Will I ever be a mother?

by Heavy Hearted
(San Diego, CA)

I'm so grateful for the site where I can pour my honest heartbreak out.

3 years ago I fell madly in love with a truly wonderful man. He was everything I was looking for and more. We moved in together after 4 months and lived together for a year. We were a little family...him, me and our dog. We shared our lives in every way...a total integration of two lives.

After a year, I started to ask him about marriage. I am 33 and he is 36. We are both successful and have accomplished a lot- travel, education, etc. More than anything in the entire world, I want to be married and have a family. I consider it a true honor and the only way I will completely fufilled as a woman.

Well, my boyfriend is from another culture and he was raised in a house where marriage wasn't encouraged. In fact, it was discouraged. So, he doesn't know if he believes in marriage and certainly believes it will fail in time. He's just very cynical. This difference in philosophy and desire made us start to fight. Ultimately, he said he didn't forsee marrying me anytime soon, and I knew I had to walk away. So, I did...I moved out and started over. It was the hardest, most painful time of my life.

After many months, I started dating another guy. This time, I had known him for years and knew how much he wanted to be married and have kids. In fact, he wanted this more than ANYTHING. He's in his early forties, and was really ready. We started dating and things moved very quickly. He was thrilled to have finally found, "the one" and I was thrilled to have found a wonderful man who wanted the same future as I did. So, we started taking pre-marital classes, and even booked our wedding for this fall (put a deposit down on a venue.)

About a month ago, he tells me that he's wanting to focus on, "us" not the wedding and wants to slow down a bit. Ok. I was traveling for most of last month for work. Well, upon returning from my trip, he meets me and says that he doesn't love me enough to marry me, in fact, he's not in love with me at all. That he thought I was the love of his life, but now he doubts it. And just like that, it's over. Period. He doesn't want to work on things, can't give me any answers, etc. We went from plannning our lives together to not even speaking.

Our friends are shocked. His family is devestated, and mine is mad. I am reeling. I just don't understand how someone can change their feelings like switching on and off a switch. Of course, he mustn't have...but, I don't understand why he didn't tell me, why he just quit and didn't want to work on things,and how he can go from daily contact to absolute silence.

After losing the love of my life a few years ago over not wanting the same life, then to losing my partner for no reason that I can understand, I'm starting to really doubt that I'll end up married and with a family of my own.

I look around and see so many people living the normal life that I long for. I am a good catch with a lot to offer, and yet, I can't find a husband to share my life with. Even worse, I'll be 34 in a few months and know that my chances for a healthy pregnancy will decrease every year.

I feel so incredibly sad, scared, and hopeless. I have a lot of great support from my family, friends, and church, but still, the pain is real. I am lonely in a place that no one can touch.

Thanks for letting me vent...

Comments for Will I ever be a mother?

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Sep 05, 2012
Stay Positive
by: Anonymous

I don't know how long ago this post was written (I couldn't see a date anywhere) so I may be talking to myself, but I'm going to reply anyway. I have gone through a very similar thing recently, and have been feeling exactly the same as you are now. The thing that we both need to do is to curb our longing for that 'perfect' life. When you focus too much on the fantasy, the reality will never measure up and this will affect your life much more than you realise. As hard as it may be, and as dumb as it sounds, you just need to focus on the present, enjoy every day for what it is, and you WILL end up where you want to be. Dreaming about the future and trying to hurry things along will only pile on the pressure and strain your relationship, even if you don't realise it at the time. That's where I went wrong, and that is why I lost the only man I have ever truly loved. Like you, it was seemingly overnight, and a total shock to everyone. One day I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he was going to marry me and spend his life with me, the next... Over. Just like that. I know I will meet someone else eventually, and when I do I'll make damn sure that I concentrate on the good, appreciate what I have, and not worry about what I'm lacking. It's true what they say- there is nothing more attractive than a strong, together woman who is happy, positive and confident in herself. Every time you start to worry or doubt yourself and your life, do something. Something creative. Something to distract you and occupy your mind. Anything.

This may sound cliché but it's true, and I remind myself of it every day:

'Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder'

Aug 18, 2012
the start
by: shez

Geoff I think alot of women wish they had found you :)
My story is this:At 23 years old I met a guy in a hotel I had never really dated anyone but when I seen Karl I feel madly in-love within the hour (sounds crazy) . We hit it off and for the first time in my life i felt amazing having a handsome man by my side . We had spent three nights together and I was sad when he left my house as I had never had the connection with anyone else. He had to work the next day and I passed him my number and off he went.A month passed and no phone call or anything , I even asked if he was alive because I felt there was so much their between us, little did I know my periods were late and when I attended the doctors he told me the news . I was pregnant I was beside myself i wanted to be a mum sooo bad I longed to hold my baby in my arms. The only problem was the father was no where to be seen . I knew his name and a few of his friends but I didn't know how to contact him at all . I felt ashamed , unloved , hurt and emotionally trying to keep myself together for my child. I was 23 years old living with my parents working full time and telling them was probably the hardest thing ever

Aug 18, 2012
by: shez

.But they were by my side and nothing else mattered . So the day I finally work up the courage to go for my ultrasound my best friend and mum come along for support I was 10 weeks pregnant and I had been told I had two uteruses (which was a huge shock) after the ultrasound finishes I walk out and cry , more for my child and the fact that I have just found out I have two uteruses.When I finish all my crying I head to the supermarket with my Mum and my best friend hoping to take my mind off my situation and I walk in one aisle and low and behold there Karl is with his heaverly pregnant girlfriend who I realise I went to school with. If it can't get any worst I storm out and burst into tears, how could he do this I was beside myself but I tried to keep strong for my baby but I just felt like dieing.By now all of our town knows I am pregnant and he is the father (small town) by then his girlfriend found out and I received a call from my friend Erica asking me if she can pass his girlfriend my number. I was upset but agreed and when she called me I was holding my breath but she never raised her voice once and said she will help in anyway she could (I found out they already had two children) together . I reached my 17 week mark and loved being pregnant apart from the morning sickness day and night I was glowing. It wasn't until my 18th week i was walking to the shops when all of a sudden my waters broke (this happened in our main street) I was rushed to hospital and told my baby will die no matter what as I lost too much water. I have never said so many swear words in my life , I have never felt so empty. My daugter survived another 3 weeks and I went into labour for 36 hours and she lived for one hour. The only people that got me through was my parents , without them I would not be here today.Six years on I am in a stable relationship with a fantastic guy who I love to pieces , own my own house and I am still trying to be a Mummy although it hasn't happened again and we can't wait for it happen and I will just let nature take it course. If it is mean't to be it will be xxx

May 06, 2012
i feel the same
by: Anonymous

I read your story and i can say that i completely understand how you feel.
I am 36 this year...i am in a relationship with a sweet man...however he is in no hurry to do anything serious....
i am not that fussed about the whole marraige thing but i do want a child...he however already has two from previous relationships...
He had his first at 19 and feels that he was cornered into the situation and his feelings weren't considered....
There is no way i would ever want to replay this shitty situation for him ...however...why is it i feel that by playing nice i will miss out...

i look around me and all my friends and colleagues are married and having children...and im the last one out....and every year that passes that voice in my head that says your'e going to miss out ... gets louder and louder...

the irony of the whole situation is that i work with children...i have worked in all aspects of childcare from new borns to what i do know as a high school teacher...
i am great with kids...and everyone has always said i'll make a great mum....
I'm beginning to think that this will never happen...this makes me sad to my very core....
its taken me so long to admit that i wanted a baby and now that i have come to grips with this want...it looks like i wont be able to ....

I can't even be the aunty as my sister and my best friend are never having children...

Mar 15, 2012
Similar feelings
by: Geoffrey Campbell

I understand, I have longed to have a wife, to be a Father, even if it was a prepackaged family. I prayed every day for this. I fall in love easily, and when they leave, the world falls out from under my feet. I have worked with children, even as a full time nanny, and it is the most rewarding and most wonderful work, you love them as though they were your own. But oh to have a wife that needed someone to hold her hand on long walks, that gave and needed daily hugs. I understand, I really do, and it hurts every day, every moment.

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