You didn't say, "Goodbye"!

by Kimberly Ann Mays
(Greenwood, LA)

It was January 10, 2010 when you left us. I called, but you didn't answer. You were already gone! My son, Joseph Nicholas "Nick" Taylor, age 22, was shot and killed. There are no words to express the deep emotions that come with losing a child. Especially one so young. I struggled for months trying to solve my son's death, in order to see that he receive justice for such a brutal death. I failed to succeed at doing so due to the nature of this crime. It took place in a high crime area where illegal drugs, guns and gang activity was commonly known. My son's death was made to look like a self-defense crime. No one would come forward on his behalf due to the fear of retaliation. I found myself so consumed with searching for answers that it drove me insane. Finally, I had to turn it completely over to God and ask Him to bring me and my family comfort and peace. It's been 2 years and 2 and a half months now since he left and the pain is still so difficult. I've not gone one day without thinking about and missing my child. I miss him constantly. We were so close and shared such a wonderful bond. Everything I was and knew has been changed and will never be the same. I'm just now beginning to do things again that before meant nothing to me. It was part of daily life. I couldn't cook any more because I felt guilt that he wasn't here. I just stayed stagnant and watched as the world passed right by everyday. I didn't know what I wanted or where I wanted to go. I spend all of my spare time writing to Nick on the Legacy page that was issued after he passed away. This is my way of coping. I can talk to him as if he's in another state somewhere, unable to write back. I celebrate his birthdays still by having a ceremony with balloon release, flower cake and other special things in memory of him. This will be our third birthday at his grave on May 13 th. It will also be on Mother's Day this year. I continue to give him a Christmas present under the tree and each holiday I include a special moment for him. I still cry. I always will. My faith has grown so much since all of this happened and my relationship with God is stronger than its ever been. I can't tell anyone here that it will all be ok. I would be lying to myself and to others. I can say that God will be right there with you the entire time if you let Him. He's been my only hope and my reason to survive this. I know that someday I will be with my son again. I live each day now for that purpose. I don't know why a parent must suffer the loss of a child, but I do know that God knows what's best for us. For my son, being with God and Jesus is far greater than any place he could be. I love him too much to think differently, even though I miss him severely. My grief continues to exist, but I allow this pain because it reminds me of the wonderful life I had with my son. When I hurt, I feel everything I loved about him and I'm missing him. This is one pain I never hope to lose. It's my way of knowing that I'm still alive and he's not forgotten.

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Mar 25, 2012
I know your pain
by: Carla

My daughter, Heather Leann Pope, was murdered on july 23rd 2010. I also take balloons on special holidays and realese them where we found her body. She had 11 cuts to hear head and face with a machetti. She layed in the Texas heat for 11 days before we found her. There was only 36lbs of bones left of my beautiful Heather. She was full of love and smiles for eveyone. Did not matter what color you were, what your financial status was or if you were homeless. She loved everyone the same except for her Mother, she loved me beyond measure. I call the sheriff every week to see if anything has happened in her case. I'm afraid not because of how much time has passed. I will be diligent about my expectations of them finding who took my beautiful daughter from me. He must pay for his sins.

I will continue to pray for heather and let's pray for Albert to so the can have justice in this like we know so we will find some kind of closure.

Mar 24, 2012
Dear Carol, Sean's mom
by: Kimberly Ann Mays

Dear Carol,
It is the hardest thing in life you'll ever go through. Life is sad, and it is very hard to live without your child. I too wanted my life over after losing my son. This pain is always going to be there in your heart. My son also left brothers behind. He also left a month old baby girl that he loved more than anything. I can only tell you that it hasn't been easy. I'm still trying to figure out how to be a mother to my other two children. I was so afraid that God was going to take them from me as well. I stayed in fear all of the time. I'm still not where I should be in life, but I'm ok with that. The only thing that has helped me live through this was the fact that I had to turn everything over to God. I didn't have this kind of faith before my son left. God doesn't want you in this pain. He's the only One that knows exactly what you're feeling and what you need. He's patient and loving and can become the greatest strength you'll ever know. Carol, give it to Him! He'll give your daughters the things that He knows you can't give to them right now. I had to learn that what I wanted had to be what God wanted for me. I now pray asking Him to give me whatever it is in His will and not mine. Today, I ask God to send me what I need to understand and not allow Satan to confuse me. Satan is very interested in our lives and glorified that we have lost our precious children. We can't even allow him any room to move toward us or he will. I first had to hear about the story of Job to give me the courage and seek God for help. My niece shared it with me and I had never heard it before. I still think of Job and use it to give me strength. This story is truly amazing! Carol, I sat on my back porch one morning, just a few days after my son left. I cried out as loudly as I could to God. I asked that He come to me because I was lost, scared and hurting. I wanted to die! I could feel God's warmth and presence immediately. I knew it was Him. He allows me to feel my pain, and even drift at times, but He's always there to pull me back. I still seek God's answers, but I only allow these messages come from what He places on my heart. Your son is not dead! He's very much alive today, in the presence of God and Jesus. You want him with you and this is how it should be for you. God doesn't tell us why He takes them. I just trust that He does it for a very special purpose for them. Carol, go to God right now. Ask Him to relieve you from this place where your heart is today. Even if you're only willing to give a little to Him at a time. That's ok. He's waiting on you! He's patient. Once you see the things He can do for you, you will only want more. He's wanting to give you more. Your healing can't be done alone. He wants to do it with you. The relationship I have with God now is my light that helps me see my son in the end.

Mar 24, 2012
Trying to have faith
by: carol,seans mom

Kimberly. My name is Carol Cotter. I lost my 24 year old son November 15,2011. He died in his sleep. I still wait for autopsy results. My mind is filled with pain and heartbreak. My body has become weak with grief. I try to have hope and faith but I feel to weak. I do not want a life without Sean. I planned on him being with me until the day I died. He was on 24. I do not know how to move forward. How did you regain you faith? I am trying to figure this all out but I am not doing well. I have become tired,thin and have no motivation. Sean left two sisters behind and I hang in there for them. But barely. Now they have a life with a mom who was once positive and encouraging to a mom who is sad, hurt and tired all the time. They did not deserve this either. Life is hard. Life is sad.

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