Never lost always loved

The circumstances of my beautiful soul mate cat passing away were very hard but no harder than every other person who loses a beloved animal friend so I find I am trying my best not to dwell on them.
At the time Oscie was with me, my husband and our friend who was Oscie's 'dad' for two years before our friend gave him to us four years ago. However I never got to hold or comfort him as his death happened so quickly I was panicking looking for the vets phone numbers and calling them up rather than spending his last moments giving him soothing strokes and words which really pains me.
Just over three weeks have passed since then, mornings are so very hard, Oscie would sleep with us and wake me up around 5am, really annoying as I love to sleep :) but if you have to wake up at 5am then a gorgeous fluffy angel is the best thing to wake up to!
Taking care of him, having epic cuddles, and most of all having Oscie there with me to talk to brightened and lightened every day.
I read a book called The Cat Whisperer which explained that cats do understand human language if you repeat the same phrases, my phrases everyday were 'I love you'(about 100 times a day!)'You're the best cat in the world' 'My beautiful boy' and many more. Oscie would lie on the bench we made him by the window and roll around for half an hour at a time soaking in the adoration and enjoying tummy tickles, ear scratches, kisses and nuzzles. We had many other special moments in our days.
I've been reading some helpful words about grieving and have started to realise the journey I'm on. My husband loves Osc just as much as I do but my husband has experience of grief and feels his formula of acceptance and moving on is the best way to deal with it.
I know this is not going to work for me, the bond Oscie and I shared is irreplaceable and I miss him so much, the word bereft is accurate but until now I never fully understood its meaning. Oscie's physical presence, his body in all its feline beauty, his soulful eyes and communicative trills and purrs are gone. Never to be felt or heard again, I can break down at any given second if I let myself dwell on those things. He gave me so much love, he was mine because he chose to be and that's what hurts the most, we shared a bond that will never be broken. My friends and family have been really supportive but there's only so far they can help, most people I know have children or have experienced the grief of losing loved ones so I feel the need to appear to be outwardly putting my feelings into perspective for their sake.
I still talk to Oscie all the time, I have my own rituals of lighting a candle for him and burning sage to help release his spirit, now when I talk to him I tell him we will always love him forever, he will always be our cat and I wish for him to be free and at rest and happy.
Although we removed a lot of his things when he died which was right in a way I realised after the shock had settled down that I want to keep some of his chi around me, his brush and cushions give me comfort so thankfully I have kept them. I wonder at times though if I should be holding on to material things as perhaps I'm just forming strange attachments to objects, grief is so strange though.
Well I've got most of my current feelings out in this letter, thanks for listening to them. I would just like to end by telling you all some more about my special darling cat, so much fun, so silly and playful, he was a home cat and thought he was a little human, the most affectionate cat I ever met but at the same time he had a crazy side to him, flying around the flat or playing ninja whenever I had bare legs on the way back from the shower, I still proudly bear the scars to prove it :)
I love you Oscie toes, my boy, my angel and I always will, be free, be happy, I love you xxxx

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Dec 18, 2019
by: Steph

I lost my baby girl Loki last Saturday. The heartbreak was so much harder as I was travelling abroad at the time. I had left her being taken care of with my niece who has cat sat many times for me so knew she would be well taken care of.

Loki had not been ill. It happened suddenly in the night and my poor niece came downstairs to find her looking like she was asleep on the kitchen floor. So I take comfort in the fact that it looks like she did not suffer. But seems to have maybe had a heart issue.

Loki came to me 5 years ago, a family member was moving and needed to find a new home for her. So I offered and it was the best decision I have ever made. I suffer from mental & emotional issues and Loki was my comfort on a daily basis.

She was an independent girl who hated being picked up but when she was ready would come sit on my knee for cuddles. When I went to bed she went to bed. She would "brup" when it was food time and chatter to the birds outside.

I was so heartbroken when I got the news that I cut short my vacation and came home. I knew it wouldn’t change the fact that Loki was gone but I needed to be home. The pain I felt when I walked through the door to find my house empty was excruciating.

I am struggling so much. I feel sick to the stomach and can’t stop crying.

I have experienced grief before. I lost my mom when I was 16. Then my Nan, uncle and 2 grandads. And this just seems to make me grieve everyone all over again.

I live alone, never married, no kids so Loki really was my companion.

I know that I was able to deal with my previous losses so I know I will be able to deal with Loki going too. But that doesn’t stop the pain I feel now.

To my baby girl Loki 2013 - 2019 love you & miss you so much. Xxx

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