With You my Son

by Angie
(Nebraska)

My beautiful son, Logan

My beautiful son, Logan

With you I felt that I could be myself
That I never had to pretend
Losing you was the worst kind of pain
And, I know that it will never end

Your smile was as bright as the sun
And, your hugs were warm as toast
Your silly ways and beautiful laugh
These things I will miss the most

I knew you were a special child
We connected in so many ways
I feel like I'm broken, and my heart is empty
It's hard to survive these days

You were so young and I am so sorry
That I couldn't help you through this
I tried everything a mother could try
Did I fail somewhere, was there something I missed

You used to tell me you weren't afraid
That death was nothing to be scared of
I knew then that I wouldn't have you forever
I couldn't keep you here my love

I read books now and search for answers
Answers I will never find
I don't want to accept the finality
I can't get you out of my mind

People say one day at a time
But to me it is hour by hour
I see reminders of you everywhere
In every cloud and every flower

I look for you in every sound
Around every corner and in every room
I wish you would let me know you're ok
And comfort me from this feeling of doom

Depression doesn't recognize tomorrow
It doesn’t reach beyond the inner self
Even though you knew you were loved
It gripped you so tight that it didn't help

I would have given my life to save you
What more could I have said or done
I can't bear to live my life without you
I feel so abandoned, and completely undone

There is no greater pain a mother can feel
To lose a child to suicide
You were only thirteen and had not yet lived
I pray you've found peace on the other side.

All I can do is write to you now
And talk to you as if you were here
But although it helps and gives me comfort
The sadness eventually reappears

I don't know where you are right now
I wish that you would have stayed
But, even though you choose to leave
My love for you will never fade

Comments for With You my Son

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Aug 03, 2015
So beautiful
by: Anonymous

Your poem is so beautiful and it could have been written by me for my son. My son too left us in February 2014 aged 15 in the same way. I miss him so much as he was so wonderful to be with. He was exactly as you describe your beautiful son.

Aug 10, 2012
So very sorry
by: Judi, Canada

Angie, What a lovely son you had and I'm so sorry for your loss. Your poem tells my story and it's such a sad story. My lovely son, Christopher, was 21 when he took his life on November 20, 2011. Depression is a cruel and vicious master. I fought this terrible disease with him for 6 years, but nothing I did could help him. He suffered so much. No matter how much he was loved, he just never believed that he was worthy. He had a small, but loving family, many loving friends, even parents of his friends, so many people who thought the world of him. And yet, he did not love himself. We will never know why, never understand, never stop grieving. He was larger than life, he filled our home with warmth and fun and frustration - he was the child of my heart. He has been gone now for 263 days. I wish I had magic words for us both but I don't. I am just a mom, like you, who once had a dream and lost it to a terminal mental illness. It was not our fault, it was not our sons' fault, it was a disease. Be strong, carry his memory, protect his spirit, and love him forever. It's all that is left to us. I send you love and support and understanding. I really do know just how you feel.

Mar 23, 2012
i"m sorry.
by: Karen ,Australia

Hi Angie,Your son Logan has such a beautiful smile i am so sorry for your loss,i to lost my son Josh aged 14.He passed on August 17th 2011 and the pain doesnt get any better i think of my son every day.I miss and love him so much and wish i could hold and kiss him just once more time.It wasnt the same way your son left you.There isnt anything i can say that will help you i to feel sad and angry and cry every day.I know exactly how you feel.Karenx

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