Words will never be enough:

by Saira
(Puerto Rico)

I still trust in you with my life.

I still trust in you with my life.

It has been about a week since my best male friend died. He was killed in a car accident on his way home from work due to a drunk driver. To say that I have no words to describe the pain I feel for his death is an understatement, seeing I can barely say a word without bursting to tears. Ricky, a 22 year old gym trainer and cashier at a local supermarket, was (probably) the best person I have ever met in my life. I did not realize this after his death; I let him know everytime I could about how much I loved him, how much I cared for him and how much I enjoyed being with him. Ricky was a complete optimist; his trademark being a beaming smile and his sweet voice. He would always try to make the best out of every bad situation, a joke out of a serious issue and make me laugh from his silly jokes. His devotion and care for both his mother and father was amazing. He loved them dearly (and was their only child) and would always find a way to give them whatever they needed. He had called me once, practically jumping from joy because he had been able to buy a new stove for his mother. He was so proud that he could finally afford to take care of his mom...also, he was incredibly close to his father. They did everything together; they would team up to play billiards in every bar, he would help his father sale fruits and vegetables out on the road, they would work anywhere as long as they were together. When they said goodbye, Ricky and his dad would hug tightly for a few seconds, kiss once on his cheek for his blessing, hug for a few more seconds, then kiss a second time on the other cheek to say "I love you".
The day of Ricky's death, I went with two of my best friends to visit his mother, who lived alone with Ricky, to give her our condolences and our grief. I kept crying the whole way, but her faith was so strong that even in between sobs, she managed to say: "Don't cry. He's better now...he loved you so much, don't cry...he's happier now...".
Somehow, I keep replaying the image of his broken body in the midst of the accident, even when I did not actually see it until the funeral. I did not want to go inside, but his mother said to me in a very strong voice "Go. He's waiting for you." After going inside, I recall the way my fingers trembled and ached to touch him, to trace his face, his injuries, his mouth...and again, to only think I'll never see his smile again just breaks me apart. He did not deserve to go this way...
Ricky, my friend, my brother, my protector and always my guardian, was gone from this world and had left me in it. I still cannot believe this is happening. I have yet to erase his cellphone number and last messages...
It is my first time going through this painful departure, and frankly, the pain is unbearable. You have to learn how to live with his abscence and to cope with a new life that will not have this great soul that filled your days with happines in it. In my case, I even have to drive on a daily basis through the road in which he lost his life, where the remains of his car still lay there.
There were promises I made to Ricky, plans, trips and dreams that I will never get to fill out; smiles, laughs and cries I will never get to share with him; I will get to have a family that will never know of his greatness; the mere thought of all this just kills me.
The only way I find peace in all this chaos is that, along with Ricky's best friend and family, we get to share how incredible our friend was; how much of a gentleman was born out of him, thanks to his wonderful parents; how every heart he touched he mended; how every dark room he lit with his mere presence.
Meanwhile, I am in the middle of a dark road trying to find comfort in God, my family and friends. I'm sure sometime later in life I will learn from this, if I ever get to be older. I am kept alive by God's words, by my friend's and family's presence during this pain, and by his memory. I still talk to him as if he were there, and judging by how he was in life, so caring and protective over his "little sister", I never doubt he will always be right there, just a whisper away.
Ricky, I promise you will never be forgotten. Your angel wings were just far too wide for this world. Wherever you are, I deeply and honestly hope you found peace.
With love,

Comments for Words will never be enough:

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Aug 24, 2012
So sorry for the pain your feeling but I understand it
by: Anonymous

Sai, I understand every single word you have written, sometimes I don't think there are words created to truly explain the pain, that pain that your feeling and how enormous and sad and lonely tht pain is. If I lived to be a million years old, I would never ever comprehend that type of pain because I am feeling it too and that is why I understand so well. They say "time heals" I understand what that means and to a degree but I will never ever be free of this pain. This pain physically hurts as well as emotionally. I don't know how to ease this pain and if anyone reading this can tell me how I can ease this pain, then I am listening. My heart is breaking a little more each day and I believe that I won't last much longer and that will be because my heart is going to say to me "enough I can't take anymore" take care my friend. I will include you in my prayers.


Aug 24, 2012
Words will never be enough:
by: Doreen U.K.

Saira I am sorry for your loss of your beloved Ricky in a tragic accident. What a loss of such a young man who had a whole life yet to live. Life is so very cruel. Families are robbed of loved ones in epidemic proportions it feels as if the world has gone mad with DEATH. The earth seems to be swallowing up and claiming our loved ones at an alarming rate. We have to love who we have left whilst we have time since everyone is leaving us so fast. It is only on a site like this that you get to realize the enormity of LOSS of loved ones. The whole atmosphere of our world changes. We are never the same again. It feels as if life has stopped. Yet the world is still revolving and life goes on but without the one's we love and who made a difference to our world. I am glad that you have supportive family and friends and that you of God and how He can and will HEAL your soul from this tragic loss.

Aug 23, 2012
loss of a friend
by: Terri

Hi Sai,We never really know how much we will miss friends/loved ones til it happens, and you're right, there are NO words, no thoughts, no amount of other peoples sympathies that will bring back your friend Ricky.I'v been told the best way to honor our lost loves/friends is to remember all the good and bad times with a smile. I know that's hard, your loss is to recent for any of this to make sense, but I promise, in time, it will. I lost my husband the day after Christmas 2011, and things haven't been the same since. Ricky knows you love him, and he's there with you all thetime. When you think of him, that's him sending his positive energy toward you. T night, when you go to sleep, ask the spirits to send you a guide,your angel, it may take time, but when you sleep, yoo're more receptive to your guide. Right now your hurting horribly, but it does become more bareable. I won't lie to you, it's gonna take some time. I wish you well Sai. Smile for Ricky, it's what he would want. Our loved ones don't want us to be sad for them, you'll see him again.


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