Wrong decision!

by Carolina
(Queens, ny, usa)

My mom died 3 months ago from a sudden cardiac arrest. She was 79 years old and my best friend. She felt ill a few days before her death. She had complained of stomach pain, chest and back pain and nausea. No shortness of breath. Then she vomited so I thought it was her stomach and not thinking maybe she was having the beginnings of a heart attack. Then five days later I found her dead! I wanted to die with her. I am so angry at God for not making me see that she was so ill and maybe if I had taken her to the hospital those few days before she would be alive today! I hate myself and can't live with the guilt that I didn't take her to the hospital and that it is my fault she is dead! If it was'nt for my 7 year old daughter needing me to be her mother, I would kill myself because the pain of not having my mom is unbearable! I cry everyday and wake up hating myself everyday. Maybe if had not been so lazy, I would've forced her to go to the hospital just in case to have her checked out and I didn't bother! How can I ever forgive myself for that! She was old and I should've ran with her to the hospital but I never thought she was that sick. She always complained of the same ailments many times during the last year and had a stress test a year and half ago and it was okay but she didn't take her cholesterol meds too much and didn't watch her diet I either. I blame myself for that too because I should've really told her how dangerous cholesterol was and I didn't and I think she was getting too old to realize it! She had mild vascular dementia and would sometimes forget some things but not all the time. She was active. She loved to walk the little dog everyday and dint seem so ill to die so suddenly. That 's why I can't understand what happened and why God was so cruel to take her from me with no warning! I never really got to say goodbye and now it is too late! I am seeing a therapist to help me find some closure to my pain and loss but don't think it's working because the only way I will feel better is to have my mom back and no one can do that for me! I am so lost without her. I am married too and my husband has been very supportive but now feels I should move on after 3 months and start living again as a wife and mother. I am trying but my heart is crushed and I am just waking up because I know I have to watch my daughter. People tell me to be strong for her but I am in so much emotional pain that is very hard! My mom lived downstairs from me and I look into her empty rooms and it kills me! I don't want to live without her! How can I ever feel alive again? How can I live without my mom? I don't know where to start! I feel if I begin to live my life that it is not fair to my mom because she is no longer here and I am a traitor to go on without her! But then I think of my little girl and feel so sad because it would not be fair for her to grow up without a mother! I am I lost! Please pray for me to find my way!

Comments for Wrong decision!

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Oct 05, 2014
by: cantyecse

I just lost my Mom 4 days ago to massive heart attack. I too keep questioning myself. She complained of shortness of breath but was fine when she rose the next AM. I thought she was just having allergy issues as she has had in the past. Four hours later she died. Drs say it was quick and a peaceful death. I'm glad it was peaceful and she didn't have to go back to the hospital, but feel that maybe I should have taken her complaint more seriously. She had a strong heart and wasn't on heart meds. I truly miss her and am devastated. I've been her caregiver for 5 years and she has been in the hospital 3 times for UTIs which seem to have weakened her body. She got through neurosurgery and then 6 mo later just passes away.
I too must go on to guide my child. I have warned him that I'm okay but every now and then I'm going to cry for no reason and just let me do it. I pray for you and myself.


ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Aug 17, 2013
Wrong decision
by: Kelly

I am sitting in your exact shoes. I could have written this post. It is awful and trying to 'learn to live life without her" is unreal and devastating. Maybe we can find some comfort in knowing another person feels the same.

Aug 16, 2013
Missing my mother too
by: Debbie

I'm so sorry for your loss. It truly does hurt so bad. I miss my mother so much too. She died Jan. 17 2013 after a head injury/stroke on Jan. 1 2013. I'm having a hard time with my grief too and I question if I could have done things differently. I feel like my mother is still with me at times and this keeps me from losing my mind. I pray you can find some way to help you deal with the pain.

Aug 11, 2013
I'm sorry
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry to read about your mother. I lost my father in January, to Sudden Cardiac Arrest, and he died in the hospital. I have struggled with the guilt as well. All the "what if" questions and scenarios. Keep the faith and know that your mother passed peacefully. I hope you find comfort here as you begin the healing process.

Aug 11, 2013
Wrong decision!
by: Doreen U.K.

Carolina I am sorry for your loss of your mom. When I lost my husband of 44yrs. 15 months ago from cancer I was angry with God because I prayed for healing and it didn't come. Being angry is part of grief. When I look back it is God who carried me through my life and now my grief. It is God who is cushioning the pain so I feel it in small doses. I am happy God allowed my husband to live to 65yrs. He could have died sooner. I am of an age where I won't have to survive years as a widow, because restructuring my life now is not easy. God only gives us threescore and ten years which is 70. Anything above this is a blessing. What you are feeling is normal for grief. A therapist will help you if you work with him/her to help you get to the point where the pain is not unbearable and you can get through the days and months ahead.
Your husband is probably telling you to get over your loss of your mom because he hates seeing you in so much sorrow and pain. But no one can get through grief to a timetable. I find that changing my FOCUS helps. I make every effort to change my thought life. I FOCUS on other things that made life good and precious. I know in reality my husband is never coming back and this is what hurts. I then structure my day so that I do something of value every day. I increase this when I need to. I don't become too busy so I avoid grief. I balance this out with feeling what I need to and coping with it with the help of God.
You need to realise that your guilt is part of the panic of your loss. I was like a desperate woman trying to hold onto her husband and sending out requests for Prayer for Healing all over the world. When I saw my husband draw his last breath I went numb. Grief is hard and heavy. WE wish it could be over quickly but it takes its time. Don't waste your time beating yourself up about what you should have done to save your mom. Think of all the things you did do throughout her life to help make her life better. My mother died 10yrs. ago. She was worried about pains in her chest and seeing angels days before she died. She talked so loud but no one really heard her cries or her concerns. Most people know when they are going to die. My husband looked as if he was sleeping because he was drugged up. But he put his arm around my neck and pulled me down to himself but couldn't talk. I said "Steve what are you doing". He had such strength in that pull. Later I realised this was him saying "Good bye" and "I love you". It hurts to remember this. But I could never say Good bye. I know I will see him when Jesus comes back. This is my HOPE. God has his timetable for each one of us. So sometimes a wrong decision to us is a Right Decision to God. He can prevent us doing anything to save a loved one. God makes the ultimate Decision. I HOPE you find Peace and Comfort in your sorrow and loss.

Aug 10, 2013
I understand.
by: Anonymous

My dad died suddenly in February of this year.
He also died of sudden cardic arrest but he was in the
hospital when he died. I feel exactly the same
way you do-and I have alot of guilt too. what if he got there sooner? Why could
they not save him? My dad was only 71. He was
in fantastic shape so it was a very sudden loss.
My dad also had stomach pains, was sick to his
stomach etc... None of the drs knew what was wrong
So when his heart just stopped it was terrible.
They brought him back but he was put in life support.
His heart stopped 4 more times over the course
of the next 48 hrs. His organs started to fail and
we took him off life support.
I feel your pain. It's terrible, overwhelming sense
of sadness. You are not alone.

Aug 10, 2013
wrong decision-to Carolina
by: Anonymous-Mi

Carolina, I am sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. I lost my husband of 43 years 8 months ago to SCA. I did not get to say goodbye, hold his hand, kiss him and hug him; he was just suddenly taken from my life and that of my grown children and grchildren. In this life, we do what we are physically and mentally able to do for our loved ones. We do what we think is best at the time. Hindsight is always 100% correct and totally useless. I have great faith and trust in God and His decision to take our loved ones away is in His great plan. I am deep in grief and missing my husband and I do not understand God's timing or what He decides for us but I do know that He makes no mistakes. Your Mother, as my husband and all of us, are given a time to die and no matter what had been done or not done we will leave this earth when God calls our name. You must try to turn your eyes on Jesus and lean on Him for strength and help on this journey of sorrow you (and I) are now traveling. Try to realize that you are human and we do not have a crystal ball to see the future. Only God knows this. You must look at your husband and daughter and family and know that they need you now---your Mom is now in the joy of heaven. I know it is very hard to look beyond our tears to others but this is what we must do for our sanity and for the sake of our families. You must try to be good to yourself and face tomorrow following God and may we all find comfort in His love for us.

Aug 10, 2013
praying for you
by: Anonymous

I am praying for you! Please continue to see your therapist. Think what you would say to you daughter in order to help her through this difficult time and perhaps that may help you to know what your mother would say to you if she could.

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