Wrong decision!

by Carolina
(Queens,ny)

My mother had hypertension,high cholesterol and mild Alzheimer's disease. She was 79 years old and my best friend in the world! She was a kind and gentle woman but had a lot of pride and didn't like to ask for help. We had lost my father 30 years ago to lung cancer and she raised me on her own with many struggles. She pushed me to finish my career in the medical field. She had been complaining of shortness of breath for the past year and I took her for EKG,stress test,chest X-ray and the doctor said she had mild plaque in her coronary ateries but nothing that needed intervention but keep taking medications. She loved to travel, had blood test September showing cholesterol 258,which was high and I told her to take her medication with her on her trip. She would go away for two months and I believe she wasn't taking her meds regularly. We were supposed to go for check up but I kept getting caught up in my own life. I'm married with 6year old child. She was active always walking her little dog. She lived downstairs from me and I always cooked for her, took her out shopping. I noticed she would get tired a lot and did not want to walk for long periods because she would complain of low back pain since she had really bad arthritis. She was losing weight and said she wasn't too hungry lately and she began to repeat things a lot. She thought the dog wasn't eating but the dog was really fat. I didn't realize her memory getting worse. I always saw her as a strong women and myself as her little girl. She was a very loving mother. She kept asking me to help her clean her place and I was always so busy with my own life that I was very selfish and feel I could've been there more for her. My siblings live out of state and haven't visited her in years. I was her only caretaker and I failed her! One day she decided to clean and moved some light furniture and I came home and found her curled up in the bed and she said she did not feel well that she had eaten lots of chocolate and been cleaning and then felt abdominal pain,chest pain and nausea. I asked her to go to hospital and at first she said yes but then she went to throw up and said she felt better that she probably pulled a muscle moving stuff and that's why she had chest pain. I took her bp was 120/82 and pulse58. I listened to her heart and it sounded normal. I stayed with her that night and kept debating about going to hospital and she said she was better and to let her sleep. I believe that was my fatal decision. She never showed shortness of breath. Sunday she woke up and said she was a little better and to go buy her hair dye cuz she always dyed her roots every couple of weeks. Monday she seemed okay but slower paced. Tuesday went food shopping for her and brought her all her favorite foods. Wednesday I was going to work and as always,I went down to see her and asked if she was okay and she told me to give her her stomach meds cuz that what she had been taking last few days thinking it was only gastritis and arthritis and not that she was actually dying before my eyes. I came that night,May 8'2013 to find her dead in her shower stall. It seems she had taken shower closed the water then sat down and died that morning. I wanted to die myself when I found her cuz I should've taken her to the hospital on Saturday and probably saved her life but my stupidity cost my mother her life. Her doctor told me she was stage 2heart failure and at risk for cardiac arrhythmia at any time and that there was no way to prevent what happened. I hate myself and feel I cheated her out of more time. I go to church and cemetery everyday begging her for forgiveness. I never for a minute thought she had heart attack on Saturday. I thought she had gastritis I never imagined my beautiful mother would be dead because of my fatal decision. I miss her so much and life without her is very empty. I will never forgive myself! I know i have to be strong for my 6 year old little girl but it is very hard. God bless my mother and I know she is In heaven because she was a very religious woman. I will always love her!

Comments for Wrong decision!

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Jun 02, 2013
Wrong decision!
by: Carolina

Dear Shawna,
You can't blame yourself because you did not live with her. You didn't know that one day that you didn't call her would be your last chance to speak with her. I too am in medical field and I blame myself everyday for not seeing the signs of a heart attack! My mom also had early vascular dementia and was becoming forgetful these last few months. She forgot to eat but would over feed her dog and then say the dog was not hungry but the dog was becoming so fat. She drove me nuts. She always complained of chest and back pain and feeling nausea. But the one day she was really sick, I failed to recognize the signs. Her doctor tells me that because she had a heart attack years ago and had not been keeping low fat diet or taking her cholesterol meds that she was a risk for sudden heart attack at any time. I don't believe it. I feel I should've made her take her meds everyday. I lived right upstairs. I should've been taking better care if her and got caught up in my own selfish life. Now I have to look at her empty apartment everyday and remind myself of selfish I had been all these months and how that one day I should've taker her to hospital. That day she was feeling ill and I asked her to go to hospital and the first time she said yeas and I should've run but then she vomited and I said oh good she is just having indigestion. How could've I been so blind not to see that she was probably having heart attack. She was not short of breath so in my mind I thought it was her gastritis. Later on, i asked her again and said she felt better and didnt want to go to hospital. Biggest mistake of my life!! Now I have to live with that guilt. The fact that I may have been able to save my mom makes me sick to my stomach and I want to rip my heart out! Why didn't God let me see what was going on. I feel like I turned a blind eye. Like a traitor to my own mother and all these years I had been such a good daughter to her. It's not fair! God bless you and may you find the peace that I too search for and may we one day see our beautiful mothers in heaven again!

May 28, 2013
I feel the very same way!!
by: Shawna

I just lost my mother a week and a half ago to sudden cardiac arrest and knowing that I put off calling her the night she died has just traumatized me! I can't begin to sit here and tell you I spent everyday with her or talked to her everyday like everyone else because the truth is I didn't! She was in the beginning stages of vascular dementia and she ruminated over the same issues when I did talk to her. I resolved to call her once a week and how could I have limited myself to that? How could I ever look at it being a "chore" to call my Mom and listen to her repeat herself over and over about the same things? It shouldn't have mattered and when I talked to her on the phone, it didn't....I let her talk and I listened. But it wasn't enough!! I had resolved to visit her twice a month as she didn't live that far from me and I did not get the chance to even begin! I am a nurse and I couldn't take care of her because I was always so busy and she was always so stubborn..I should have insisted. I should have called the day of her death when I told myself to, but decided to put it off for another day. I am so ashamed of my actions and I just can't get it off my mind! Everyone is talking how their mom's have died of cancer (she was actually a breast cancer survivor and her healthy attitude made her beat it!) and I keep thinking that would have allowed me to tell her how much I loved her instead of her suddenly passing and I didn't get to tell her nearly enough!! I believe in God and I know she did too, although she wasn't religious and I worry if she made into heaven....silly, I know, but I can't help it! I have never felt such enormous grief and hollowness in my life! I am in utter shock! She could have had another 5-10 years (she was 78) if she had just taken her pills, if I'd just been a little more active in taking her to the doctors, if she'd had stayed in California (where she didn't want to be) and stayed thin and healthy thanks to my sister. I let her do what she wanted and live how she wanted cause she suffered so much in all other areas of her life and now I realize too late that was such a mistake! I only pray she forgives me for letting her down! I don't know how to move forward! I am totally lost!

May 28, 2013
Also wrong Decision last May 30, 2012
by: Carlos Angelito

I should have also save the life of my mother last May 20. Sanitarium an Adventist hospital, usually asked me to confine my mother during the past years every time a bring her there. But when I bring her home and take her to the clinic of her personal doctor, the doctor usually deny the advice of Sanitarium. IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO CONFINE MAMA, as her doctor said. We had been use to that many times and nothing fatal happen to her except a change of maintenance tablets and a blood pressure monitor for my mom. But last year, May 20, 2012 she had a mild stroke. Again sanitarium told me to confine her asking me to pay 60 thousand pesos per week for her stay. You know how much that cost in our standard of living. And besides my mother is talking clearly. My biggest mistake is to bring her back home and prepare her for her clinic doctor the next day May 21. But my greatest remorse occur on that day. I realized that I had made a big mistake. I should have brought her that night in another hospital or I should let her stay in sanitarium. Never mine the cost of the bill to pay.Half of her body was paralyzed. She also have a heart enlargement which is congenital. Doctors who attend to her thought that she will make it. Only she will be crippled or lame. At the 4th day of our stay in the hospital I invited a Pastor from Jesus Reign Ministry. My mother have a clear mind during that time. They prayed the Prayer of acceptance and I can see my mother's lips moving and following the pastor by heart. May 30 at 2:30 AM her blood pressure get lower and lower until she finally slept for good. I lost my only ally in life. I lost the person who cared for me so much. who did not leave me to my evil father alone but accompany me even we are both suffering with my father's sadistic attitude toward us. She could have married again and leave me. But she sacrifice her own happiness for me. Now she is gone and I am alone fighting the battle in this crazy world. I know my mother is also in heaven. And I know God is a fair God. We will see our love ones again and we cannot compare the pain in this world to the unimaginable comfort and happiness God has prepared us after this life in his Kingdom. May the Lord of Hope and Compassion comfort your heart from pain and bereavement for the lost of your mother. Amen

May 27, 2013
Wrong decision!
by: Doreen U.K.

Carolina I am sorry for your loss of your mom to a sudden death. It must have been such a shock to find your mother like this. I got to the hospital too late to find my mother laid out. I fell to pieces. I could feel guilty for planning to visit and not being able to due to other problems that took my attention. But I choose to remember the week I spent with her the year before. My mother had 6 children and I was the one who looked after everyone. Please remember that we do have so many commitments and we also have our limitations. WE can also OVERDO our care and not give our loved one's their space. I am in the same position. I have 3 Adult children. I make no demands on them. I know their schedules and my mother was the same. She made no demands on her children in her latter years. She had become considerate. My mother ignored warning signs of heart attack. She didn't want to bother anyone and so the pains she had damaged her heart and she could have lived beyond her 77yrs when she died 10yrs. ago. I am in the same position. I have hardening of the arteries. I have heart problems. I could also die suddenly. The doctors stuff up my medication and can't get it right so I am not protected. I have to do this myself. I tell you this so that you can see that even the doctors get it wrong. There is no guarantee if you took your mother to the hospital that she would have lived longer. Doctors make so many mistakes all the time. I had chest pains and my doctor told me to go straight to the hospital. I was put in a high dependency unit. Waited for over an hour and a doctor appeared and told me to go home I was suffering with migraine. WE have a healthcare system that is failing us and breaking down due to lack of resources. I am not getting the treatment I need. So many people can say the same thing. It is normal to want our mother's to live longer. But remember your mother lived to a good age. I lost my husband 1yr. ago to cancer he was 65yrs. I wanted him to live longer and enjoy retirement. This is normal. I get to think of other's who are younger and die. So I learn to understand this. You are not being selfish. Making decisions every day is part of life and none of us always make the right decisions. I am sure my husband wishes he didn't accept Chemotherapy as it left him very ill with a poor quality of life for 3yrs. He died a slow painful death. I fought hard for him and often frustrated because nurses had to finish a 3hr. clinic before they could come out and give my husband an injection for the cancer pain. My story is too long to tell. But I hope you will now lose your guilt. Often when there are no answers we just have to accept things the way they happen.

May 26, 2013
To Wrong Decision
by: Anonymous

I read your post about your Mom passing on to heaven. I want to say to you---this is my belief and my faith in God is speaking here---We live not a minute more or a minute less than God allows. When we are born we are given a number of days to live on this earth as determined by God. What we are doing or have done will not matter; when God calls our name to die it will be so. Please try to be kinder to yourself; your Mom knew you were a good daughter and she would not want you to grieve so. My heart breaks for my loss of my dear husband and for your loss as well.

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