Never lost always loved

The circumstances of my beautiful soul mate cat passing away were very hard but no harder than every other person who loses a beloved animal friend so I find I am trying my best not to dwell on them.
At the time Oscie was with me, my husband and our friend who was Oscie's 'dad' for two years before our friend gave him to us four years ago. However I never got to hold or comfort him as his death happened so quickly I was panicking looking for the vets phone numbers and calling them up rather than spending his last moments giving him soothing strokes and words which really pains me.
Just over three weeks have passed since then, mornings are so very hard, Oscie would sleep with us and wake me up around 5am, really annoying as I love to sleep :) but if you have to wake up at 5am then a gorgeous fluffy angel is the best thing to wake up to!
Taking care of him, having epic cuddles, and most of all having Oscie there with me to talk to brightened and lightened every day.
I read a book called The Cat Whisperer which explained that cats do understand human language if you repeat the same phrases, my phrases everyday were 'I love you'(about 100 times a day!)'You're the best cat in the world' 'My beautiful boy' and many more. Oscie would lie on the bench we made him by the window and roll around for half an hour at a time soaking in the adoration and enjoying tummy tickles, ear scratches, kisses and nuzzles. We had many other special moments in our days.
I've been reading some helpful words about grieving and have started to realise the journey I'm on. My husband loves Osc just as much as I do but my husband has experience of grief and feels his formula of acceptance and moving on is the best way to deal with it.
I know this is not going to work for me, the bond Oscie and I shared is irreplaceable and I miss him so much, the word bereft is accurate but until now I never fully understood its meaning. Oscie's physical presence, his body in all its feline beauty, his soulful eyes and communicative trills and purrs are gone. Never to be felt or heard again, I can break down at any given second if I let myself dwell on those things. He gave me so much love, he was mine because he chose to be and that's what hurts the most, we shared a bond that will never be broken. My friends and family have been really supportive but there's only so far they can help, most people I know have children or have experienced the grief of losing loved ones so I feel the need to appear to be outwardly putting my feelings into perspective for their sake.
I still talk to Oscie all the time, I have my own rituals of lighting a candle for him and burning sage to help release his spirit, now when I talk to him I tell him we will always love him forever, he will always be our cat and I wish for him to be free and at rest and happy.
Although we removed a lot of his things when he died which was right in a way I realised after the shock had settled down that I want to keep some of his chi around me, his brush and cushions give me comfort so thankfully I have kept them. I wonder at times though if I should be holding on to material things as perhaps I'm just forming strange attachments to objects, grief is so strange though.
Well I've got most of my current feelings out in this letter, thanks for listening to them. I would just like to end by telling you all some more about my special darling cat, so much fun, so silly and playful, he was a home cat and thought he was a little human, the most affectionate cat I ever met but at the same time he had a crazy side to him, flying around the flat or playing ninja whenever I had bare legs on the way back from the shower, I still proudly bear the scars to prove it :)
I love you Oscie toes, my boy, my angel and I always will, be free, be happy, I love you xxxx


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