will it ever be almost normal again?? jody
(phoenix az usa)
I met Ken 7 years ago and knew I would end up with him...it took him 5 months to ask me out, but I knew the minute I saw him that we would be together and waited patiently for him to see it too. He had gotten out of the hospital that previous June barely escaping death with severe kidney failure... end stage renal failure... I didn't even know it when I first saw him but he did share it with me before we started dating.
I chose him...and his kidney failure...We got him promptly on the transplant list and even I was tested for compatibility...No such luck. The next 5 years were spent going to dialysis 3 days a week (he worked a full time job also) and then spending the days after dialysis in leg cramps, vomiting, chills, headaches etc. we were living together since he didn't want to get married until after the transplant..that way if "something happened" he wouldn't leave me strapped financially.
This year 2011, he would have come to the top of the transplant list, so he started getting all the required tests to be eligible when the kidney came available. He past with flying colors and he was so proud of that. Then one night in january of 2010 he was out delivering papers.. (a part time job he had taken when the company he had worked for went bankrupt.) He never returned home the next morning. I called his cell phone repeatedly knowing something was definately wrong. He was so dependable you could set your watch by him. Eventually, after contacting hospitals, police departments, and even sending my son out to retrace his route, someone answered his cell phone and I knew right then.
I said who is this and the man on the other line started asking me questions. It was the medical examiners office. I don't remember much after that except being in total disbelief. It turns out that around 4 am he stopped at the gas station he always went in every night, started to get coffee (from the video tape), went into the bathroom and was found in the bathroom of speedway at 10 am. Someone needed to use the restroom and they broke the door down and he was on the floor already gone..
Now here is my problem... I was ready for kidney failure if it be, but I was NOT ready for heart failure, especially since he had just been given a cardiac cath test for the transplant and everything turned out good... The other problem I'm having is the way he died alone and was by himself for so long unnoticed.. I cannot get that image out of my head and it has been 1 year and 1 month... I don't sleep very much, and it's still very hard to keep a job because I never know if I am going to break into tears or physically make it to work.
I have moved across country to be by my sister and her husband who have been godsends. I understand each and every feeling that you all talk about here and have been there once or twice already. It just seems like my heart will not stop hurting and i will never get past this.
I am finally angry but I don't know why or at who. The only good thing that has come from this is my faith in god has gotten stronger mainly because I truly believe he gives us a special connection with the one we lost through signs and other people..So many unbelievable things have happened that I'm just sure that Ken is behind! I have read many grief books and am looking into counseling but basically I'm just... tired.
Any help, advice or just comforting words for me? Thanks for listening...I think I need that most by people who understand and have been there too.