widowhood the lonely road towards recovery

by Hope
(Tappahannock)

I am not sure why I return to this site from time to time.
Is it to check on my grief sisters that took the roller coaster ride of grief together?

Am I checking to see if this longing for that Love I once had is "Normal"?

I am not asking permission to move forward, I know that grief is the very thing that defines who I am, how it is possible to make a new life when the old life has been blown to smitherines.

I have not fallen into drinking or drugs since the death of Paul. Yet looking for? something to make me feel better I have spent money bargain shopping, traveling, concerts all to make me feel better. To fill the empty hole that is my soul. The travel is bittersweet, In awe of what I view yet asking...

Do you see this Honey? Am I looking at life though My eyes for us? Are you proud of how far I have come?

I also have gained weight eating "comfort foods" A habit that is especially hard to stop. Sugar and salt, an addiction that has become a daily routine. Like any other drug one that I know I must escape and leave behind.

I have joined the Y.M.C.A and it is true, it does give you natural endorphines. The trick is just getting started and sticking with it. The truth is I did it for my son. His moodiness was driving me insane and I thought it would help him, in the end it helps us both.

This is a confession of a widow who survived the main turmoil of grief but feels almost is post tramatic stress will be with me for some time. It is something that I fight every day. Memories from the past do not assail me as often but they do come to me from time to time.

They say what does not kill you will make you stronger.
I am stronger, more wise, and more understanding of people having gone through the best and the worst that makes life.
Always...one step one breath at a time.
HH

Comments for widowhood the lonely road towards recovery

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Aug 20, 2012
I Can Identify with You
by: Maddi

I read your latest post, and can identify with you. I am learning how to live life by myself since my husband's passing last December (2011). He suffered from a rare form of Lymphoma, and it was hard to see him weak when he was so strong throughout our 42 years of marriage. I am spending this time just trying to adjust to life on my own and finding out that some things that I always depended on him to do, I now have to figure out a way to do. We had no children together, but my 2 step-sons have been some comfort even though they live over 90 miles away and have lives of their own. My "support" group is located over 800 miles away in Phoenix, where we lived for 27 years, and they are not getting any younger. I think that you are doing a wonderful job of keeping yourself together--I can only pray for you and myself that it will get better with time. God Bless You.

Aug 13, 2012
Widowhood
by: Robin

Hope,
I am so glad I read your post tonight and that you,yourself keep coming back. I find this site very helpful along with my grief support group. We do not wish this horrible pain on anyone else, but there is no way to understand unless you're going through it.I lost my Stevie, my one true gift in life,a year ago. It's like the greatest part of me is gone. I cry everyday,but sometimes, the tears don't fall as hard. Is this our progress? I'd like to think so.We now love in separation.We cherish our wonderful memories.
There is not any wrong or right way to grieve or any time frame we must follow.Take one day at a time,take care of yourself. Your true love would want that for you. All my best!

Aug 13, 2012
For Hope
by: Lauri

I just lost my husband Tony of 30 years on August 7, 2012 from a rare type of cancer. This is so fresh to me and the tears keep flowing. We have 3 grown children and 1 granddaughter (1 1/2) that he adored. I do know from the loss of my mother that it will take time but I took care of him in our house til the end. It's going to be tough.

Aug 10, 2012
for Hope
by: Mari

I am so glad you posted. You know Hope, that we both are in the third year of our losss and believe me I understand what you feel.
I too have not taken up drinking or anything else but just continued to go on with my life. I can tell you that I still miss my husband. I often say things to my grandchildren such as,''Do you think your grandpa would like my Chevy? Or'' Remember how Grandpa liked the sherbet with the 3 flavors?''
How wonderful that you joined the YMCA.Things like that are helpful indeed.
I work a lot and my job is rewarding indeed. I take care of persons who are developmentally disabled. We work as a team and discuss everything and to say the job is rewarding is an understatement.I get paid and also feel that I am doing something worthwhile. I have my granddaughter and the little great with me and life is so much more pleasant for me.
But I still miss my sweetheart and guess I always will. He was so much a part of me and my life. Today my granddaughter asked me if I remembered hiding sweets in the spare chest of drawers and Grandpa would get a hold of them.I got so I put things in there he liked. We laughed about this. There is sorrow and joy. Because I did have him in my life I am thankful for that. Take care and keep posting.

Aug 10, 2012
Still sisters on the road
by: Judy

Hope,

It is so wonderful to hear from you on this site because we are plodding along at the same place. I understand exactly what you are saying because I am feeling the same way. Perhaps this is the "normal" of where we are in widowhood.

I also am looking for something to make me happy but I am clueless as to what it is. I have tried faith, redecorating, losing myself in books, movies and tv, throwing myself into the planning to move to CA when I retire, even a new man for a while but nothing makes me happy or removes my wish for what is missing, my Bear.

Sometimes I want to scream. Life is just boring to me. I understand that no one is going to make me happy from the outside but how do you get happy on the inside?

I admire you for going to the YMCA, as I should because it is easy to convince yourself that a liitle treat won't hurt and of course it does. I feel like most of my self discipline has left and I am floating around on a tether that isn't attached to anything. Directionless, aimless.

I guess this just is another stage of grief, hanging around to fool us when we think we are better. In reality we are not in raw pain anymore but we are not quite healed either. I guess we hang on, one step one breath at a time.


JM



Aug 10, 2012
On the Road with You
by: Judith in California

OH Hope, you are not alone. I too, still do things in hopes for his approval. Everyday I say "Oh Chuck" when something reminds me of him and what we would have been doing when he was well. And like you, I think the PTSD is still an issue. My therapist , who I see monthly, says I'm making progeess by going out and doing things even going on a date but I fail miserably because my heart still belongs to Chuck. I don't know how others move on and marry .
You seem to get it that this widowhood life is not a short journey. Each day is begunn with the intentions of doing something new or planned with activities uch as shopping or exercising but by days end I've maybe done one of those things. The 14th will be 23 months for me and while I have moved forward each day there is still the empty feeling that is just always there. I re-decorate and wish he were here to see it and say how nice it looks. He always liked what I did. I still can't eat alone at the dining room table and rarely cook. And the weight has become a concern as well even tho I don't eat a lot. I guess it's the Coffee Bean drinks on the weekends at the mall with a few ladies I met.
Anyway Hope we move along and yet we are still tied to our past lives because that was our true identity being their wives and loving them all those years. I wonder how we will feel another six months or a year on this journey. Is there really ever a complete recovery?
Thanks for sharing your journey so far. Please keep in touch. judith.giglio@sbcglobal.net


Aug 10, 2012
Widowhood
by: M Mack

Hope,

Those of us who have lost the love of our life have a common bond. We understand the symptoms of post traumatic stress because we live it. We are more sensitive and caring of others who have traveled this path because we know their pain well. It's always nice to hear from the ones who where there when I was new to grief.

I also return here from time to time and wonder how the women who supported me over 2 years ago are doing. Do they feel like me when they see a happy couple? Shy to stare but keep looking to see if they display affection towards one another, hold hands, meet each others eyes with knowing love? I hate this journey without my love beside me. We talked about everything, we loved each other and were best friends. That's what I miss the most, my comfort zone with him and I.

We all are moving forward cause life goes on. I check back to see if others that were here for me are progressing, and those just getting started dealing with their loss. I pray for the ones that need it, the ones suffering in need of help.

And so if I eat more banana splits, work out once a week, cry when I see others in love, that's me! I'm just trying to make the day and cope. Keep up the good work. Glad to know you are here from time to time. My best as our paths continue the road to recovery.


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