you don't know what you got untill it's gone
On January 12th, 2011 I lost a loving devoted father to lung cancer. I can't even begin to tell you how negatively this has impacted my life. Not even a week after he died i started getting addicted to alcohol, once i got used to alcohol solving my problems it was hard to stop drinking, and still is. for a year and a half i haven't been able to last more than 18 days without a drink. I am 15 days sober as i'm typing this, and the cravings are horrible. His death was too sudden, and he took care of me and my mom and my brothers and even total strangers. Hundreds of people showed up to his funeral, nobody had a bad word to say about him, he was liked by everyone he met. He would never complain either, he did laundry, grocery shopping, cooking sometimes, and straightened up the house, and was very supportive of me and my dream to become an actor. He showed up to all of my plays, and bragged about me constantly.
It all started in october of 2010, that's when i found out he had cancer, and i felt bad because earlier in the month he was coughing up blood and i didn't make him go to the doctor, the guilt is horrible. I also had some bad fights with him weeks before i found out he had cancer, it was such bad timing and i still feel guilty about it because i thought he wouldn't know how much i appreciated him. I took him for granted, and didn't deserve the admiration he always had of me. i had to watch him slowly deteriorate infront of my eyes, i found out on october 28th 2010,and he died not even 3 months later, that's how sudden and tragic it was. I'm still traumitized. He died before seeing my high school graduation as well.
The coughing up blood and the state of his body when he got sick still haunts me to this day, and not being able to tell him how much i appreciated him before he died, i was in so much shock when he was sick that i forgot to say:"dad i appreciate you and you we're a great father". I've also become bitter, i'm angry that this happened and feel like a victim, and nothing seems right without him, it shouldn't have happened. and i see people in my class in my acting college and none of them went through what i went through an they just don't get it. and i don't get enough sympathy at home because my mom is very demanding and manipulating and unsympathetic, i hate to say it because i wish she wasn't that way but she is. In a selfish way i want and need somebody to feel sorry for me and tell me that i didn't deserve for this to happen and that they feel sorry for me.
I get so despondant and irritable at times, i pine for my father. I wish i could take back the arguments we had because he didn't deserve it. I can't get my head around never seeing him again, a part of me died that day. The minute the nurse came in to the hospital and said those dreaded words: "he's gone", i've never been the same, and i will never 100 percent get back to the carefree days when he was alive. right now the future seems dim, i need somebody to tell me i got stuff to look foward to, and that things will get better. I'm only 19. R.I.P Robert Corbett, september 24th 1944-january 12th 2011.