SIGNS & SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF
|
|||||||||||
|
||||||||||
ARE YOU SURE I'M NOT GOING CRAZY?
EMOTIONAL SYMPTOMS
Effects of bereavement ...
The hallmark of
emotions during grief is unpredictability... you'll be up, down, all over the
place! It feels crazy, but it's normal. As long as your
emotions are constantly changing, moving and evolving, you're on the right track.
- NUMBNESS -- Most people stricken by a great loss report an initial period of
shock, numbness, or disbelief that the tragedy has even occurred. This is a
normal defense mechanism of the mind to protect you from being overwhelmed. This
allows you to absorb the loss as you are able to. When the "shock" wears off, unfortunately, the grief strikes full-blown. At first it may
seem helpful to separate yourself from the pain, but that is not a good thing.
You must go through it sooner or later in order to bring your grief to
resolution.
- SADNESS & YEARNING -- Of course, you'll feel overwhelming sadness, and miss the
physical closeness of your lost loved one. You'll shed many tears, and then be
worried when you can't cry any more.
- RELIEF & GUILT -- It's also common for you to feel at least some degree of relief,
especially if the death followed a long illness, or it was a conflicted
relationship.
The feelings of relief will likely be followed by guilt. You may also feel some
"survivor's guilt" ("Why her and not me?").
You may have many regrets. You may regret things left unsaid or dreams not yet realized. You may feel guilt and regret over the circumstances of the death ("Why did I let her go to the party?") Try to find comfort in the fact that most every bereaved person goes through such heavy-duty emotional turmoil. It one of the common effects of bereavement.
- ANXIETY, WORRY & FEAR -- And yes, even embarrassment. You may feel helpless and
panic-stricken at times. A myriad of strong human emotions is part of
the whole package known as bereavement. As time goes on, the emotions will
soften and the intensity will lessen.
- MENTAL TASKS -- Trouble concentrating, finishing tasks, forgetfulness, inability
to make decisions, "absent-mindedness". It is sometimes said that you should
avoid making any life-changing decisions for at least a year after the loss.
This is a good idea; you are not in your "right mind" right now.
- ANGER -- Anger is a "biggie", almost universally experienced by all who
grieve. It is perfectly normal and understandable for you to feel white-hot rage
at the horrible injustice that has befallen you.
You may be mad at:
---Your lost loved one (for leaving you... especially in cases of suicide)
---The situation (such as a drunk driver)
---The doctors (for not saving her)
---God (for allowing this to happen)
---The whole world ('nuff said)
Let the anger out. It's all okay as long as you don't hurt anyone: scream in the shower, talk about it with a trusted friend; write it all down in your journal; paint a picture of your anger.
Don't forgive until you are ready. Acknowledge your anger. Don't suppress it.
We found an excellent resource site that deals with anger issues and offers sound, professional advice: Anger Management Resource .
WHERE'S ALL MY
FRIENDS?
SOCIAL CHANGES
Effects of bereavement ...
After sustaining a big loss like this, you will be a changed person. You'll
survive grief, but life, and you, will never be the same again. And this will
impact your social life in some way. You may well lose, and/or gain, some
friends over this.
Social support may be abundant soon after the loss. Friends and family will
gather to provide support for you in the traditional mourning rituals. After a while,
though, the
cards and flowers will stop coming, and relatives will go back home. Your "support
system" will get back to their lives, and seem to "abandon" you.
Six months later, when you are truly
realizing all that you have lost, when you are achingly lonely, that is the time
that you probably need support the most. Unfortunately, most everyone is gone by
then, and those who are present may be urging you to "get over it" and move on
with your life.
Sadly, some of your friends will not be calling anymore, and may even be
avoiding you. Why? It was easy for them to give you hugs and shed tears with you
at the funeral, but now is the difficult part. It is hard and awkward for them.
They don't know what to say to you, or how to help you anymore. So they stay
away. One of the unexpected effects of bereavement.
OTHER SOCIAL CHANGES--
Effects of bereavement ...
You might want to withdraw socially, voluntarily isolate yourself from others. You may feel detached, disinterested in your usual activities and interests. You may feel suspicious, irritable and even hostile. Part of these feelings is due to a feeling that "they just don't understand what I'm going through", and your impatience with their lack of understanding. You know what? It's probably justified.
Your social life will normalize
somewhat as you progress through your grief and slowly rejoin the land of the living. But some of your prior relationships will be forever altered. Just so
you know.
SO
WHERE WAS GOD IN ALL OF THIS?
SPIRITUAL CHALLENGES
Effects of bereavement ...
A crushing grief may well force you into a spiritual crisis. You may challenge
or question your faith or religious beliefs.
You may be angry at your God, or feel that life is empty and has no meaning.
- Why did this happen?
- Was there some purpose for it?
- Was this a part of God's plan?
- What reason could He have to allow a senseless death or suffering?
We don't really have an answer for you on this one.
Spirituality is such a private, individual thing. You may find comfort from your
religious rituals. Try to include prayer in your "grief arsenal" as you feel the
need and desire for it. In the depths of your despair, it may help you to "let
go and let God". Sometimes faith provides support and survival for you when
everything else has seems to have failed.
Try not to despair or worry too much about your spiritual doubts... they are
likely to change over time, just as your grief will.
There are some very good books that address the crisis of faith that may occur with a grievous loss. You may find some direction and comfort from these volumes:
Click on
GRIEF AND
LOSS BOOKS to access more interesting books that may help you understand
better the effects of bereavement and how to survive it.
IS THIS
BIZARRE, OR WHAT?
WEIRD AND UNUSUAL GRIEF EXPERIENCES
Effects of bereavement ...
You've gone through the "numb" stage. You're all done with "denial". You've
accepted the reality of your loss, and the finality of it all.
And yet, one evening you're in the kitchen making dinner, and you turn around,
fully expecting "him" to come walking through the front door. I mean, a very
real sensation! Weird, and normal (if you're grieving).
Below are some rather unusual or bizarre things you may experience that are all
perfectly normal and very common occurrences during the grief process. Don't let
them frighten you!
Effects of bereavement ...
- Thinking you see, hear, smell or feel them.
(No, you're not crazy. It's just harmless memories).
- Can't remember anything bad (or good) about them (You will be left with a more
realistic memory of them later on).
- Can't remember what they looked or sounded like (again, the grieving mind
playing tricks on you).
- Being afraid you'll forget them. (You won't).
- Preoccupied or "obsessed" with thoughts of the loved one.
- Carrying or treasuring belongings or objects representing him or her
(And why not?)
- Vivid dreams of the loved one (disturbing but normal).
- Develop his or her mannerisms or behaviors (
an attempt by the mind to "hold on" to them).
DO I NEED HELP?
SERIOUS WARNING SIGNS
Effects of bereavement ...
As we stated before, the strange and intense emotions and symptoms you
experience after a loss may cause you to question your sanity. We have provided
above an extensive list of normal symptoms and behaviors to try to set your mind
at ease. The vast majority of bereaved individuals, although they must go
through an exhausting and painful process, emerge with their sanity and
emotional health intact.
But in some rare cases, and especially so with complicated mourning, outside
help may be needed.
How do you know when to get help?
One authority describes it this way: As long as your grief is moving,
changing and "fluid", it is okay. As long as your emotions are constantly
changing, and you're exhausted at the end of the day, you're on track.
It's only when grief stagnates, traps you in an unchanging phase or cycle, that
grief has gone wrong. You will probably need a therapist for chronic grief that
is excessive and prevents you from functioning, and fails to resolve. You will
feel "unfinished", and know that you need help to complete your grief.
Exaggerated grief is when the grief response is excessive, disabling, crippling;
when psychotic, antisocial or suicidal behavior has surfaced. Find a
psychotherapist who specializes in grief to help you. They fully understand the
effects of bereavement.
SOME SPECIFIC WARNING SIGNS THAT INDICATE A NEED FOR HELP:
Effects of bereavement ...
1. SUICIDAL IDEATION-- You may feel sometimes feel like you don't want to go
on, or "wish you were dead". It is perfectly normal in a serious grief to have
fleeting thoughts of killing yourself. The key here is that these thoughts are
brief in duration and they go away. It's only if you start being obsessed with
such thoughts and formulate real plans of how you would carry it out that you
need to seek immediate professional help. Tell someone and get help!
2.
HIGH ANXIETY-- Intense grief can bring on some really disturbing sensations,
as described above. We assure you, they are normal and common. But if you just
feel too scared or stressed out by what you are feeling, or are having serious
anxiety/panic attacks, go on and see a counselor. Just a few visits with a
mental health professional might be just the ticket to calm you down and get you
back on track.
A word of caution here: don't fall into the trap of using
anti-anxiety medication (or excessive alcohol) to get you through your grief. It
won't work. No short cuts, remember? Anti-anxiety meds are among the most highly
addictive medicines out there. You don't need that!
3. DEPRESSION
-- Many normal grief behaviors may mimic or look like clinical
depression. And grief may lead to or aggravate a pre-existing depression. There is
a fundamental difference, though, between grief and depression.
Grief: is not a disease or mental disorder. It is a normal emotional response to
a significant loss. Sadness is expected. There is no clinical treatment. It must run its course.
Depression: is a clinical disorder, a physiological chemical imbalance in the
brain. It is often treated with medication, and sometimes psychotherapy is needed.
How to tell the difference between normal grief and clinical depression:
- With grief, there is no major or long-term loss of self
esteem; grief feels like a normal, expected response.
- With depression, there is a prolonged negative sense of self.
- Or as Freud put it: "In grief, the world looks poor and empty. In
depression,
the person feels poor and empty".
- The important message here: Don't treat grief with anti-depressant medication.
WHERE TO GET HELP:
There are basically 3 types of outside help
available if you ultimately need help with your grieving process:
1. Online support groups and forums (might be all the extra support you need)
2. Local support groups-- especially useful for those who have lost a child, or
with grief from suicide
3. Psychotherapy -- a must for grief that won't resolve or serious suicidal
intent
*For more information and a list of resources available, click here:
EFFECTS OF BEREAVEMENT -- OUTSIDE RESOURCES
Return from Effects of Bereavement to "Your Pain"
RETURN TO THE HOME PAGE
|
