You painted my life with Hapiness and Love.
by Clarissa Haynes
You chose to be my dad. You stepped up when nobody else would. You were my grampa, but also my daddy. It's been almost a year since I lost you...a year on December 19th to be exact, and it hurts more now than it did when you actually passed. You were my hero, the strongest man I have ever or will ever know. My iron-man. I remember little things now, and big things. How you could fix anything, and whenever I asked you to fix something, a remote, a toy, my heart; we'd going to your messy chest of drawers that had every tool and trinket I could imagine. Full of batteries, parts, tools, band-aids, things that were the bits and pieces of you. How your aftershave smelled. How your eyebrows were crazy out of control. The dimple in your chin that matched handsomely with your crooked smile. The clip that you always wore on your belt with your keys, even if you weren't going any where. How much you loved Gram. How much you loved us. How much you loved me, always telling me that I was God's way of making up for your other children just to make me smile. Do you know how proud you made me while I watched you fight your heart disease? You were so strong. 4 open heart operations. They gave you 6 months, you took 10 years. And in the end dad, it wasn't even your heart that took you. Nothing could take a heart that big or strong, not even disease. You were the strongest man I've ever seen, chopping wood and hiking right up until the end. And even then you fought it tooth and nail. How can I let you go? How can I stop wishing with every piece of me that I could somehow get you back. Just one more day, hour, minute. Just one more hug. I'm so sorry I stayed away those last 6 months and didn't visit as often as I should have. I couldn't face you were leaving me, and as dumb as it is, I thought that if I ignored it, it would go away, that you would stay with us longer. I just wanted to keep you. I just want to find some way to feel close to you. And I'm so sorry for that. I'm so sorry I wasn't there, that I left you in your time of need. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. I know that you are in my blood, literally, I carry you with me....but I need a hug. I need to hear "I love you darlin'". And it's not fair that I can't. I hate that Gram has moved on, it hasn't even been a year. You were together 45 years, how can she let you go so easily? It hurts me that I feel as if she's forgotten about you. I will never forget, I swear. I promise you I'll carry you in my heart every day until my last breath, and then my children will carry you through the stories I share of the greatest man to ever live. I'm so mad, Dad. Why did God have to take YOU? Why not somebody else, anybody else. And then I feel guilty for thinking that, but I can't help myself. I know you wouldn't want me to grieve like this, you'd tell me to not waste so many tears and that I need to smile because I have a beautiful one, but I don't know how to smile without you, Dad. Please come back, please. I'm begging. I would do anything to have you back, give up anything. I didn't want you to go a year ago, and I'm still waiting on you to come back now. I miss stupid things. I miss how you'd fall asleep in the bathroom because you'd play your hand held solitaire at midnight. I miss you waking me up because you decided to do dishes at 5 am. I miss you checking on me in the middle of the night wearing your headlamp. I miss how we used to fight, and annoy each other. You're in everything dad. I hear your laugh in the wind, I see your smile in the mountains you loved so much. I see the twinkle of your eye in the blanket of stars I can see from your front yard at night. I see you in all four of the boys. I see your strength, love, compassion, in me. I don't know what happens when we die Dad, but I know if a heaven does exist you must be there. Where else would someone with such a beautiful, big and loving soul go? I don't know if I'll see you again someday, but I have hope. I just wish that day was today because I miss you. I love you dad. I'll make you proud, I swear it. No more goodbyes, because those are forever. So. I'll see you later, Daddy.