will it ever be almost normal again?? jody

by jody
(phoenix az usa)

I met Ken 7 years ago and knew I would end up with him...it took him 5 months to ask me out, but I knew the minute I saw him that we would be together and waited patiently for him to see it too. He had gotten out of the hospital that previous June barely escaping death with severe kidney failure... end stage renal failure... I didn't even know it when I first saw him but he did share it with me before we started dating.

I chose him...and his kidney failure...We got him promptly on the transplant list and even I was tested for compatibility...No such luck. The next 5 years were spent going to dialysis 3 days a week (he worked a full time job also) and then spending the days after dialysis in leg cramps, vomiting, chills, headaches etc. we were living together since he didn't want to get married until after the transplant..that way if "something happened" he wouldn't leave me strapped financially.

This year 2011, he would have come to the top of the transplant list, so he started getting all the required tests to be eligible when the kidney came available. He past with flying colors and he was so proud of that. Then one night in january of 2010 he was out delivering papers.. (a part time job he had taken when the company he had worked for went bankrupt.) He never returned home the next morning. I called his cell phone repeatedly knowing something was definately wrong. He was so dependable you could set your watch by him. Eventually, after contacting hospitals, police departments, and even sending my son out to retrace his route, someone answered his cell phone and I knew right then.

I said who is this and the man on the other line started asking me questions. It was the medical examiners office. I don't remember much after that except being in total disbelief. It turns out that around 4 am he stopped at the gas station he always went in every night, started to get coffee (from the video tape), went into the bathroom and was found in the bathroom of speedway at 10 am. Someone needed to use the restroom and they broke the door down and he was on the floor already gone..

Now here is my problem... I was ready for kidney failure if it be, but I was NOT ready for heart failure, especially since he had just been given a cardiac cath test for the transplant and everything turned out good... The other problem I'm having is the way he died alone and was by himself for so long unnoticed.. I cannot get that image out of my head and it has been 1 year and 1 month... I don't sleep very much, and it's still very hard to keep a job because I never know if I am going to break into tears or physically make it to work.

I have moved across country to be by my sister and her husband who have been godsends. I understand each and every feeling that you all talk about here and have been there once or twice already. It just seems like my heart will not stop hurting and i will never get past this.

I am finally angry but I don't know why or at who. The only good thing that has come from this is my faith in god has gotten stronger mainly because I truly believe he gives us a special connection with the one we lost through signs and other people..So many unbelievable things have happened that I'm just sure that Ken is behind! I have read many grief books and am looking into counseling but basically I'm just... tired.

Any help, advice or just comforting words for me? Thanks for listening...I think I need that most by people who understand and have been there too.

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Feb 21, 2011
It will get better...
by: Brianna

I too have lost somebdy ...my son....he was 10yrs old passed june 5th 2010 and its been 9 months and next month is his birthday...all i can say is its different for each of us but GOD is really the person to help you through this and also writing in a journal when you start thinking will help as well. I know i need to practice what i preach here but its been very hard and there are ppl out there to help you through this and starting with people that are in your situation or going thru it or have been through it will help. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to or something e mail me at briannebell@yahoo.com and we can talk. God bless you sweetie.

Feb 21, 2011
Heart Failure......Kidney Failure
by: TrishJ

Jody~Let me first express to you how sorry I am for your loss. My husband Joe died on December 3, 2010 while waiting for a heart transplant. I know all about the cardiac catheterizations....the renal resting....the liver biopsies....the psychological testing. My husband also passed with flying colors. He was placed on the UNOS list on May 25, 2010. We were so excited that day. Our hope for transplant wasn't meant to be. Joe's death certificate reads "Mutiple Organ Failure." Same here....I knew about the heart failure but during his last hospitalization at the University of Chicago his kidney and liver function was 100%. So how could he have died three weeks later from multiple organ failure? I still haven't gone to discuss his autopsy results with the doctors. They wanted me to make an appointment last week and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I have a lot of questions and anger too. I'm not angry at the doctors, I'm not angry at God, I know I did everything possible. But I'm angry.

I miss my husband every day and often wonder why other patients got their transplants and Joe didn't. Not that I begrudge them their success and happy ending but why not us?

It's an emotional roller coaster ride knowing your loved one is so ill but there might be a bright light at the end of the very long tunnel. Nobody understands until they have been through it. It's bittersweet knowing what would have to happen for your loved one to receive that much needed organ.

All we can do is live our lives the best we can. The pain will never go away ~ we just learn to deal with it the best we can. God's blessing to you.

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