Its 9 months today and I still find myself asking God why, why did you have to take Bryan? He was the most loving man I have ever known. I need him so much why oh why did you take my soulmate, the love of my life? Everyone keeps telling me that God has a plan for us all and that one day I will be with him again. I know that I will see him again, just not soon enough for me. I want him NOW!! I still can't seem to get my mind, heart or soul around the fact that Bryan is gone and he's not coming back. My oldest daughter made dinner tonight and we were sitting there eating and talking. She said that she wished she knew what was wrong with her sister and I said today is the 23rd its been nine months today. She said please don't do that mom, don't keep counting the days. It'll be 10 years and one month some day and if you keep counting the days and months it will be the longest ten years of your life, PLEASE STOP COUNTING. My reply was "you of all people telling me to stop, you are the one that has been telling me to not let anyone tell me how to grieve, that this is something that will take you a long time to get over if you ever get over dad's passing. She said you know dad wouldn't want you to do that. This is also the daughter that told me that if I was the one who had passed away that daddy would be taking my death alot harder than I am his, not that I am not taking it hard, but at least I am able to function, daddy wouldn't. How am I supposed to stop counting and grieving, I don't know if I will ever be able to stop. I know that I have to, I promised Bryan that I would not grieve for him forever. But how long is forever? If I die any time in the near future I will not have kept my promise to him. How do we stop asking why? I really hate this long journey, I've never had to take a journey without Bryan, how and why am I going to survive this? I really don't want to. I love my kids and my grandkids, but its not the same at all. I find myself asking what I or we did to deserve this. I know I know death is a part of life, but this part REALLY SUCKS. So I shall go as I always do, clinging to this site for dear life. one step one breath one day at a time May we all find peace Bryan I love you with all my heart and soul until we meet again.