The long goodbye
(United kingd )
In 2011 my mum may as well have gone to heaven; she had dementia you see.
We cared as much as we could but to stay at home was not meant to be.
I had to make that awful decision one I will never forget the one that took mum into a world with horrors I will always regret.
The homes looked nice on the outside but inside there was no care; they made my life and guilt worse and caused me so much despair.
My mum looked glum she smelt and was wet but I was there to fight the horrible neglect.
We moved from one home into another what a waste of time one home was as bad as another was it because nothing was good enough for my mother.
All this time mum did not speak she could no longer talk and was very weak.
She did not know me the day or the year and visits always ended with me having a year.
Each time I left I whispered goodbye and asked the angels to take her and fly.
In 2016 we found another home and moved our dear mum it was much better and mum didn't look as glum.
The home was clean there were no smell we felt like we had got mum out of hell.
They looked after mum better that I could have done but still I felt very sad this dementia you see can't be beaten and God it made me feel mad.
Mum was alive but no lights were on the mum i had once was already gone.
We continued the many goodbyes each time we left the feelings of helplessness I was so bereft.
At Christmas 2017 we got a call the end was nearly here we were able to sit several days with mum and whisper in her ear.
We held her hand though she didn't understand and tried to keep her free from pain. I told how much I loved and missed her over and over again.
The ending came with tears and pain and now mum has gone and I am hoping she is whole again.
Such a long goodbye filled my years with sadness and now mum has gone to a far better place I am left with the tears still down my face.
The fact that she suffered and the care homes were poor I am glad she is now through heavens doors.
I miss my mum oh so much but we lost her so long ago and now I cannot remember her without dementia and the woes. I am hoping healing comes to me and my good memories will grow.
I know I can live without her we have done it for many a year but now when I think I have lost her I hear a voice in my heart telling me no I am still here.
Rest in peace my darling mum this is a poem from your little one x