Words will never be enough:
I still trust in you with my life.
It has been about a week since my best male friend died. He was killed in a car accident on his way home from work due to a drunk driver. To say that I have no words to describe the pain I feel for his death is an understatement, seeing I can barely say a word without bursting to tears. Ricky, a 22 year old gym trainer and cashier at a local supermarket, was (probably) the best person I have ever met in my life. I did not realize this after his death; I let him know everytime I could about how much I loved him, how much I cared for him and how much I enjoyed being with him. Ricky was a complete optimist; his trademark being a beaming smile and his sweet voice. He would always try to make the best out of every bad situation, a joke out of a serious issue and make me laugh from his silly jokes. His devotion and care for both his mother and father was amazing. He loved them dearly (and was their only child) and would always find a way to give them whatever they needed. He had called me once, practically jumping from joy because he had been able to buy a new stove for his mother. He was so proud that he could finally afford to take care of his mom...also, he was incredibly close to his father. They did everything together; they would team up to play billiards in every bar, he would help his father sale fruits and vegetables out on the road, they would work anywhere as long as they were together. When they said goodbye, Ricky and his dad would hug tightly for a few seconds, kiss once on his cheek for his blessing, hug for a few more seconds, then kiss a second time on the other cheek to say "I love you".
The day of Ricky's death, I went with two of my best friends to visit his mother, who lived alone with Ricky, to give her our condolences and our grief. I kept crying the whole way, but her faith was so strong that even in between sobs, she managed to say: "Don't cry. He's better now...he loved you so much, don't cry...he's happier now...".
Somehow, I keep replaying the image of his broken body in the midst of the accident, even when I did not actually see it until the funeral. I did not want to go inside, but his mother said to me in a very strong voice "Go. He's waiting for you." After going inside, I recall the way my fingers trembled and ached to touch him, to trace his face, his injuries, his mouth...and again, to only think I'll never see his smile again just breaks me apart. He did not deserve to go this way...
Ricky, my friend, my brother, my protector and always my guardian, was gone from this world and had left me in it. I still cannot believe this is happening. I have yet to erase his cellphone number and last messages...
It is my first time going through this painful departure, and frankly, the pain is unbearable. You have to learn how to live with his abscence and to cope with a new life that will not have this great soul that filled your days with happines in it. In my case, I even have to drive on a daily basis through the road in which he lost his life, where the remains of his car still lay there.
There were promises I made to Ricky, plans, trips and dreams that I will never get to fill out; smiles, laughs and cries I will never get to share with him; I will get to have a family that will never know of his greatness; the mere thought of all this just kills me.
The only way I find peace in all this chaos is that, along with Ricky's best friend and family, we get to share how incredible our friend was; how much of a gentleman was born out of him, thanks to his wonderful parents; how every heart he touched he mended; how every dark room he lit with his mere presence.
Meanwhile, I am in the middle of a dark road trying to find comfort in God, my family and friends. I'm sure sometime later in life I will learn from this, if I ever get to be older. I am kept alive by God's words, by my friend's and family's presence during this pain, and by his memory. I still talk to him as if he were there, and judging by how he was in life, so caring and protective over his "little sister", I never doubt he will always be right there, just a whisper away.
Ricky, I promise you will never be forgotten. Your angel wings were just far too wide for this world. Wherever you are, I deeply and honestly hope you found peace.