(Queens, ny, usa)
My mom died 3 months ago from a sudden cardiac arrest. She was 79 years old and my best friend. She felt ill a few days before her death. She had complained of stomach pain, chest and back pain and nausea. No shortness of breath. Then she vomited so I thought it was her stomach and not thinking maybe she was having the beginnings of a heart attack. Then five days later I found her dead! I wanted to die with her. I am so angry at God for not making me see that she was so ill and maybe if I had taken her to the hospital those few days before she would be alive today! I hate myself and can't live with the guilt that I didn't take her to the hospital and that it is my fault she is dead! If it was'nt for my 7 year old daughter needing me to be her mother, I would kill myself because the pain of not having my mom is unbearable! I cry everyday and wake up hating myself everyday. Maybe if had not been so lazy, I would've forced her to go to the hospital just in case to have her checked out and I didn't bother! How can I ever forgive myself for that! She was old and I should've ran with her to the hospital but I never thought she was that sick. She always complained of the same ailments many times during the last year and had a stress test a year and half ago and it was okay but she didn't take her cholesterol meds too much and didn't watch her diet I either. I blame myself for that too because I should've really told her how dangerous cholesterol was and I didn't and I think she was getting too old to realize it! She had mild vascular dementia and would sometimes forget some things but not all the time. She was active. She loved to walk the little dog everyday and dint seem so ill to die so suddenly. That 's why I can't understand what happened and why God was so cruel to take her from me with no warning! I never really got to say goodbye and now it is too late! I am seeing a therapist to help me find some closure to my pain and loss but don't think it's working because the only way I will feel better is to have my mom back and no one can do that for me! I am so lost without her. I am married too and my husband has been very supportive but now feels I should move on after 3 months and start living again as a wife and mother. I am trying but my heart is crushed and I am just waking up because I know I have to watch my daughter. People tell me to be strong for her but I am in so much emotional pain that is very hard! My mom lived downstairs from me and I look into her empty rooms and it kills me! I don't want to live without her! How can I ever feel alive again? How can I live without my mom? I don't know where to start! I feel if I begin to live my life that it is not fair to my mom because she is no longer here and I am a traitor to go on without her! But then I think of my little girl and feel so sad because it would not be fair for her to grow up without a mother! I am I lost! Please pray for me to find my way!