Xavier & Xander

by Nicole
(Maine)

My brothers... we were triplets, and it seems so strange to say that, yet be alone. In every picture, in every story, I'm alone. You both died before we were born, and yet, we had lived our whole lives together until that point.
Alexander... Xander, as I call you... I think we knew from the start that you weren't going to survive until birth. I remember your passing, just weeks into Mom's pregnancy, and how incredibly peaceful it was. There wasn't any pain or sadness, just peace and calmness. That doesn't mean I don't still miss you, of course not, but just knowing that you didn't hurt, and that you were okay with it all makes it so much easier to handle, I think. I always knew you were happy, so there was nothing to be afraid of.
Xavier... Xavy, your little nickname from me... we were together the longest, of course. And your death was totally unexpected, at least on my end, and I think yours as well. I remember how much pain you were in, and then the moment you died... I remember that horrible pain in my chest, which still comes back when I think of you. We were BOTH supposed to survive. I'll never understand your death... there was no peace, nothing like Xander's. It was just scary, and I've never been able to shake that feeling. But, ultimately, I know that you're happy, too. After all, you and Xander are still together.
I miss you guys so much. You, of course, know that I was born on February 25, 1995, so "our" 18th birthday is just 2 months and 3 days away, and Christmas is only 3 days away. Of course, you both died back in 1994, so it seems kind of funny to call my birthday as "ours", although it really should have been. Xander, you died, by my best calculations, on August 15, 1994, and Xavy, for you it was November 4, 1994. Imagine that! More than 18 years ago, and yet it seems like it was just yesterday. My graduation is in 6 months, on June 15, and although you two can't be there in person, I know you'll be marching with me the whole time. I love you guys. <3

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