year's gone by since my loss
by that Canadian guy
It has been years since the death of my first born son. He lived for 10 days and passed at home in our care. Our son was diagnosed with encephalocele at 18 months and we were advised that we should abort him. after many talks and hours thinking we decided that we could not abort our child. instead we made arraignment for "care and comfort" treatment at the hospital (we did not want to see our son hooked up to machines for the rest of his life).If He was ment to live he would live if not we would be there and be able to hold him.
child birth went well and he was alive and healthy to the surprise of the doctors and nurses. we stayed in the hospital for several days so the doctors could see how he was progressing. When the doctor decided that we should take him home we did not object, We were full of hope that our son might be all right.
When we were at home with him we noticed his color was starting to change, this was the beginning of the end. He was not properly digesting his food. He fought internal infection for about 36 hours at witch time neither my wife or myself was able to sleep, during his last hours when his breathing labored we would hug him and his breathing would get better. in his final hour he grabbed my finger in his left hand and my wife's finger in his right hand and pulled our fingers tips together and held them there, as if to say "stay together".
My family told me I should sleep so I went to bed for a short nap, less then 5 minuets later my family told me he had passed. To this day I still blame myself for not being with him at the end to give him his hug.
Since his passing. I also lost my father in law and mother in law to cancer and my mother to ALS(all within 4 years)I seemed to have hardened myself emotionally, and avoid thinking of him and deaths to cope with his death because the following deaths in my family didn't seen to faze me much, and I would not seem to think of him often
now after more than 6 years I am finally starting to properly deal with my emotions, and am able to think of him daily. It kinda feels good to finally start the healing process be it I will never be the same.