Will the lonliness ever go Away?

by Eunice Cox

I lost my husband, my bestfriend, my confidant..my snugglebunny. Jess was the most loving, devoted and caring husband. We had met in 2004, married in 2006 and he passed away on November 21st, 2010. Where I had 2 failed marriages before meeting him, I thought all men were drunks, violent and abusive. Jess had 1 failed marriage, because of an accident that left him with an above knee amputation and loss of use of his arm on same side, she left because she couldn't deal with "half a man".

Leaving him to think that because he was in a wheelchair that no woman could accept him. He couldn't be more wrong. That amazing smile of his could win any real woman over. I looked past his disability and saw the real man. He showed me a way of life I'd never known before, even as a child, he didn't drink period, was never violent nor abusive. I miss him so much.

Somehow, now knowing that in spite of it all, he is finally free of the pain he suffered with for 2 yrs. Of all things, he got hep C, which by the time the doctors in the ER in Jacksonville,FL said after all their extensive tests had all but totally destroyed his liver, all because in 1985 they didn't scan for hep C.

He was sent to Shands in Gainesville for a transplant evaluation. That turned out to be a joke, a joke I still feel angry about, because, the very last surgeon said he'd need to come out of that wheelchair and be mobile before they'd consider him. How could they actually make such a judgement call. Since when aren't people in wheelchairs worthy of getting a transplant? I remember that on driver's license and such they asked if you wanted to be a organ donor, well after that episode, no more for me. One of my kids or immediate family ever needed a transplant I'd do it. But after the way they treated my husband, I'm not able to become an organ donor and let a team of people play god and not give everyone a chance. I would like to scream at them.

Rest in peace my love. You're in my heart and soul.

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Feb 04, 2011
by: Zoe

I wish I had an answer for you. But I do not. Everything around us reminds us of what we have lost. It is not just the "stuff' it is the sounds, the movements down the hall, the cursing in the shed as he hammered this thumb yet again. Those moments when you just watch them, and remember why you fell in love in the first place. How does that get replaced, everything now is an echo.

I don't know, I wish I did. Just know that you are not alone, we are here and we will listen whenever you need us to.

remember one breath, one step one day at a time.

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