You're Not Fat

by Jessica

My dad's name is Jason.

My dad was extremely overweight. He weighed like around 500 pounds, maybe a little over. But I didn’t care. I loved him, he was my best friend and we were super close. When I was 10 turning 11, my dad decided that he wanted to get the Gastric Bypass Surgery. So he went in for his first meeting with the doctor that would hopefully one day give it to him. I went with him to this meeting and the doctor told him that he could help him and do the surgery, but that it was going to be risky because of all of his health problems.

He also told him there was a 50-50 chance he could die. And that was all I heard, and needed to hear. I told my dad not to do it because he could die and I would miss him a lot. But he kept saying not to worry about him because he was my daddy and he was super strong. He trusted the doctor with his life.

So I decided to trust the doctor too. So we went through months of doctor appointments and my dad trying to lose enough weight to finally be able to get the surgery at all. So finally he had lost enough weight and we had all of the money taken care of and everything. His surgery date was Monday, August 22, 2005, exactly one week before my first day of 6th grade (middle school). And I was excited because after my dad got this surgery I could see him at the hospital and visit him all I wanted to, because my mom and dad made special arrangements with the staff of the hospital. So my mom and dad dropped me off at my grandma’s house where my family was all at so I could hang with them until it was over. They were mostly trying to keep me in high spirits.

Then around 4pm my mom and grandma walked in the house. They were crying, and not tears of joy.

This was when my whole world just stopped. Everything just paused. My mom and grandma sat on either side of me and told me what had happened and tried to calm my screaming. I was screaming and thrashing around like a crazy person. It couldn’t be happening. Not to my dad, he was my best friend, I love him soooooooooo much and he was so amazing.

Then the next week just flew by. My family on his side all flew in as soon as they head the news. I made sure I didn’t cry in front of them because I wanted to seem strong because my mom was. And my dad was strong too. So the rest of the week whenever there was no one around I just broke down. I couldn’t let anyone see me like that.

That Friday was my dad’s funeral. We were having him cremated and he wasn’t ready yet. So we just brought his empty urn to the ceremony. We sang his favorite church song. I wore an outfit that he picked out for me at the store and I knew he loved. I tried not to cry the whole time. I only made it half way through before one of my best friends had taken a hold of me to help me. I greatly appreciated it.

When we went over to my grandma’s afterwards everyone asked me why I didn’t say anything at the funeral and I told them just to leave me alone because they didn’t understand what I was going through. So I sat in a corner by myself and did inside. Then that Monday I had to go to school. So I did. And it was horrible not having my dad be there with me on my first day.

Everyone I tell this story to doesn’t believe me at first then they get all sympathetic and try to tell me that they know what I’m going through and I tell them that they don’t, just because their pet died. Then they say sorry and tell me that I’m very strong and they are surprised that I was able to just go on with my life and totally just not grieve anymore. That’s when I tell them that I do and that I’m still stuck in the like middleish beginning of the seven steps of grievance. And I'm only 15 turning 16 soon.