You never know when will be the last time you meet so treasure her.

by Carole
(Chatteris, England)

My mum died 21 months ago - I found her body on Mother's Day 2012, when I was due to go out for meal with her, and my brother could get no reply from her on the phone. I (and neighbours) had to break in to her house as she had left the key in the locked door, as normal. I had seen her the week before, when we went on a shopping trip, and although we had never been a family who 'hugged' or showed overt affection, seeing her standing there with her normal smile and cheery but anxious words, 'Drive carefully, love', I had an overwhelming urge to hug her little frame, but resisted because I thought she would be embarrassed. When I found her on that dreadful Mother's Day, she did not look 'peaceful' and subsequently I was advised not to view her body at the undertakers because she had deteriorated so much (there was a long delay whilst a post-mortem was performed). I just keep wanting to see her face how she was on that last 'normal' day, but can't. I only have the rare photo I found to put on the service sheet for her funeral - she hated having her photo taken but this was a lovely picture. I sometimes feel that I can cope with it all - after all, it is a 'normal' thing for your parents to die before you, isn't it? - but it doesn't actually work like that, does it? Mum had a long life (85 years) but I still feel that she went too soon - everyone who has lost a beloved mum or dad will feel that. I talk to her (and dad) every day - sometimes it makes me cry but somehow I feel that they are giving me the strength to get through the worst times. Lots of things 'happen' - a song from my childhood that I hadn't heard for years on the radio, a red admiral butterfly (mum had red hair) fluttering into the house and me rescuing it, white feathers falling at my feet, 3 cats 'adopting' me so that I had someone to take care of ...lots of things that have given me comfort. Take comfort where you can - the regrets I have are huge - I am just glad that mum and I shared a laugh in those last few moments. But regret not hugging her.

Comments for You never know when will be the last time you meet so treasure her.

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Apr 10, 2014
So true
by: Anonymous

I hope you are coping ok now that another Mother's Day has passed.Losing your mum is very difficult and grief is tough. I am still struggling, I miss my mum so much too. I have regrets but I hope she knew that I loved her and although I didn't live near my mum I was always at the end of the phone.Thinking of you Carol. Mary.

Jan 21, 2014
Is this normal
by: Doreen UK

Anne. Guilt is very much a part of the grief process. I don't know why! But most of us on this site has expressed this. We go through life and don't get to resolve all the difficulties that crop up each day. It is as if we put them to bed not realising that they can often go deep within our sub conscious mind only to resurrect when we go through a crisis. But when these anxieties release themselves by coming out they don't usually bother us again. If anyone finds themselves feeling Guilty for too long then they should see a psychologist/counsellor for support to resolve deeper issues that need skill to be brought to the surface so they evaporate. This happened to me. After this therapy my guilt left me and never bothered me again. It was only because I shoved my feelings so deep within as a young child that I didn't know how to deal with many things. There then comes a point as we get older that something starts bubbling in us just under the surface. This means that what we haven't dealt with is pressing for resolution. Once these trapped feelings come out they never bother us again. I lost my husband to cancer 20 months ago and I had so many conflicting emotions that were confusing, guilt, anger, etc. I just let them come since I had no control over these emotions. I didn't make them come and I couldn't stop them. They eventually went in time and I think this is just part of the normal healing process. We can't heal unless all the negative emotions present themselves and leave us. None of us knows what to expect from grief and how to cope with it. WE just learn from other's and as we go along in life. We can't stay in grief forever. Grief has a process and we have to go through it and come out the other end with Healing.

Jan 20, 2014
Is this normal?
by: Anonymous

Is guilt part of grieving? Why do I feel guilty over the things I didn't do for my mum? People tell me I did plenty of things for her and I know that is true but I keep focusing on the unsaid things and the things I didn't do for her? I feel guilty over the fact she died in hospital over the fact I didn't get to say goodbye over the fact that I didn't spend more time with her, over the fact the I knew she was ill and didn't make a greater effort to see her more often?I feel guilty over the times I argued with her or complained about her or didn't listen to her.I know we had good times too but I cannot focus on them. I feel that I disappointed her and let her down. I feel I was stupid and didn't follow my instinct. I miss her so much and I will never see her again. I was her only daughter and she needed me and I wasn't there when it counted.Does any one else feel like this? Anne

Jan 12, 2014
Lost Mother - Northern Ireland
by: Doreen UK

Anne I am sorry for your loss of your mother. It is one of the most heart breaking experiences of losing a mother no matter how old one is. I am a mother to 3 Adults 45yrs.43yrs.33yrs. and I can tell you that most children take parents for granted. this seems normal to me. It comes about by how parents rear their children, making them feel secure and an important part of their lives. A parent would know if their child loved them or not and I guess a child would know the same thing more. Saying "I love you" less often is appreciated more than if one said it too often. It would lose it's meaning and value. It could then become mundane and routine. It is not always easy to get the right balance. If you respected your mum and she respected you, that speaks volumes. It is strange how grief throws up feelings of guilt and regret. It seems to be a pattern most of us feel and express. these feelings should pass in time and not stay. Our loved one's cannot be hurt by life anymore. We will go on hurting for some time. Life is never the same again. One just gets used to living without a mother who was and is the essence of our life. A strong bond that is so very painful when it is broken by death. I hope that you have better days ahead in time as you recover from your loss of a mother.

Jan 11, 2014
Lost mother
by: Anne Northern Ireland

I have read all the comments and can relate to them all. I too feel bereft with out my mum. Only those who have lost a mother know the feeling. The times you lift the phone to tell her something or the memories of your final conversation that replay over and over in your head. I look at photos of my mum and wonder how I never fully understood how much she meant to me when she was alive. I too never got to tell her how much she was loved by me and I just hope she knew by my actions. I miss her voice, her kind smile and per presence. I am sorry I took her for granted. She passed away 6 months ago and it gets harder every day.Thanks to all who posted it helps to know we are not alone.Anne

Jan 06, 2014
Thinking of you all
by: Anonymous

I am thinking of all those who have lost their dear mothers it is a very sad time for us. May we be united in grief may their souls rest in peace and that we may see them again. Until then we keep them in our hearts. Mary

Jan 06, 2014
I understand
by: Kathleen Lydecker

Thanks for your post, I recently lost my mom on Christmas day and I agree, one is never ever ready to lose a mom. Please know that I share your great sense of loss and please know that you are not alone. God Bless.

Jan 03, 2014
Thanks
by: Anonymous

Carole,
Thanks for reply it is good to know we are not alone in our grief. I feel the extent of our grief is relative to how much we loved our mothers. The mother daughter bond is very strong and particularly when you are an only daughter. Myself and mum talked incessantly.We never tired of each other's company and we miss that bond. Yes I would give anything to see my mum and Dad again. Take care and know that you were there for your mum and that she loved you very much.Therese

Jan 02, 2014
sorry for your loss
by: Mary

Carol,
Sorry for your loss, I hope the new year brings healing. it was tough for you to lose your mum in such a distressing way. My heart goes out for you. I hope you have family and friends to lean on at this time. Talking through your feelings does help. You sound like a caring daughter taking your mum out shopping and going for meals. Remember that when you are down. We all have regrets it is part of the grieving process and they will become less prominent in time. Believe me it will get better in time, but grief does take time and it is an uphill struggle so take it one step at a time.Wishing you well. Mary

Jan 02, 2014
To Therese and Doreen
by: Carole

Thank you both for your responses to my post about my mum. Your words affected me deeply, Therese for your mum and Doreen for your husband, and though I don't want to think that others are feeling the way that I have been, knowing that other people understand means a lot. Doreen, you said something I hadn't thought of before - that my mum can't be hurt anymore by life. Mum didn't have an easy life, that's for sure, and I wish I could have bought her the little 'chocolate box cottage' that she would have loved, but I never won the Lottery! She was finding life difficult physically and was lonely (except for me visiting), but as you said, that is no more - she is hopefully with dad and with her beloved sisters and brothers, and I can only be glad for that. Therese, you said that our mums are looking over us and would want us to be happy and I do believe this. I did visit a 'clairsentient' (it's not for everybody but I wanted to desperately) and he could sense my mum AND my dad, and even gave me my dad's name and was puzzled by seeing some old-fashioned 'dolly pegs', until I realised that he was seeing my mum, Dolly! That gave me some comfort, but oh, to see them again...perhaps one day I will. Love to you both in your grief - I shall think of you. Carole

Jan 02, 2014
I understand
by: Therese

Dear Carole,

I cried as I read your post about your mum. All your words rang true with me. My mum was 83 and passed away in hospital in July. I didn't hug her before I left her the previous night and I regret it now too. I too have stacks of regrets and I loved her so much but like your family we never told each other . I remember taking my mum out for dinner for Mother's Day 2012 that was probably the last meal she ever really enjoyed out as her health deteriorated after that and she spent Mother's Day 2013 in hospital.I called to the hospital on Mother's Day to see her and gave her a small gift which she proudly displayed to all and sundry. I miss her each and every day and think of her every hour.
The only solace I can give you is that you are not alone and that we are all in the same boat. Our mothers knew we cared and I know they are watching over us. Unlike you I haven't had any signs like feathers or kittens etc. Be gentle with yourself our mothers would want us to be happy so for their sake they would want us to go on and live as normally as possible.Therese in Ireland

Jan 02, 2014
You never know when will be the last time you meet so treasure her
by: Doreen UK

Carole I am sorry for your loss of your mum. I lost my husband to cancer 20 months ago. Almost the same time frame of grief as you have had. It somehow feels worse now as time goes on. We live with many regrets and this is part of life. We all have them. Coming from a family who never displayed open affection causes us to feel more guilt over our regrets. But I have learned to accept what I couldn't change and make changes in my life that I do have control over changing. We can't beat ourselves up over everything we didn't do. We would torture ourselves forever. I didn't say good-bye to my husband. I don't like good-bye's. I said "See you in the morning." I do believe in an after life and I know by Faith I will see my husband again and be reunited with him. Find HOPE in your life and grieve the losses of regrets and don't let regrets keep you in a hole. Your mother cannot be hurt anymore by life. We are the ones who are hurt and have to find a way to resolve our grief and carry on living the best way we can. Your mother would have had many regrets and never had the time to talk about them. My husband had regrets over his job taking him away from home for over 47yrs. and never being able to establish good relationships with our 3 Adult children. I re-assured him that he was the best father he could be and to write his regrets in sand and his achievements in stone. I wish you better days ahead and comfort in your loss of your mum.

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