My worse regret..

by Anabella's Mother
(New Jersey)

Hello. I wanted to share my story with everyone. I am 19 years old and in February of this year, I went to the emergency room for vomiting. I thought I had a stomach virus or food poising since my vomiting and nausea wouldn't stop. First thing they made me do was pee in a cup, as hospitals always do. When the doctor comes into the room, she introduces herself and asks me why I'm there. I tell her everything and she tells me what medication she'll give me. Just before she exits the room she says, "Just to be clear, you are aware that you're pregnant, right?" My jaw dropped. I was speechless. I shook my head no and she confirmed it once more. When she walks out, I start tearing up. It was unbelievable. I was told by my OBGYN that the chances of me ever getting pregnant where slim to none and that without treatment, getting pregnant was out of the picture. So I accepted it since I never really wanted kids in the future anyway. But now i was pregnant and I was so shocked and confused and overwhelmed. I didn't know how to feel! It was almost like a miracle. I just couldn't believe it, but something in me had a good feeling about this. I called my boyfriend (father) that same night and let him know. He was also very surprised but didn't say much of it. I was scared to hear what he had to say about it. Since he was 28 and much older than me, I expected him to be shocked since it wasn't planned but also excited. But we finally talked about it in person, he wasn't excited at all... His take on it was that 'it was up to me' but he thought that an abortion was the best thing. That just crushed me. I myself wasn't sure what I wanted to do 100%, but I didn't want to get an abortion. In his defense, he mentioned how I was constantly getting kicked out of my parents' house and that I didn't have a car and how we couldn't afford a baby or a place to live together, and that we just weren't ready. It doesn't feel good to hear "I dont want it but its up to you" coming from the person who's in the situation with you. I felt so alone, I didn't have anyone but my bias boyfriend to talk to about it with. I just kept trying to keep hope that one day he would say "yes lets keep it" but those words never came out of his mouth. We kept the pregnancy talk to a minimum and in fact, we avoided it, which didn't help. I was left with this HUGE, life changing decision to make, all on my own. My mother and I were on extremely bad terms at the time and as mentioned before, I was kicked out of my parents' house. She has always told me that if I were to ever get pregnant, she would make me get an abortion or kick me out so either way, I wouldn't go to her about it. So here I am, alone and stressed. I knew I had to make up my mind, before it was too late. I started thinking about my future, and how I was still in school and how I didn't have any money saved up and how I didn't even want children. The more I thought about it, the more reasons I found to not go through with this pregnancy. I went from being told I wasn't able to have kids, to getting pregnant, to contemplating abortion. I kept thinking that we could make it work but what if I went through with the pregnancy and there was no longer a "we" and we split? What if I have this baby and I ruin the father's life? What if i'm left all alone with my baby and I'm not able to give them the life they deserve? In March, a month after finding out, I scheduled to get the abortion. My boyfriend drove me and the car ride was long and silent. I was hoping my boyfriend would stop and say "Let's just turn around, go home and keep our baby," but it didn't happen. Just more silence. I felt really numb and emotionless before and after arriving at the clinic. My boyfriend kept asking me if I was okay and I would nod my head yes. But I wasn't. At the clinic, they made me do an urine test, then they preformed an ultrasound where I found out I was 8 weeks. I tried my hardest to not look at the screen and denied the photos of the scan. I went to the counseling they offer but it was more of just consenting and signing a lot of papers. They then took me and 2 other women down to where we would wait to get the abortion done. The women were both 40+ years old, which made me feel worse. Most of that is blurry but I had to change into a gown and put my belongings in a locker. I remember being wheel-chaired into the operation room. I started to tear up when the nurse was injecting the anesthesia. She saw my tears, caressed my hair and told me she promised everything would be okay. I knew it was too late to back down now. When I woke up, I felt no physical pain or had any guilt or regrets. I went about my life for about a month like nothing happened until it finally hit me... I had killed my baby. There was a human growing inside of me, a person I made, and now it was gone. I began regretting my decision and crying about it every single chance I got. I couldn't believe what I had done, I felt like a monster. How could I kill my baby?? Who even was I? I couldn't function. I had dropped out of school. I ended up dying my hair a different color and cutting it real short, to try and feel like a different person because I couldn't stand the person I was. My boyfriend and I had many fights after the abortion, and I blamed him for all of it. I told him that if he would of gave me just a little support and reassurance, I would of been strong enough to keep my baby and we wouldn't be the way we were. But deep down I know he isn't the only one at fault. He tells me now that he also regrets the decision and he's sorry for handling the situation the way he did. It is now September and its about to be 7 months since my abortion. Til this day, I cry about the death of my unborn child every single day. I've started seeing a therapist who has been very helpful and understand with everything. I assumed the gender and named her Anabella, as a coping and grieving technique, and I pray and apologize to her every night. I apologize for not being strong enough to own up and allow her to grow up to become a beautiful, unique individual and I let her know that if I could take it back, I would. I rather go through hard times with her by my side than live with the regret and self-hatred I do now. I will never forget my Anabella and I know I will live with this feeling for the rest of my life. But I do hope it gets easier to cope with. I hope my story comes across someone who's pregnant and confused with what to do. I hope they see how an abortion can damage you and scar you for the rest of your life. No matter how hard it may seem now, everything will work out in the end. God does everything for a reason and if you are given the chance to create life, you're blessed.

Comments for My worse regret..

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Sep 24, 2017
Thank You!!!
by: Anonymous

Dear Anabella's Mother,

Thank you for sharing your story in such painful detail. You are courageous and kind to offer your insight to others who may be suffering from a similar regret or may still have a chance to make a different decision. I pray and believe that your story will save lives!

I could not stop weeping as I read your story. Jesus loves you and Anabella. I pray for him to comfort, guide and bless you all your life!

Sep 21, 2016
My Worst regret....
by: Doreen UK

When one finds out they are pregnant and unmarried with the insecurity that follows it is a tough call to decide what to do. You were not given the counselling support you needed and you were not given the support from the father of your unborn child or for that matter any support from family. You were left all alone to make a decision that is all too common and perhaps found this was the only way out for you. Life is what it is. DIFFICULT. We have many decisions to make every day and many are not easy to make. WE can make a decision that will leave us tormented for a long time with no chance to feel FREE. A decision that can dominate one's life for years or a lifetime.
You say that God does everything for a reason. God gives us the freedom to make our own choices and decisions without God making the decision for us. WE can often get it so wrong. What you have to realise is that God is ALL FORGIVING. To have an abortion is to kill an unborn child and you have taken responsibility for this which is a mature thing to do. Find out who God really is and you will find out that all you need to do is REPENT. By telling God you are SORRY FOR THIS SIN. Without making excuses for being young or your circumstances. Only then will you be setting yourself FREE from the guilt and the Sin.
God does not hold our SINS against us. He is merciful, loving, and forgiving and casts our sins in to the sea and remembers them against us NO MORE. It is Satan the devil who causes us confusion and guilt and would love us to not forgive ourselves ever and it is Satan who holds our sins over us so that we are never free to live a better life.
Only YOU can make your life better by not making the same mistakes but learn from them and to not let this abortion hold you back in life. IT HAPPENED. YOU COPED WITH IT the best way you could and you have to now LET GO OF THE PAIN and GUILT and Put purpose and meaning back in to your life. I don't know why your parents kicked you out and left you struggling on your own.
With all the tragedies we have to bear in life we can either let it make us bitter or better. I decided long ago that I would let every tragedy I experienced not let it make me bitter but better. God then turned my tragedies in to triumphs and let them become the springboard to help comfort other's going through life with hurts and wounds they can do nothing about.
NURTURE yourself now. Do good things for yourself each day to build yourself up and help make you feel SPECIAL. LOVED. and WORTHY of life and happiness, despite what has happened to you in life. You will one day be able to MENTOR other people and use your tragedies in life to help someone else. Writing your story here makes you a caring person who put your own tragedy on the line to help someone else. This makes you a SPECIAL person who loves and wants to be loved despite your family perhaps not valuing you as you needed to be.
Everyone is worthy of love and does not need to earn this. Often parents try so hard but are flawed by their own issues and often cannot become the person they wanted to be either. Make something of your life that will be better than the circumstances you find yourself in. Never become defeated by life. Use Life as a springboard to do better when life lets you down.
I leaned on God all the time and He picked me up and carried me through some of the worst experiences in life and I hope that you also get a chance in life to make it better for yourself. We all need a little help and just someone to come alongside us to say WE CARE what happens to you. This can be the start of a better life for you. Many people who did great things in life came from poor beginings and they never let the bad things in life keep them down or limit what they could do. Rise above your circumstances.
FORGIVE YOURSELF for the abortion and start to live again. Write your REGRETS IN SAND (to be wiped away) and write your achievements in STONE (to be remembered FOREVER).
Best wishes in Life.

Sep 19, 2016
re: My Worse Regret
by: Anonymous

God loves you. I had an abortion over 30 years ago and I felt so guilty. I would cry so much. I went to mental health clinics and spoke to different psychiatrists, but none of them could help me. I was so sorry for what I had done. A lady that I met invited me to church. I went to church and I invited Jesus and the Holy Spirit into my heart. I asked God in Jesus name to forgive me for aborting my child. I was crying so much and God forgave me and took away all of the guilt that I had felt for so long. I know that I will see my child in heaven. After that experience, I never felt guilty again. God loves you and wants to save you, forgive you, heal you, and take away all that guilt that you have been feeling. He is waiting for you to come to Him. Your child is in heaven and you can see your child again. Romans 10:9-10 Confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that He raised Jesus from the dead and you will be saved. Only the blood of Jesus can wash away your sins and give you peace within. God loves you so much! I love you too.

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