Why is it that when...
...you are just starting to find the strength up the pieces of your shattered life and try to put them back together again, something else happens? I'm not one to ask 'why me' and I never have before. But I've been through enough now that I ask myself every night as I toss and turn unable to fall asleep, yet wishing for this nightmare to end.
I'm a suicide survivor. I never got help for it because our healthcare is so in denial of 'mental' disease, it's pathetic. If you can't "see it", it's not real right?
I was only 17 when my dad killed himself. At least I'm not mad at him for it anymore. I'm still quite angry with life in general though. I'm **SSED OFF actually. I feel like I'm not allowed to recover from anything. In 2011 I watched my mom die slowly and painfully of cancer, I took care of her until she took her last breath. I decided to change my life and try to make it less painful, so I moved to another city after she passed away. In my fragile state, I met a man that I quickly fell for - never had such intense feelings for anyone before. For once I thought life was giving me that break I've needed for a very long time.
Here I am now, still mourning for the loss of my mom and now my first broken heart. My mom is the one person who should still be here to help me through it. Sure I may be 32 and it's unusual to only be feeling 'love' this late in life, but I have serious abandonment and trust issues. I trusted this man, and he turned out to be a monster.
A convicted Pedophile.
I've lost 20 pounds in less than 4 weeks, and I don't know how I can even begin to recover from this last blow. I let this man near my 2 year old niece!!!! I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel SO guilty (even though nothing happened, thankfully). But what in the world is wrong with me? How can my judgement of people be so skewed? How will this reflect on me as a person if people find out I dated a horrible monster? If I believe in Angels, such as my mother, then I also have to believe that demons exist. And they are LAUGHING at me. I don't think I will ever trust anyone again. This monster took what little I had left in me.
So again, I ask. Why me, and what the hell is gonna go wrong next? I see no good in the world anymore. Hope is lost. You know that saying 'god never gives you more than you can handle'? That is the BIGGEST load of crap I have ever heard. I'm lost, broken and the pieces of my shattered life are now ground into a fine powder.