirely different than what I am feeling now. I work as a construction manager and have great responsibilities. The decisions I make daily not only affect hundreds of people but can cost millions of dollars. I have never had any trouble and have always been confident in my decisions. Now I am constantly second guessing myself and have such a insecure feeling, in almost every aspect of my life.
I have no regrets or wishes about my father. I don't think, I wish I would have told him this or would have done that. We had a wonderful relationship and I am blessed that I had such a great friend, father and mentor. As he was lying in the hospital bed with a bi-pap mask on, he was trying to tell me something. I removed the masked and held his weakening hand. He looked at me with a big smile and said "Boy, I should have whipped your *ss more." We laughed and I will hold that in my heart forever.
What I am struggling with is the fact that the pain is getting worse. I can't seem to get back to a somewhat normal state. I don't dwell on it. But I could drop my head and cry at any given moment. I know that it will never go away, but I would like some reprieve. If anyone has advice, please feel free to offer.
Ivy A. Harper III