Why?

by Donna
(Texas)


Its 9 months today and I still find myself asking God why, why did you have to take Bryan? He was the most loving man I have ever known. I need him so much why oh why did you take my soulmate, the love of my life? Everyone keeps telling me that God has a plan for us all and that one day I will be with him again. I know that I will see him again, just not soon enough for me. I want him NOW!! I still can't seem to get my mind, heart or soul around the fact that Bryan is gone and he's not coming back. My oldest daughter made dinner tonight and we were sitting there eating and talking. She said that she wished she knew what was wrong with her sister and I said today is the 23rd its been nine months today. She said please don't do that mom, don't keep counting the days. It'll be 10 years and one month some day and if you keep counting the days and months it will be the longest ten years of your life, PLEASE STOP COUNTING. My reply was "you of all people telling me to stop, you are the one that has been telling me to not let anyone tell me how to grieve, that this is something that will take you a long time to get over if you ever get over dad's passing. She said you know dad wouldn't want you to do that. This is also the daughter that told me that if I was the one who had passed away that daddy would be taking my death alot harder than I am his, not that I am not taking it hard, but at least I am able to function, daddy wouldn't. How am I supposed to stop counting and grieving, I don't know if I will ever be able to stop. I know that I have to, I promised Bryan that I would not grieve for him forever. But how long is forever? If I die any time in the near future I will not have kept my promise to him. How do we stop asking why? I really hate this long journey, I've never had to take a journey without Bryan, how and why am I going to survive this? I really don't want to. I love my kids and my grandkids, but its not the same at all. I find myself asking what I or we did to deserve this. I know I know death is a part of life, but this part REALLY SUCKS. So I shall go as I always do, clinging to this site for dear life. one step one breath one day at a time May we all find peace Bryan I love you with all my heart and soul until we meet again.

Comments for Why?

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Apr 27, 2011
Ask Why Until You Lay It Down....
by: Dakota Blues

Donna - Your love for you husband is a beautiful testimony to read. I lost my youngest daughter 3 years ago. In many ways...grief is grief. Just a different relationship with the loved one. The painful loss we share is our common thread. Grief SUCKS. You got that right, sister!

I don't feel that 9 months is really that long to let go of the whys...or what if's - or be able to fully move on. I can't remember exactly but I think I struggled wholeheartedly with the "why" for at least 12 months. I still snatch it back - I haven't fully resolved the why or what-if's - but they have calmed down a lot in my soul.

I think I came to the point where I realized I am not going to figure out "the Why." Maybe someday in heaven it will be made clear but then will I really care after I pass through this earth?

The Whys and What-ifs take as long as they take!! I think if you read the information on this site that your grief is "normal." You clearly loved your husband. You clearly will grieve. We are called to grieve so that we may be comforted!! Blessed are those who grieve for they shall be comforted.

You are working through your grief...as we all are...and that my love is a very good thing. There is NO WAY around grief work. It is HARD work and if there were a short-cut...I would have discovered it by now. Grieve and I guess...grieve some more. I think it is a testament of how much we love!! Hugs~!


Apr 25, 2011
Why
by: Annie

When my husband and I first got married we used to count the months. First month anniversay and so on. Now I count the months for a different reason but it is okay. I know I am sounding goofy but we honor people by counting the months when they are born so why not honor them counting the months when they pass on. So I will continue to honor my husband by counting and will do so the rest of my life. I am trying to rebuild my life and dealing with the grief and loneliness and most days I am making progress. I will keep fighting to get stronger but I will keep counting. He was a huge part of my life for 31 years and I will try to "move on" like everyone wants me to but he will always be a part of me forever. I am not a expert on grieving--I am just living through it. I have so many people and family members telling me do this or don't do this and feel this way and don't feel that way, that I decided I will go through this my way. So, again, I will continue to count because that is what I want to do.

Apr 25, 2011
Why
by: Mari

Hi everyone. All I can say is that since I have never gone through this before I don't know how long it takes. Maybe I will always miss him. I look at pic of him holding a new grandchild and realize that that particular one he is holding is now grown. So many memories.
I noticed too that people look at me closely when the subject comes up as if to see how I am really doing.
Well, I am doing. That's all I can say. I have managed thus far, 15 months and truly the first year was a nightmare. So I must be making progress.
One thing that bothered me was seeing his name on mail and I had to get all of it off because it hurts my feelings to see that. It is pretty much done altho occasionally something will arrive.You can get someone's name off of things but cannot get them out of your heart. God bless you.

Apr 24, 2011
Why?
by: Mari

Hi Donna. I understand what you are going through. I still miss my my husband and although no one has asked me why all I know is that I need more time. I suppose I will always miss him. My children do not say much but my grandchildren do. My brother calls them ''my numerous descendants.''
I feel that when you lose your spouse you have lost part of yourself. At times the memories really come back. Some of them i can laugh about and other things make me sad. He was so sick at the last.
Of course this grieving sucks. I have to start praying and tell myself just to be thankful I had him in the first place. Loneliness is not fun.And I am not sure we do get over it until it actually happens. I mean I am better but miss his hugs and the things he would say. Well, we can just leave it up to God and try not to pay attention to what others say as they don't know what it is like.Thank God I am busy with the 2 jobs. But I still think about him all the time.He loved me I know. That means alot. Well, lets see where this journey takes us. Take care of yourself as we care for you.

Apr 24, 2011
We Move Forward When We're Ready
by: TrishJ

Donna~
Today was Easter. We went for brunch to the same country club we went to last year. Last year Joe was with us. It was a beautiful day, eating brunch, watching the golfers come off the green. I sat there with a lump in my throat.
It's been almost 5 months for me. I don't feel like I've made one bit of progress. I'm sitting at my computer ~ the tears come. I want to wind the clock back 12 months ~ to last Easter when Joe was still here.
I try to tell myself he is a peace. I know I will see him again. But like you, that just isn't enough for me. I read these posts and I cry most days. I cry because I know the pain I'm going through and I see everyone pour their souls out on this web site. I feel everyone's pain. It's comforting to know I'm not in this alone but I really feel for every story I read.
I pray for all of us. The pain is unbearable today. Tomorrow I'll spend the day with my daughter helping her unpack her new house and that will bring me a lot of happiness.
We have to take it one day at a time. When we are ready......we'll know it.
Blessings to you.
PJ

Apr 24, 2011
Why?
by: M Mack

Donna,

You were a beautiful couple and I bet everyone noticed. It reminds me of a car show we went to. Out of the blue as we wandered holding hands a photographer asked if he could take our picture. He said it would be for the area paper and a car magazine. We were flattered and talked about it for a week!

We share the same anniversary date, 9 months for me also. Yes, we'll never lose track of that day, nor will we lose the memory of events that day. Always thinking, remembering what was especially around that date. Don't be too hard on your daughter. She only wants what's best for you, to ease your burden and pain of your loss. After all, she lost her dad and your children are grieving in their own way.

I know we will endure as long as it takes to gain our momentum in our grief to find a place of comfort and calm. I just wish it to be soon. I don't know about you, but I'm worn out with tears and sadness. It's a part of me that's here and won't leave. Keep writing and we can keep tabs on our progress or regress?? My best to you Donna. Prayers and hugs coming your way. Take care.

Apr 24, 2011
HH
by: Mari

HH, It has been 15 months as of yesterday since my husband went to be with the Lord. And would you believe the only one who really and truly understands why I am still sad is my 13 yr old grandaughter? As far as the others go I should be over it. She asked me last night if I was getting a chocolate brown leather sofa to match ''grandpa's'' chair. Her friends refer to the chair as ''grandpa's chair.''
A person has to go through it to really understand.
I suppose we do count the months to say we have made it that far.I can honestly say I have never had so many ups and downs in my life.At any rate I am coping and working hard.
I like my job here and at the board and care home. God is seeing me through. But I sure miss that man of mine..

Apr 24, 2011
Because he said so...
by:

Donna,

Remember when our parents said because I said so! Oh how we hated that right? And we may (I did) have used that very line on our kids. Suppose God in his own way is saying that? People are born, have children of their own (if they choose)and eventually die. It is the plan and never happens when we want it to. It is what we make of each day that makes the difference.

I am trying to wean myself from saying 15 months soon to be 16. Do we do it to reassure ourselves that we have made it that far? I thought that like saying the age of a toddler when they became 1 year old I would start on the year, year and a half,two etc as far as hubby's death too.

I still miss my man but do not ask why? I know there will never be an absolute answer to that.
My mother used to say birthing is hard and dying is mean so get yourself a little loving in between.

I had that loving and now there is none. Yes the love between child and parent. That will suffice because that is what is left and We must not take that for granted. Too many parents speak of the grief of such a loss.

We must look at each day we are given as a gift and not torture being left alone. Separated from the one that we loved and depended on for so long.
Some how we will all carve out a life for ourselves. It is what they wanted and we deserve.
Happiness is out there somewhere. The trick is finding it.

I worked with someone who spoke of her (dead) husband 10 years after his death. I thought she was nuts. Now I know better, I do not want to be caught in the past forever but there is a time to let go (and move forward) but only we know when that is.
HH

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