why ..how..help

by natalie

my mother was narssistic ..life was painful and lonely ..i knew i would never recieve or feel love from her ..as she got older i could not desert her ..she needed true help she was getting older ..all the mind games had become oblselete for her my most siblings had closed the door on her ..i could not let and elderly lady ..my mother cope by herself ..or any elderly lady ..so i phoned every evening ..traveled over each week..made sure her shopping was done .and made sure all was in order for her ..she has cleaner comming and any help that was needed .. last october 2012 mother at now aged 84 was diagnosed with lung cancer ..more suprising she showed joy of having to be looked after 24 7 ..suprised yes ..who would joy in being ill ..they said six months ..it was 8 weeks but the last week she was alive ..to be concise three days before she passed she told me she loved me .. ..i was with her when she passed ..nothing has seem real since she died ..i seem locked in inner emotion ..night time panic attacks and feeling i need to scream it out ..maybe too bigger scream 62 years worth at once ..i so need to cry and feel cuddles to take it away ..will it ..can it ..help

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Dec 16, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

Natalie I am sorry for your loss of your mum from lung cancer. I am also sad for your loss of relationship with your mum due to her emotional health that caused you and your siblings such terrible pain that your siblings had to walk away. God Bless you for putting all your pain behind you and looking after her. You put your feelings last and put your mother first. Bless You. It is very hard when we have to endure pain and sorrow and even cruelty from those people who are supposed to nurture and love us unconditionally. You are in deep sorrow and turmoil now. I URGE you to go and see a grief counsellor or a psychologist/counsellor who will work with you. You don't just have to grieve the loss of your mum. You have to grieve a lot of losses from your upbringing that has left you with scars. I did this for myself and what a cathartic and liberating experience. Many people who don't understand will often quote the "FORGIVENESS" theme. I don't believe in this. I struggled for years with forgiveness. I didn't know who I had to forgive for what. When I went into counselling for years. It was the best investment I made. PAINFULL. But worth the work in counselling to feel FREE. I was able with the skill of a counsellor to grieve my losses that were buried deep within. When I felt the pain and the loss and cried with grief. HEALING started to take place in me and a lot of the issues I struggled with for FORGIVENESS. They just EVAPORATED. And Forgiveness was not the ISSUE. I went on to live a FREE-ER and happier life. Although I had reared my children a lot of the issues I struggled with like lack of confidence became their problems also. But I related in a more positive way that benefited the whole family. I hope that you will be able to do something for yourself now to HEAL from your pain, sorrow and grief from your loss of your mum and your loss of relationship with her that you wanted and craved for. Who knows why parents behave the way they do. They are victims of their own upbringing. You have the power to change your future for the better and to also help and support your siblings if they let you. Best wishes.

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