Will trust this is the right thing to do....

by Beth

I am very leery of putting this all down in writing. It's like this grief I carry is a giant wave, over my head and if I really let it all out the wave is going to crash down. So I might have to keep this brief for my own sake. Hope you all understand.

In May 2005, my oldest son, 15 yrs old, became a burn survivor. His right leg was burned so badly it had to be rebuilt. He spent his 16th birthday in the burn unit, enduring so much pain & suffering physically & emotionally. We had never ever spent a night apart and the burn unit didn't allow people to stay over night since he wasn't a little kid. Hellos were happy, goodbyes were sad. I still grieve over that injury. He's going to be 20 soon and still isn't really the same emotionally. Once he got out of the burn unit he came home to finish recovering which I threw myself into. A couple weeks later, my husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore, he had been cheating online the whole time I was at the hospital taking care of our son.

In November 2006, the divorce finalized. He made it such an ugly divorce. There wasn't anything I could do or say, he just wanted out. I thought I had to be a Christian so I skipped a few steps in the grieving process over losing my husband. Just because he's still walking this earth doesn't mean I don't have grief over that marriage ending.

In November 2007, a year to the date the divorce finalized, my brother died suddenly. We were so close, a year apart in age. I could always go to him. Can't really get too much into it, didn't really get to grieve for him, there was too much to do being a single mom.

In April 2008, my mother died suddenly. My brother lived with my parents, never left them. Guess she wanted to be with him. Again, I can't really get too much into it this either, same reason as my brother.

That leaves my Dad, who entered the Hospice program July 2008. I am his caregiver along with the help of Hospice people. He is declining. I know he misses them so much, I just don't know what to say; there hasn't been time to grieve, I know I need to. I just can't. If I do, everyone and everything I have to be responsible for will fall apart.

So, lots of things happened in a compressed time period and I know I haven't done the right thing by just pushing forward thru each event. I think the worst part of this is the feeling I get at night, alone. It's such a big "No one will ever know how empty, lonely, etc etc I feel" thought. I am open to any advice, insight, or just plain comfort anyone can give.

There, I did it. It's been written.


Comments for Will trust this is the right thing to do....

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Apr 28, 2009
There Are No Shortcuts
by: B. Smith

There are no shortcuts to the 7 steps of grief. It's true that it's different for everyone and every situation. You've made a very good first step by putting it down in writing. I'm proud that you did it because it let a little of the "grief" out. Keep writing and breathe deeply as though you are releasing those emotions that are bottled up inside. Talk to your God and tell him how mad you are that you lost your brother, your mom and your marriage, and how alone you feel at night. He will listen and in ways that you may not know, He will open doors to help you through. This web site is one of those doors.

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