WTF

by shannon celeste
(nashville tn)

i am 20 years old. i just lost my beautiful funny confident worldly talkative sophisticated crazy wonderful mama 2 days after christmas of 2010.i was 19, mama was 43. breast cancer was the thing that took her. 4 years of a mastectomy, chemo, health, radiation, health, cancer spreading, first to her bones, her liver, then her brain. in the final months, her writing deteriorated, her speech slowed and got confused a little, she needed help walking, getting up, bathing. i was there, for all of it i had her.
it has been a year and some days. it has been one day. in this year, i have lost everything. my mama and i lived in a beautiful home that she made for the two of us, we watched project runway and friends and all our favorite shows together, cooked yummy munchies, did each other's nails, i would tuck her in at night. before she got really sick, we'd go to parties together, see movies, have dinner. she was mama to my friends, boyfriends, she was everyone's best friend. but i was the lucky one. i was special. &&that made me special to everyone else too.
in this year, i've been arrested 3 times, first possession, then dui, then finally a few weeks ago, schedule 1 with intent to resale. &&i lost 2 cars 3 phones not to mention my home, &&am just hoping now that my college advisor will help me figure out my financial situation so that i can stay in school. but i'm not a bad girl. i'm a lost girl.
in this year, i've been homeless. i've been hungry. i've been robbed. i've stolen, from stores, for food, for necessities, sometimes for wants. i've been uninvited to our family christmas. i've been on drugs. i've stayed drunk. i've broken down. i've been raped. i've been used. i've used others. my mom would not be proud of any of this. that's not her daughter. that's not me. i've lost myself.
i have family, i have friends. i live right now with my mom's sister, her best friend, my aunt who has always been a huge part of my life, way before mama ever got sick. but my aunt has a life already. she has a 16 year old son, an 8 year old son, a husband, a house, a day-to-day that has never included me until now. now she doesn't know what to do with me. no one does. i don't.
the word that comes to mind over &&over is hopeless. but the thing is, my core, everything about me, everyone i come into contact with, i'm the eternal optimist. i have a sunny outlook on life, and my own life. but i have nothing. i'm sad. i'm angry. i'm so angry that no one else understands, that my cousin sits and gets everything he wants not to mention his mama's undying affection just like i'm used to. but i have to scrape change to buy contact solution for my eyes. that my best friend just called literally having a breakdown over a dXXXXXbag who stood her up tonight. they have no idea. they don't know what it's like to live in a NIGHTMARE.
above all these quasi-materialistic things that have so far made up my "life"- never needing to worry about money, or anything adult, because I'm a little girl, i just want my mama back. i want to cuddle up with her soft body, i want to make her coffee, i want to hear that crazy contagious laugh that made so many people fall in love with her, i need her. i need her hugs and kisses. i need my number one fan. i need the only person in my life i ever cared to please. &&i don't know what to do now. it's been a year &&some days, and the fog is just beginning to lift, or maybe it's only separating some. i don't want this life. i want my old one back, i'd do anything for it. i want normalcy, or what was normal to me. i want my mama. i'm crying &&screaming and i don't know how to ever get better.
shannon celeste daughter of connie dial