Will I ever be a mother?
by Heavy Hearted
(San Diego, CA)
I'm so grateful for the site where I can pour my honest heartbreak out.
3 years ago I fell madly in love with a truly wonderful man. He was everything I was looking for and more. We moved in together after 4 months and lived together for a year. We were a little family...him, me and our dog. We shared our lives in every way...a total integration of two lives.
After a year, I started to ask him about marriage. I am 33 and he is 36. We are both successful and have accomplished a lot- travel, education, etc. More than anything in the entire world, I want to be married and have a family. I consider it a true honor and the only way I will completely fufilled as a woman.
Well, my boyfriend is from another culture and he was raised in a house where marriage wasn't encouraged. In fact, it was discouraged. So, he doesn't know if he believes in marriage and certainly believes it will fail in time. He's just very cynical. This difference in philosophy and desire made us start to fight. Ultimately, he said he didn't forsee marrying me anytime soon, and I knew I had to walk away. So, I did...I moved out and started over. It was the hardest, most painful time of my life.
After many months, I started dating another guy. This time, I had known him for years and knew how much he wanted to be married and have kids. In fact, he wanted this more than ANYTHING. He's in his early forties, and was really ready. We started dating and things moved very quickly. He was thrilled to have finally found, "the one" and I was thrilled to have found a wonderful man who wanted the same future as I did. So, we started taking pre-marital classes, and even booked our wedding for this fall (put a deposit down on a venue.)
About a month ago, he tells me that he's wanting to focus on, "us" not the wedding and wants to slow down a bit. Ok. I was traveling for most of last month for work. Well, upon returning from my trip, he meets me and says that he doesn't love me enough to marry me, in fact, he's not in love with me at all. That he thought I was the love of his life, but now he doubts it. And just like that, it's over. Period. He doesn't want to work on things, can't give me any answers, etc. We went from plannning our lives together to not even speaking.
Our friends are shocked. His family is devestated, and mine is mad. I am reeling. I just don't understand how someone can change their feelings like switching on and off a switch. Of course, he mustn't have...but, I don't understand why he didn't tell me, why he just quit and didn't want to work on things,and how he can go from daily contact to absolute silence.
After losing the love of my life a few years ago over not wanting the same life, then to losing my partner for no reason that I can understand, I'm starting to really doubt that I'll end up married and with a family of my own.
I look around and see so many people living the normal life that I long for. I am a good catch with a lot to offer, and yet, I can't find a husband to share my life with. Even worse, I'll be 34 in a few months and know that my chances for a healthy pregnancy will decrease every year.
I feel so incredibly sad, scared, and hopeless. I have a lot of great support from my family, friends, and church, but still, the pain is real. I am lonely in a place that no one can touch.
Thanks for letting me vent...