Words!! Words!!! Words!!!

by Liz Carthy

Excerpt "Whispers from Heaven" Beginning pain, when my pain was doing the writing.

Words! Words! Words! Where are you when I need you? Other times you seem to flow so easy. Where are you when I need to explain this very deep pain inside? Why do you fail me when I need you the most? You leave me with terrible words that sound so mean and nasty, and full of sadness, and anger. Lots of anger I have anger for losing a wonderful little boy who did not deserve to die and to die in such a terrible way.

All I can think about is yelling my brains out and punching out walls, and screaming, and screaming, and screaming. However, that will not do me any good because all the screaming, in the world will not bring Ryan back. *amn it, *amn it, *amn it. Words! Words! Words! What *amn good are you? No good. There has to be another way to describe this PAIN. What other words are there. . I am in this place deep inside myself where no one can come and no one wants to come I am sure. No visitors here. Who would want to come visit me there? I have no friends here just all this pain and me.
I wish I could give voice to the pain. Moreover, if I did make a sound, what would it sound like? I am scared of the sound it would make. It would make deep animal sounds! It would make wailing sounds like a wounded animal that was mortally wounded and about to die! I can hear the sound in my head and it sounds so sad. It sounds too sad to listen to. That place inside of me I am very much afraid of it. I am afraid of it because I am afraid I will not come back from that place and I am more afraid that maybe I will not want to come back.
Words! Words! Words! Where are you when I need you? Like most things, you fall very short when I need you the most. Words could never do my pain justice because they haven not come up with the right one yet.
There are no words. There is just pain.

Comments for Words!! Words!!! Words!!!

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Oct 22, 2013
Words!! Words!! Words!!
by: Doreen UK

Liz I am sorry for your loss of your beloved Ryan. Your PAIN is EXPLODING inside you and cannot find expression in WORDS. There are NO WORDS to express your PAIN and how you feel. Words would do no Justice to your loss so you feel so lost and tired with it all. Life has lost its meaning and you don't know how to Live anymore without Ryan. Your soul is torn in two and you need someone to come and put you back together again. I once felt like this. I let this pain erode my whole world because I didn't know how to deal with it. How I got through life I don't know. But one day It was all too much and I reached beyond breaking point and took myself off to therapy in a very desperate state and let God and the skill of a therapist put me back together, and give me back my life. I felt like a wounded animal at that point that if someone had put a bullet in me I wouldn't have felt it for all the pain exploding inside of me. But God and this therapist gave me back my life in ways I didn't think was possible. All that PAIN locked up for over 40yrs. EVAPORATED and that depression of 40yrs. ended within 4yrs. Take yourself off to see a therapist and let them carry the load for you whilst you deal with the pain. Then if you don't know God. PRAY like you have never done before till God hears you and comes to your aid. Even if you are angry with God still reach out to HIM. God can accept our anger and still Heal us from our Pain and loss. God is our Comforter and our HOPE. I can feel your pain like I felt all those years ago and I know how bad it is. It is as if you can't bear it anymore and Words fail you at this time. Words feel empty and have no value or meaning to truly express how you feel. Also keep a journal and write out all your feelings and Scream in your words till the pain comes out. Let God in and Let God heal you. Take ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Oct 18, 2013
Your words
by: Anonymous

Your words speak volumes of what all of us feel inside. But what words can be uttered to even attempt to explain the loss of a child. I lost my Ryan too. The words are stuck in my head and my heart - in my very soul. To unleash them would be the beginning of the end from where there is no coming back. So inside they stay and we try to get through one day at a time - choking on the very words that fail us. God Bless You.

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