Without my Bear, two years

by Judy
(Rockledge, FL)

My Barry has been gone two years on November 27, 2011. I never thought I could make it this far but here I am. A testimony to the strength and power of the human spirit.

I've tried to post two other times about this milestone and both times something has happened to stop me. Maybe I am not over it yet and just think I am.

Mari asked if anyone felt weird like they were a different person. My answer is yes. I am a very different person than I was and in a fundamental way closer to the person I always was inside. By that I mean there's no one but me now and I make all the decisions and take all the responsibility if it's a bad decision. I do whatever I want, go where ever I want and answer to no one but myself. This is empowering and liberating and at the same time lonely. But the loneliness is better than it was and is lessening as I step more fully into the stream of life.

I am still here in Florida and have resigned myself to this for the next few years until/if the economy rights itself. I have made tentative steps into letting another man into my life. It's nice but find I don't need it as much as I thought. I'm going be be a grandmother next year and this is very exciting to me, another role to take on and another dimension in my relationship with my daughter.

So much of my recovery can be credited to this site and to the wonderful caring people here, Hope, Mari, Patricia, Trish, Judith in California, Yvonne, Zoe whose words of encouragement and understanding have carried me through.

So we go on, one breath one day at a time.


Comments for Without my Bear, two years

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Dec 04, 2011
Two years
by: Mary Mack


I have to say you are a role model for a two year survivor. You've made good choices, planning your life and taking charge finding you. The very person who left with Barry is back and with even better survivor skills. Be proud of yourself for everything you've accomplished. You deserve to be happy and Barry is along side of you every step of the way.

You were one of the first blogs I read when I found this site early on when my loved passed away. Oh how I cried and felt each and every word as though they were mine. This site has helped me understand myself, my feeling of loss and knowing I'm not the only one who cried to a song on the radio. I not the only one who hugs his shirt reads his cards over and over again. It's normal and yet, we keep working to find strength and comfort. I still have some very bad days but I know, in the end there will be light. You are an Inspiration. Thank you for sharing your journey and God bless.

Dec 03, 2011
This new life we now lead...


You just said what I tried and failed to say to Trish. My 2nd year anniversary of Paul's death is approaching much faster than I am comfortable with. Dec.6th 2011. I have taken the day off not knowing if I will have a melt down. For the most part the people here who have taken the journey at or about the same time, were the ones that got me through this insanity.

I have not been on this site with is unusual. Normally it is a daily dose of sanity. reading others grief brought so many memories back that I have desperately been trying to eradicate from my mind. Oh the memories will always be there and I will never forget the Love or the Death of the man that made me...Me.

I struggle with this new life and try to embrace this new independence that you spoke of. I think for the most part I will always Love and Miss Paul. Yet I know that there is another life out there waiting for me to live. In the beginning we felt that a part of us died with them, I guess that is true but another part was born and that is what keeps us going, searching for the life that we were meant to live.

My best to you on this and all the days that will be the life you were meant to live, each day with passion knowing how short it can be.

Dec 03, 2011
One Year Today.....
by: TrishJ

Today is the one year anniversary of Joe's passing. I cried for two hours and now I feel like I'm doing OK. I have no desire to move forward. I give you credit. You're making it.
Today I look back and it feels like ten years I've lived through in the last year. Other days I feel like it just happened yesterday.
I miss him but I realize that I can't live in the past any longer. I have to start living for my future. As of today. I gather such strength from all of the wonderful ladies who have been so supportive. I have nobody in my life who has lost their spouse. I went to a store today and saw all the couples hand in hand Christmas shopping. It hurt but it wasn't that stabbing pain that actually made me leave the store last year. I don't have any many nights crying myself to sleep anymore. That only seems to happen around those special days. I know he's watching over me and would want me to be happy.
I hope you continue to do well Judy. You deserve to be happy.
Hugs and happiness.

Dec 03, 2011
Two Year Mark
by: Judith in California

Judy, on day one we thought we died too and a bit of us did, that part of us as a couple. We prayed for them to return and knew deep down they could not nor would we truly want them to have to suffer anymore. Look how far a lot of us have come. We are enjoying our choices, feeling more confident and not so much desperate for another relationship. Those are good feelings. We can talk about our loves with out crying tho' we still hold them deep in our hearts forever.
I'm so glad you are at a peaceful place.

Dec 03, 2011
by: Arm in arm

I too have survived based alot upon this site
In a time you feel yourself going into a unknown darkness
I know I can come here and know I'm arm in arm with someone like you Judy even in you own pain you will nOt let me go
Know that I always have an arm offered to all here who need me
You are not alone
One step one breath one day at a time

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