Why is it that when...

by Novi
(Canada)

...you are just starting to find the strength up the pieces of your shattered life and try to put them back together again, something else happens? I'm not one to ask 'why me' and I never have before. But I've been through enough now that I ask myself every night as I toss and turn unable to fall asleep, yet wishing for this nightmare to end.

Why me?

Why me?

WHY ME???

I'm a suicide survivor. I never got help for it because our healthcare is so in denial of 'mental' disease, it's pathetic. If you can't "see it", it's not real right?

Wrong.

I was only 17 when my dad killed himself. At least I'm not mad at him for it anymore. I'm still quite angry with life in general though. I'm **SSED OFF actually. I feel like I'm not allowed to recover from anything. In 2011 I watched my mom die slowly and painfully of cancer, I took care of her until she took her last breath. I decided to change my life and try to make it less painful, so I moved to another city after she passed away. In my fragile state, I met a man that I quickly fell for - never had such intense feelings for anyone before. For once I thought life was giving me that break I've needed for a very long time.

Wrong again.

Here I am now, still mourning for the loss of my mom and now my first broken heart. My mom is the one person who should still be here to help me through it. Sure I may be 32 and it's unusual to only be feeling 'love' this late in life, but I have serious abandonment and trust issues. I trusted this man, and he turned out to be a monster.

A convicted Pedophile.

I've lost 20 pounds in less than 4 weeks, and I don't know how I can even begin to recover from this last blow. I let this man near my 2 year old niece!!!! I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel SO guilty (even though nothing happened, thankfully). But what in the world is wrong with me? How can my judgement of people be so skewed? How will this reflect on me as a person if people find out I dated a horrible monster? If I believe in Angels, such as my mother, then I also have to believe that demons exist. And they are LAUGHING at me. I don't think I will ever trust anyone again. This monster took what little I had left in me.

So again, I ask. Why me, and what the hell is gonna go wrong next? I see no good in the world anymore. Hope is lost. You know that saying 'god never gives you more than you can handle'? That is the BIGGEST load of crap I have ever heard. I'm lost, broken and the pieces of my shattered life are now ground into a fine powder.


Comments for Why is it that when...

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Sep 06, 2013
Why is it...?
by: Anonymous----MI

I send my good wishes and thoughts to you for a change and turn around in your life. You have had many sad and very difficult things in your young life. There are times in ALL our lives that we question God and ask "why". This is a natural human reaction to grief and stress. But, God created the world to be perfect and then because of man's sin it became an imperfect world. What now is my job and your job is to look to Jesus Christ for His guidance and help in this journey we are on. We will have sorrow and tears but also God gives us joy and blessings along the way. We have to look for them and work as Jesus guides our thoughts, actions and words. We all have to take responsibility for our actions and choices we have made. We do make wrong decisions and that is because we are human and not perfect in our thinking. When hard times come we must strengthen our relationship even more with God. Doreen is right---God is our only answer to finding our way out of this maze and into His light and path He will lead us on. Turn your eyes to Jesus and get help in finding what He wants for your life. In all things God will make a way for those of us that love Him and choose to follow Him. May God Bless you with a new vision for your life---one that is to follow Him.

Sep 05, 2013
Why is it that when...
by: Doreen U.K.

Novi you have been hurt by life. You lost your Dad to suicide and also your mom to cancer. You don't have reason to be positive or to see any good in life because you feel life has robbed you of your parents and any love in life that comes your way and doesn't work out.
Life does really STINK a lot of the time. Many people do get a raw deal in life and wonder what is it all for. I don't blame you for the way you feel.
We all face Trials and Tribulations in life. They can make us Better people or Bitter People. We do have that choice. I was negative all my life. I saw nothing in life to be happy about. I didn't know what Positive was. I couldn't do it if I tried. then one day God turned my tragedies into triumphs and taught me POSITIVE. I went into counselling in my 40's and resolved my anger at life. Many losses that had just piled up and I couldn't sort it out. It was all tanged up and I needed someone to untangle it all. I am 65yrs. now. Lost my husband of 44yrs. 16 months ago today of cancer. But I have an inner happiness from my counselling. I got to feel how good life was for the first time approaching 50yrs. So it is never too late. When I lost my husband I was angry with God, for not saving him through Prayer. I have said to God many times. You said you wouldn't give us more than we could bear. But this is not true. I do have more than I can bear. It was then God let me see how far he has taken me. God is preparing us to meet Him when he comes back for us. He is using our trials to make us stronger and PERFECT as God would have us be living in a fallen world. We all have bitter moments. I just try and not let mine last too long. I talk with God then to help me. I hear this statement a lot. "If God gives you lemons. Make Lemonade" I told God I was fed up of making Lemonade. But now this is what I do. but I don't make it alone. God Helps me make it.
I hope you do find your purpose in life and that you reach out to God more. Because He is the only person that can help us make it in this tough life. You may also benefit from counselling. It does work if you get the right counsellor. God will put Joy in your life. It will take time. Start soon to get your life back on track. Counselling will also help build up your self esteem. This is a good starting point. I wish you all the best in life and hope you write back with an update.

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